Post # 1
Hey all. I really need some help here. If anyone has experience with addiction please tell me what you think is best to do.
Fiance was in rehab 10 years ago, before I met him, for depression and a Xanax addiction. When I met him 3 years ago he was clean, had just graduated with a degree from a great school, and had a great job. He bought a house last year and was living a very normal life.
He suffered an injury 8 months ago which led to a prescription for pain pills (Oxy) and it’s been downhill from there. He opened up to me about getting hooked and we got to a doctor. His doctor started him on Suboxone. He was doing as good as expected. His father then unexpectedly passed 6 months ago and he took about 40 pills (I believe Oxycontin) that same night. Is that even possible?!!! He admitted this to me recently because the last two weeks his behavior is very erratic and I’ve been questioning him. He said he’s been “taking a few pills here and there”. I’m trying to get him to go to inpatient rehab but he refuses. He claims outpatient type help is best for him. The other night he came home late and was slurring his speech and admitted to taking 20 pills that day. He was a totally different person. He was disrespectful and told me to leave him alone. His words were “get away from me, just leave”. I can’t even comprehend how this is possible. I understand addiction is a disease and extremely difficult but I’m starting to become affected by this. I can’t sleep, I’m worried, sick to my stomach. I want to help him but it seems impossible. Once he levels out he’s back to his loving self. I’ve pushed all the wedding planning aside but I’m now questioning whether to even stay in this situation.
The last few days he’s questioning my feelings for him, accusing me of lying and cheating, telling me he feels “worthless”. I’m at a loss. He’ll pass remarks about how I’m “too good for him and his problems” and I should leave. I am basically dealing with someone I don’t know because this is not the guy I met. He doesn’t want his family to know a thing. He has a child from a past relationship and says he won’t go to rehab because then he can’t see his child for a month and he doesn’t want his ex to find out and keep the child away from him. I feel stuck and drained.
Thank you girls.
Post # 2
This is such a hard situation, I’m so sorry your are going through it. But he NEEDS to get help. Take him back to the doctor and let him know he’s been abusing medication. If he refuses then you need to take more drastic action. He says not to tell his family, and that leaves you far too alone in this situation, is there anyone in his family that you trust? That won’t freak out when you tell them and come up with a constructive and helpful plan of action?
Post # 3
Suboxone can be significantly abused and his “treatment” has probably been a 6 month cover up for abusing his medication. This man is now an active addict.
They get desperate, dangerous, or just plain messy very, very quickly. Look, it is sad that the man’s father died. But he is still an addict. He wants an outpatient program because outpatient allows them to access medication. Inpatient treatment programs will remove all kinds of substances they enjoy for “treatment” and are careful about how and what the patient uses.
If he’s increased his use this quickly or this heavily, he absolutely needs an in-patient treatment program. But it is also a toxic situation for you. You have a right to leave him; you didn’t sign up for this version of him. He’s probably been dishonest about his use for quite a while. And you can’t love an addict into no longer being one.
Post # 4
First off, addiction is a choice. The mental illness (depression) is the disease.
Second, you can’t do anything. He has to make the choice to want to go for help.
Third, call his ex and let her know he is abusing pills and their child is not safe with him. Would she allow you to over see visitations until he gets himself clean?
(and after attempting this exact situation, if I were you, I would be out of there. My ex would steal my jewelry, rob convenience stores, steal equipment and tools from his employer, nickel and dime his parents to poverty, to feed his habit. He made good money but still could not afford the drugs. My ex is currently sitting in prison for another couple years because of crap he does to feed his drug habit. Sadly we have learned over the years, that he is safer there and thrives incarcerated)
Post # 5
This is not your cross to carry. Leave. With pain, with sadness, but leave.
Post # 6
Penny1403 is absolutely right. Leave this man. Do you really want a lifetime of lies, stealing, worry, and worse? The next step from abusing pain pills is heroin, and theres’ no need for you to be involved in the disaster that becomes.
Post # 7
Hi Bee you will not be in the wrong to leave at this point. I would leave, tell his family and tell the mother of his child so that she can make an informed decision on whether or not to let him around the child especially unsupervised. He may be upset but ultimately its what is best for the child and him if his family stage an intervention and get him the help he needs.
Post # 8
Find a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and go. It will not fix him but it will be good for you to hear what is said by others who do not have an emotional attachment to him.
