(Closed) He said he didn’t want to talk about it

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

My SO and I don’t talk about it either and we’ve been together for 4 years. lol. We talk about it more now, but when we were together for 1.5 years it never came up, but we could feel that the relationship was right and it could lead to marriage. I know that we are both trying to get our own individual lives settled first (jobs, paying off school debt, you know the fun stuff lol). Marriage is a big commitment and weddings cost money.

Maybe he just wants to get himself in order and then he’ll feel more comfortable talking about it. I wouldn’t worry about it just yet, it sounds like he doesn’t want to, he just isn’t ready yet. Don’t worry, everything works out in the end. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

From my experience, if he “doesn’t want to talk about it” it is because he doesn’t want to marry you.  I think as women we sometimes try to make things more complicated than they are because we can convince ourselves that the the answer is something other than what it is.  Men who have marriage on their radar don’t act like that.  Sorry, that is just my experience.

Post # 6
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

@happyb: Awww sweetie! What you are going through is difficult! I have been there. After a year and a half you have every right to know where your relationship is heading, whether he wants  marriage, and a reasonable time frame as to when you will get married. Do you mind me asking how old are you? Are you done with school?

Post # 9
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MrsFuzzyFace: I couldn’t disagree more. Do your know her SO? No. So how dare you jump to conclusions like that. They’ve only been together 1.5 yrs – that’s nothing. Sorry OP, but I think you just kinda jumped the gun. Your SO isn’t ready yet, give him time. How old are you guys? I don’t know if that’s an issue, but either way he isn’t ready to discuss marriage yet – it doesn’t mean he doesn’t see it with you, it just means its too soon.

Relax and enjoy your relationship without putting on added stress.

Post # 10
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

When my SO didn’t want to talk about it that just meant he wasn’t ready and although I was it didn’t mean that he was. Everyone gets to that point in their own time. It took my guy 4 years….I was ready after 2…love is a game of patience at that point.You just need to continue to show him how strong you are by waiting and being the independant and amazing woman he fell in love with from the start. If it’s meant to be he’ll get there in his own time and NO amount of pushing or urging to look at rings will help, in fact it will push him farther away; I speak from experience and I learned my lesson the hard way. I think it’s hard for men to commit fully to marriage but when they are ready they will commit 100% and you will both be ecstatic!

Post # 12
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I wouldn’t say he will never have marriage on his mind, but I will agree it’s not there, yet.  A lot of this has to do not only with you being together 1.5 years (which, the younger you are, the less inclined most men are for marraige, no matter how much he loves you), but with how close he is to where he thinks he needs to be before worrying about it.

Men usually pick career, money and a home as things to attain/accomplish before they consider ebcoming a husband.  Women are a little different, partly due to the biological clock, leaning towards setting a be-wed-by time determined by their age, their partner’s age, and how close they are to mid30s, when having a healthy baby becomes more risky for both the mom and the baby.

I’d say that while some couple DO get engaged at the one year mark, many experts will tell you that you don’t even REALLY know each other until after 2 years are up – by then the feel-good, lovey endorphines have statred to wan, andyou start to look at each other without the fresh-in-love equivalent to beer goggles.  That’s why so many couples don’t make it too far past 2 years – it’s a pretty regular benchmark for when people face their first break-up hurdle. 

Try your best not to feel disappointed, realize you both love each other and enjoy being together right now.  Look up Mr. Bee’s post on keeping the M-word from coming up too often, and letting the man feel he’s come to his own decision about it.  That’s not to say you shouldn’t discuss the future, but try not to get weepy and make him feel he’s ruining your life by not being ready.

Post # 13
Member
3012 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

J and I never talked about marriage.  We didn’t plan anything.  I didn’t push (mostly because I didn’t care to) and after about 1.5 years – he proposed.  Relax.  If he loves you, he isn’t going anywhere.

Post # 15
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’ve known guys who didn’t want to talk about it because they didn’t want to marry the girl, but I’ve also known guys who just weren’t at a point where they wanted to get married in their life.  I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t be willing to talk about marriage if they actually want to get married, but your know your SO and if he’s bringing it up occasionally, maybe that’s all he needs to do!

Post # 16
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I admit that I am a bit cynical.  I am old enough that I usually see things from a very pragmatic viewpoint.  I hope I am wrong and you marry him and live happily ever after.  I have just known too many women that gave years to men and in the end when they were ready to give up, all of the men said things like “I have been honest all along and told you that I am not ready.  I could count the number of women I know who have had similar experiences and ended up married to that man on one hand. 

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