He said he feels like he has to?

posted 12 months ago in Waiting
Post # 17
3508 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I’m not gonna come down on you for snooping but I do agree with the PP who saidif he *is* having reservations about getting engaged that type of insecure,  jealous behaviour might be one of the issues that is giving him pause. You say you don’t normally snoop but do you engage in other jealous behaviours? 

Honestly I think you need to suck it up and talk to him about it, otherwise you’re gonna drive yourself crazy. Start the conversation by acknowledging you were wrong to snoop and committing to doing better at handling insecurities in more appropriate and respectful ways. Then tell him that one of the messages from his cousin that you saw has made you feel really insecure and you can’t get the question of what he (boyfriend) had said in the conversation out of your head. 

It does seem a bit weird that he deleted his own messages but not his cousins. But if he has otherwise never given you a good reason to mistrust him or think he doesn’t love you then I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt. Even if he is having some reservations about it that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and want to marry you. It just means he has some concerns and that is perfectly valid. Work through them as a team. 

Obviously if he is having concerns he should talk to you about them, but depending on how sensitive you are to criticism he may be having trouble figuring out how to approach it if the issue is something to do with your behaviour. 

Really though, he might not be having reservations that have anything to do with you at all. Hell, he may have said to the cousin “I’m excited but she’s also been pushing for it for a while so I don’t want it to feel forced”. The cousin very well may have filtered that innocuous comment through his own negative experience in his marriage. 

There really is nothing left for you to do other than talk to your boyfriend. 

Post # 19
275 posts
Helper bee

I don’t understand why he only deleted his texts but not the cousins. If he was trying to hide something from you then he should have deleted the whole thread, since the cousins responses are not that great and would make you upset if you read them. 

Post # 20
3508 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

buzzzbuzzz111 :  was his “you never get jealous” comment maybe a veiled invitation for you to correct him on that? Maybe he was looking for you to say “oh man… Actually….” 

Obviously that isn’t the best communication style haha but who knows.

I think whatever is going on you’re at a major crossroads in your relationship. You’re poised to take a really big step forward and with that step the intensity is amping up and your foundations are going to really be put to the test.

Now’s the time to be 100% honest with yourselves and each other about any issues that need to be dealt with. Now’s the time to acknowledge if one or both of you need to work on your communication skills, or if there are insecurities on one side or the other, or any fears either of you may have about the future. 

You can’t go into marriage with someone if you’re not able to have uncomfortable, difficult conversations with them or if either of you is unable or unwilling to recognize problems and work on them as a team. A healthy marriage is built on absolute honesty. No pussyfooting around behaviours or attitudes that annoy you. No ignoring nagging insecurities. No burying your feelings even when they’re irrational. Total and complete open honesty. 

Post # 21
860 posts
Busy bee

It’s hard to say where he was coming from with whatever it is he said. It does concern me to think that he likely did say something about “I have to” propose, but he also could have said “Looks like I’m about to propose” and the cousin interpretted that as him feeling forced. Him deleting his response is a bit odd though. I agree with pp, why not just delete the entire text thread? You have no chance of knowing what he is thinking unless you ask. If you say he won’t be that mad if you just flat out tell him you snooped, then that’s the most direct way to get to the bottom of things. 

Post # 22
1683 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

There’s no real evidence that your boyfriend actually said that he feels he has to or he expressed any real reservations. I can’t tell you the number of times people have told me “are you sure, you know you don’t have to do that!” when we announced our engagement – all in gest from people who have been married for years. Without seeing your boyfriends texts, I would say that it was just his cousin having a go at him. 

But him just deleting his texts is weird. Maybe he was his discussing plans for how he was going to do it? You already know that it is happening so he wasn’t concerned about you finding out that it is happening, just how, and that’s why he only deleted his texts? Idk I’m just spitballing here.

Post # 23
1854 posts
Buzzing bee

Someone once told me, if you snoop you will ALWAYS find something you don’t like even if the person isn’t doing anything wrong. 

I have found that to be true time and time again. 