Post # 9
I’m going to just give my two cents from growing up with an addict for a dad (to just about everything you can imagine, most recent drug of choice being xanax.) I would recommend leaving now. Especially if he’s already not wanting to get help. I remember my dad going to rehab multiple times but it never did much. He only went to keep everyone happy or to avoid jail. He was erratic, verbally/physically abusive, and unreliable. He caused my mom a lot of hurt and money trouble. If you ever want kids, think about that as well. I grew up seeing a lot of things I shouldn’t have, and when I was a young adult and he was in his xanax phase, I would find him passed out all over the house. Once even kneeling on the stairs, completely out cold except for him rocking slightly. I was terrified to even leave my room because I feared I was going to find him dead. Addiction is very difficult to deal with and to fully rehabilitate from, especially the types of drugs he’s into. Sending you lots of love <3
Post # 10
personally, i would end the relationship.
his family 100% needs to know, particularly the mother of his child.
Post # 11
I have lived this life you are living and I can tell you it only gets worse. At some point you have to save yourself because he WILL take you down with him. He has to want help and he’s not interested in that right now and nothing you or anyone says or does will change that. He has to have his rock bottom moment, or die.
My ex didn’t want me to tell his family either and he would threaten to kill himself or harm us if I called the cops or told anyone. I had 2 kids at home (not his) and was very scared that I would make the wrong decision and we would pay for it. We had to walk on eggshells and he stole everything I owned to fuel his habit. I didn’t have a support system, but one day I decided to tell his family while they were visiting family near us (they lived out of state) they took one look at him (he was dirty and looked like an Auschwitz prisoner) and took him back home with them. Long story short, years later, a stint in jail and many attempts by his friends and family to help him, he is still making excuses and abusing Oxy’s.
In hindsight, I should have called the cops and had him arrested for stealing all of my things (seriously everything, he even scrapped my hurricane shutters! Could have used them when Irma came through last summer). I should have told his family sooner, but he was a master manipulator and kept us scared. He was NOT the awesome person I had known for 20 years and he still isn’t. Save yourself.
Post # 12
My aunt stayed with a pill addict for 20 years. He started to beat her regularly when she hid money from him (money she needed to buy food for their children). It’s now 10 years later, he’s still on pills. He beats his new girlfriend too. So I hope you leave this man, whether he turns violent or not.
I wasted 6 years of my life with a drug addict. You can’t love them enough to “make” them quit because they don’t want to quit.
He’s asking you to keep a secret that going to harm others. Don’t do that.
The mother of his child and his immediate family should all be informed he’s using again. He is likely to steal their personal medication, their money, their belongings, to feed his habit.
I would inform his doctor and inform the hospital. Depending on his job, his employer deserves to know too.
You have to realize that he is a danger to himself and others.
What happens if he gets behind the wheel, or leaves the stove on, whlie he’s so high he can’t function? What type of work does he do? When he’s at work can his behavior affect the safety of others? If he has access to a car he could kill someone.
I think you should end the relationship. You will feel bad and guilty about abandoning him when he’s so low, but he’s changed the rules of engagement here. If a drug addict proposed to you today, would you accept? No you wouldn’t. He’s refusing to get the help he needs and he’s going to drag you down with him.
If you won’t leave him, please get counselling and contact a support group like Nar-anon.
Post # 13
Please tell his ex ASAP. She deserves to know. You are an adult, you can make your own choices, but a child needs to be protected. A man who takes 20-40 pills a day is not safe around a child alone.
FWIW, I would leave. He seems to be spiraling downwards, and he will drag you down as well.
Please, please tell the mother of his child.
Post # 14
One, I know he suffered an injury…. but NO ONE should prescribe an addict pills like that. I have no idea what other solutions there are for pain relief but anyone from the get go would have known it would have went down that road if they knew he was an addict. It is common sense. As an addict, he should have known himself to discuss this with his pracitioner if he/she was not aware.
I am sorry this happened… but I would inform the other parent… and leave.
Post # 15
I’m sorry that you’re going through this and experiencing this crazy epidemic first hand. I cannot agree with you in feeling that addiction is a disease. I truly do not see it as such. What I can say is that you really should leave. This would be a huge dealbreaker for me. Either you live through this with him and continue taking his abuse forever or you leave and live a better life. If you leave you will get the best answer either way because he will either A. take it as a kick in the ass to get his shit together or B. fall into the hole that he would be dragging you into if you hadn’t left. Good luck with everything, bee.