Post # 1
Semi-regular bee here going anonymous for various reasons.
I’m just going to jump right into it and try not to drag on. My SO & I have been together for 4 years and have always been on the same page regarding where we wanted this relationship to go. Very early on we spoke about marriage and children and our stances have stayed the same the past 4 years.
Over the last year or so, we have gotten to the point where an engagment is on it’s way. My SO has told me on various occasions that he is saving up to buy me the ring of my dreams. I’ve gotten impatient from time to time, but believed he was doing the right thing.
We get along very well (aside from the occasional fight here and there.) Well, Saturday night was one of those “here and theres”. We had been drinking and ended up in a verbal argument. He said “you know, I alreaday have the money for a ring, it’s just that every time I start to ring shop, I just can’t bring myself to do it.” I asked him what that was supposed to mean and he said “I could have bought the ring already, but I’m having doubts.”
I just walked away then because I wanted to have a real conversation while sober the next day. So, the next day comes and I bring it up. He apologizes and says he does want to marry me. I asked what these “doubts” are and he said it’s because we fought.
I’m left confused, not knowing what to think or how to feel.
Any advice bees?
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A lot of people think drinking = real thoughts. I’m not fully one of them, but I think it DOES push for clarification. You need to sit down and actually discuss this. IF he was/is really having doubts then you need to discuss them. He could be sober now and realize that he doesn’t want to break up (but still doesnt want to get married) so is saying these things to placate you.
If it was just something he said in the moment to piss you off (as can happen during drunken fights) then you should probably still discuss it and learn how to fight productively.
Post # 5
Um… owch. I would ask him to attend counselling with me.
Alcohol typically doesn’t make you lie, it makes you more prone to spill your inner thoughts you aren’t brave enough to say when sober. It sounds like he is back pedalling hard.
Maybe he really doesn’t want to marry you, but can’t make himself be honest with you. Maybe he doesn’t want to admit it, or doesn’t want to hurt you (too late!), maybe he’s comfortable and doesn’t want to break up yet doesn’t want to move forward either. Only he can answer those questions. If he won’t talk to you, I’d insist on therapy. There has to be a reason he said what he said, and that statement about “my doubts are because we got into an argument” sound like bs to me.
Post # 6
secretagentwoman : then my advice is to dump his ass. Hes old enough to know after 4 years if he wants to marry or not. You shouldnt have to beg and plead for a ring, and he shouldnt be practically taunting you that he could have but he hasnt. (And then taking it back later… so he said that just to hurt you? Thats fucked up). He should WANT to be engaged and be excited about getting married. It shouldnt take counceling IMO, it should be crystal clear. So dump him.
Post # 7
Yeah no. Those types of statements don’t just come up out of nowhere. If he has the money and isn’t pulling the trigger, there’s a much bigger conversation to have.
Post # 8
jellybellynelly : I agree with this. Either he really doesn’t want to get married or he fights dirty and was trying to hurt you. Both are a problem.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Sounds like a lame excuse. If he said it just to hurt you he’s a douchebag and if he expects you to sit around waiting for a proposal then backpedaling every time you have a normal fight then he’s nuts. Either he wants to have an adult conversation so you can figure out where to go from there or you need to move on. I wouldn’t waste my time insisting on therapy or counseling. For what? Relationships take an equal amount of work from both individuals, communication isn’t just key its mandatory for success.
Post # 10
- Wedding: Chateau Lake Louise
secretagentwoman : In my experience, alcohol doesn’t make you think or say things you don’t feel; it lowers the typical inhibitions that keep us from saying those things normally.
The fact that he admitted he could have bought the ring but didn’t because of “doubts” lets you know he’s already come up against serious contemplation of the issue, but didn’t bring you into that conversation.
Marriage is a partnership and requires that open lines of communication are firmly in place. Confronting problems together is a crucial part of having a healthy and successful relationship.
For whatever reason, he has been holding on to these doubts, and hasn’t seen fit to include you in addressing those doubts. He hasn’t shared his concerns, he’s hidden them. He hasn’t admitted the real reason you aren’t yet engaged, he’s given you a petty excuse. He’s spent months deceiving you to spare himself the uncomfortable experience of having to admit to you that not everything is going as well as you think. That maybe he isn’t as invested as you think he is, or as you are.
Those are not the actions of an emotionally evolved partner committed to a future. These are the actions of someone who doesn’t want to upset the status quo, because it is comfortable enough. Because it is preferable to accepting responsibility for misleading you about what he is really willing to offer.
Please do not dismiss the things he said when he was drunk. At the very least, hold him accountable for lying all this time. I think the only way forward is to actually unpack what is going on between you, rather than dismissing it as a drunken episode not to be taken seriously.
If it were me, this would be enough to end things. If it isn’t for you, at LEAST be honest with yourself that this is how he handles uncomfortable topics. That he was willing to hide his real feelings, and prevaricate, rather than engage in an honest dialogue about a tough subject. And realize, absent a major change, this is exactly what he will continue to do as long as you are together.
Post # 11
So basically what he did was hold the relationship hostage in a fight. That’s a form of emotional abuse if he’s not intending to follow through with his threat. It’s shitty because now you’ll feel like you have to be on your best behavior because if you have another fight, he might withold the ring again. In other words, he’s dangling the ring like a carrot. Just completely shit behavior. I would be having a serious come to Jesus talk with him very soon. I really don’t know how you can bounce back after your partner tells you he’s not sure about marrying you anymore – talk about a punch to the gut.
What were you fighting about, out of curiosity?
Post # 12
teamroro : “The fact that he admitted he could have bought the ring but didn’t because of “doubts” lets you know he’s already come up against serious contemplation of the issue, but didn’t bring you into that conversation.”
+1000. This is a really important point. OP, this is not the first time your bf has had these thoughts even if it is the first time he expressed them to you. He’s been mulling this over in private for a long time, all while leading you to believe all is well and your ring is on the way. This makes him not only noncomittal, but dishonest.
Post # 13
teamroro : You hit the nail on the head. Nothing further to say.
Post # 14
secretagentwoman : 4 years, he’s 33, he has not bought you a ring despite having the money. Then you’re both drinking and he drops the “he’s having doubts” bomb… and that he “can’t get himself to do it” <buy you a ring/propose>. Painful of course but it sounds like truth. His (lack of)action *before*(ie 4 yrs sans ring), coupled with those words, seem clear that you’re fine as a girlfriend but he’s not seeing you as his wife.
You can easily test this out. Tell him TODAY you want to to go out *right now* to get a ring/set a date! If he truely didn’t mean what he said, and really wants to marry you, he would certainly want to show you right?
I predict he will absolutely stall again/not be willing! I would then stop wasting my time, move out and move on.
Post # 15
He’s 33 and you’ve been dating for four years. That’s plenty of time to know if you want to marry someone. I think he’s made it clear whether he was drunk or not that he doesn’t wanna marry you. I know it hurts cos I’ve been there too. I was with my ex for 5 years and he was the same age with the same BS excuses. You’re younger than me so to be honest if I was you I would just be done with this relationship and find someone who is on the same page at this point. No use wasting any more of your time sweetie. As a friend of mine says “you gotta kiss a lotta frogs before you find the prince”…