Look, I have been tempted to snoop recently to see if my boyfriend is texting anyone in his family or friends about us getting engaged soon. We agreed to get engaged in the next 4 months but Im curious what he has done so far! But i haven’t done it. The reaity is, your boyfriend is allowed to be asking questions of himself and others about getting engaged. It is a BIG DEAL. You actually want him to be asking questions and working through this now as opposed to later on. 

Just relax. We all mentally process things different ways, we all have times where we say things we don’t mean, or say something just to feel how it sounds once we say it as a way to process emotions. He could be saying that for so many different reasons. He could be saying that to try to support his cousin’s rough marriage.

So just let this go and move on. Don’t tell him you snooped or that you saw he said that. Just keep the lines of communication open and make sure he feels he can express himself through the process. If you really want to make sure you can do pre-marital counseling after you get engaged before the wedding. 

Post # 24
2806 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

buzzzbuzzz111 :  I think you might be reading into it too much, it’s really hard to say what your boyfriend is thinking without seeing his part of the text.

If I was you, I’d honestly just come clean and talk to him about it. You know you were wrong for snooping, so own that, and have a conversation with him to make sure you’re both on the same page.

Post # 25
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

There are a few things that I’m concerned about. First of all, I find it really weird he only deleted his comments. Regardless of if you ever snoop through his phone, that’s weird. 

Second, I would find it really concerning if my SO weren’t ready to propose/get married after 7 years. Unless you guys are super super young, 7 years is a long time and he should know what he wants. 

Third, getting married is a huge life event and it’s not wise to do so unless you’re in it 100%. Being married to the right person is not hard like his cousin says. 

Post # 26
12635 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I won’t address the snooping. You already know about that. 

It’s possible that the cousin said something like “So this is really happening, huh”? And that SO made a wisecrack,  “After seven years, I’m out of excuses.” Talking big, as you say. 

You know him best, though and if you don’t think that’s their dynamic I think you ought to come clean and let him know you are worried. I wonder if you snooped because deep down you were looking for evidence. 

Deleting only his own comments is very strange. 

If it is all some kind of a trap, as a PP imagines, then you are still better off in the end. If not, then hopefully it will open a dialogue. 

Post # 27
1282 posts
Bumble bee

Talk. Be open and honest about what you did and how you feel.

Do not just seek reassurance, seek the truth. If you are looking to be calmed down rather than trying to see how he actually feels then he may respond by telling you what you want to hear as opposed to what is really going through his head. 

You have been together 7 years so at this point being honest with each other should be natural. If he has any doubts at this point you need to know. I know it is trite but being truthful makes life so much easier.


Post # 28
940 posts
Busy bee

It may be him tryign to be one of the guys and act like hes not super into it just because he knows his cousin is having problesms with his marriage. I say this, assuming that what youre saying about not pressuring him and letting him know that it’s up to him as well, if he wants to get married, is true. 


I would talk to him about it…not the snooping, but bring it up how youve metnioned above: Remind him that it’s okay to voice his worries, concerns, etc with you bc you intend to be the one there for him from here on out. Tell him some of your concerns so he feels comfortable, and let him know that those concerns are small and that you know that being the people that you are, you will get past the biggest obstacles, so smaller concerns will easily be worked on. etc…


Idk if I’m making sense. Just reassure him. Remember, you have the upper hand bc yoou know what he may potentially feel, without him knowingt that you know. So, essentially, whatever you say, he’ll take it for what yoou mean.

Post # 29
3168 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

buzzzbuzzz111 :  yeah I’m sorry but I’m thinking he feels forced into it.  Not by you though,  by his *own* feelings of obligation after 7 years and knowing youve waited years for him already…. I think this is common for many men in long term live in relationships.  They remain in the relationship long after they should,  making marriage promises along the way, *hoping* they’re going to *want* to follow through ie marry their partner at some *future* point.  Often they (eventually)feel obligated/forced to go through with it even though they really don’t want to, and probably should go their separate ways. ..

I’m sorry op. Those are my thoughts.  Maybe they don’t apply to you but based on the text messages and the many years it has taken him to be willing to follow through,  I suspect it does….

Post # 30
2452 posts
Buzzing bee

When you think you’re with someone that will be sharing the rest of your life, why is ANYTHING off the table for discussion?

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