He said he doesn't want to marry me ..

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

The problem is not what he said while he was drunk – that sucked and he probably did it to regain power in an argument he thought he didn’t have.  It’s the sober moments he was referring to that makes me think you should leave him.  If it’s true he’s been to stores on multiple occasions to look at rings but walked out because he had “doubts” during moments when absolutely nothing was wrong and the two of you were not fighting at the time, that would have been enough for me. 

Post # 32
Member
4895 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

He told you the truth. In no uncertain terms. If you stay with him and waste anymore of your time, that is on YOU. If you stay with him another 5 or so years (until you’re in your early 30s and starting to feel pressure about having children- if you want them) then that is on YOU. He doesn’t want to marry you. Hurtful as it is to hear (and I’m sorry. I know it’s hella fucking hurtful) I think the smartest thing for you to do from here is to start severing ties with him and moving on with your life. He doesn’t want to marry you. Go find someone who sees it as an honor to spend his life with you.

Post # 33
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

secretagentwoman :  

In vino veritas.

Talk to him when he’s sober and dig deep.  If he’s taking engagement off the table to punish you for misbehavior, dump him and find a grown up to marry.

If he’s had doubts all along and has been misleading you into believing he wanted to marry you, dump him and find someone who can’t wait to see you at the altar.

 

Post # 34
Member
1008 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t just leave him based on this. While being drunk you do generally tell the truth but sometimes when angry people tend to say the truth but add an extra bit of hurtfulnes to a comment. Also what prompted him to say that? I don’t see the argument being about what’s for dinner and then he said “I have doubts”. While doubts are not a good sign but he didn’t flat out say he doesn’t want to marry you. Is it possible that buying the ring made him think about the finality of marriage? Personally I’m comfortable with the idea spending  my life with one person but when someone phrases it in a way where words like “eternity” or “forever” is used it makes me freak out a bit. Maybe the ring made it real to him and he needs a bit more time to think about possible changes?

anyways, he handled it terribly and this needs to be solved. I feel like any option is possible. Maybe talk once again sober and possibly with a couples counsellor who can give guiding questions if your talk doesn’t go anywhere?

Post # 35
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m jumping in here after a long weddingbee hiatus, so please excuse the interruption.

 

Have you been okay with waiting for an engagement based on him saving for a ring? Granted my own wedding set is somewhat modest, but I don’t think I would have been in favor of delaying an engagement for the purpose of scoring a larger diamond. But if you were okay with that, that is a decision for you and him to make, not me. I bring it up only because if you let him know the ring size and cost weren’t a priority to you, and he continued to insist he needed to save for a better ring, that may have been a stall tactic, plain and simple.

 

I don’t think the boyfriend is necessarily a bad guy. I don’t think he made it up to hurt you, and I don’t think he’s intentionally stringing you along with no intent to ever propose.

 

I think he, like you, has invested 4 years into this relationship, and wants to want to marry you. I’m sure he loves you and the thought of starting over is daunting. But for whatever reason, he can’t do it, and I think he is just hoping he’s not ready and that some morning soon he will BE ready. Yes, these doubts should have been communicated with you sooner- and sober-, but I think he was hoping it’d resolve itself before stressing you out or causing you to break up with him. It was cowardly, maybe, but not malicious.

 

But I don’t see how you come back from this. He could present you with a ring tomorrow and I think you would still have underlying anxiety and insecurity over these doubts of his.

 

The fact is, he could have proposed any time to you over the last several years with a damn twist tie for a ring (if you had declined based on getting a twist tie vs. an acceptable carat-ed diamond ring, that would be on you). You’ve got a lot of thinking to do, but please, don’t stay with him only because it’s currently the path of least resistance.

Post # 36
Member
3150 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Because you guys fought when? It couldn’t be the drunk fight because he’s stated he’s had it for a long time but doesn’t when he browses. So clearly unless there are past fights and issues, it wasn’t the one you just had. 

I would probably press precisely what he means. However, it sounds like he’s just further gaslighting from being honest in that he doesn’t want to marry and doesn’t plan on it. The argument doubt sounds like BS now that he’s sober and let it slip. 

In any case, I’d end the relationship. If he had true concerns then a partner worth keeping would have presented them long ago and chose to try to work through them mutually. Sorry bee. 

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