He said he is not attracted to me?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9037 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

id dump the 175lbs weight you are carrying and find a new boyfriend.  6 months is not that invested.  if he’s already treating you like crap, what’s next.

 

Post # 3
Member
1727 posts
Bumble bee

I’d move on and find someone who likes your body how it is now.

Post # 4
Member
398 posts
Helper bee

Yeah… I agree with the PP poster. That’s not a nice thing to say to someone no matter how he put it. Women have fat on their bodies.. get over it dude. I would not be with my SO if he EVER said that to me. No one is perfect. Find someone who respects you and loves your body no matter what.

Post # 5
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

kayla037 :  This is a huge deal breaker for me. My ex and I dated for three years and about 9 months in, our sex life started suffering. At first it was once a week, once a month, every 6 weeks, once a quarter, then we went 15 months without sex. He wouldn’t touch me and he didn’t want me to touch him. I can’t even describe the gut-wrenching emotional pain I felt, I cried myself to sleep every night for months. It formed such a lethal resentment, there was no way we could have come back from that even if we were otherwise compatible. I stopped taking care of myself, we stopped communicating. He wouldn’t introduce me to his friends or even take me out in public. He was genuinely embarrassed to be around me, he was ashamed of me. I was afraid to be naked. I cried in the shower, wouldn’t get dressed in front of him, started wearing bulky clothing to cover my figure. I became ashamed of myself. He wouldn’t look at me. There were times I wondered if he would notice if I bruised or cut myself.

When I started doing CrossFit 5-6 times per week, he didn’t really notice at first, because it wasn’t good enough. It was about 4-5 months into that routine that he once put his hand on my waist in public, that was it. We had sex 3 times in the last 6 months of our relationship. It was emotionally devastating for me.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel sexy and wanted. I hate to be cliche and bring out the “if he can’t take you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best”……but it’s true. There have been a number of Bees here asking about red flags in the early stages, and this is a red flag.

He doesn’t accept you the way you are. He wants to change you, and he lied about it. That is so emotionally damaging. No man is worth sacrificing your confidence. You were proud of yourself and he still didn’t think you were good enough. That’s bad, Bee. Leave.

ETA it is NOT your fault this loser has a tiny dick.

Post # 6
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

If he says he’s not attracted, he’s not attracted. That’s his right as well his problem – not yours! Dump him and find a better man.

If you still want to loose weight go on with your journey but for yourself and not for man! 

PS: I lost 30+ kg and the guy I so desperately liked and who told me he was to good for me in many aspects (weight and looks among them) still didn’t like me. Now I was too thin and looked sick in his opinion… you (or your weight) are not the problem, the guy is!! 

Post # 7
Member
5059 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I once had a guy tell me he wasn’t attracted to me when I put my hair up.  I never spoke to him again… and it wasn’t very difficult to put my hair down.

Post # 8
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

F*ck him. People have preferences for their partners’ looks and bodies, people are attracted to different body types, whatever, but this guy is a lying asshat. He had MONTHS to tell you the issues he had, but instead chose to lie to you and string you along. Also, because you have a little pooch when bending over and he’s smaller below, that means it can’t go in as much?? Um…what?? That literally doesn’t even make sense. Also there are positions where tummy pooch isn’t a factor in how far you can penetrate, and those positions are not hard to accomplish (and can be done with girl on top). This guy is making excuses, pinning his own performance issues on you. He’s full of shit. You do not need this guy and his bs, especially after only 6 months. Please, please dump this loser.

Post # 9
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think that I could personally come back from that, without developing disordered eating patterns and significant self esteem issues. While I respect and celebrate your desire to get more fit, if you have had a tummy tuck, significant weight loss and he still doesn’t like “any” fat at all, you may just be a poor match. I think his dislike of fat probably has more to do with his lack of length than he wants to admit. If sex highlights his inability to penetrate and is less pleasurable for him, while reminding him of his own (literal) shortcomings…of course you two will have a poor sex life! How do YOU feel, is this something you could get over if you reached *his* ideal weight for you. You already mentioned pride over your strides in loss so far, and it is quite heartbreaking that you feel invalidated. Is his ideal weight for you something that you have achieved and maintained in the past, and is it obtainable for your body type. I love couples that get fit together and I think it is amazing to have someone support your drive and goals. If the goal is to make yourself “desirable at ALL to a partner who isn’t attracted to you until you get fit,” it seems very unhealthy for you emotionally though.

Post # 10
Member
2209 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

kayla037 :  Here’s the thing; attraction is actually pretty simple, and his claims are too complicated to be true.

Someone who claims they are only conditionally attracted to you, isn’t really attracted to you. Someone who tells you their desire for you is based on whether or not you can conform your body to their specific standards isn’t really attracted to you. 

He might WANT to be. He might even believe what he’s saying, but it’s rarely the case that someone who finds you attractive will get hung up on one feature the way he is.

He’s basically telling you that how you are isn’t good enough for him. He’s also been dishonest with you for MONTHS now. Do you really want to be in a relationship like that? You will ALWAYS be questioning whether you have done enough, and he’s proven you can’t trust his answers.

Like PP’s I think you should cut your losses. Wanting to continue to improve your habits and health are great goals, but not for the sake of pleasing anyone but yourself. Invest in your own happiness and sense of self-assurance, rather than trying to please a liar who isn’t attracted to you just as you are. 

Post # 11
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

You said you were feeling good about yourself after your surgery….please, do not give this man, or anyone, the power to make you feel shitty about yourself. In any aspect. He’s trying to “fix” you, and the only fix you need is getting rid of this dead weight and moving on to find someone who loves you unconditionally. Because if you stay with this guy, that’s what you’re settling for – conditional love. You derserve way more than that. 

Post # 12
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should break up with him, how are you supposed to feel comfortable sexually with a guy who has literally told him your body is not attractive because “he doesn’t like any fat”? I’m presuming you’re not obviously overweight since he dated you in the first place despite his aversion to fat. So we are probably talking a small amount of weight to lose? 

You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel sexy and confident and not someone who makes you feel like you’re not good enough. Honest or not, this has been a problem for the majority of your (short) relationship, so he should have broken up with you rather than expected you to change yourself to please him. It would be different if this was a long term relationship and you had gained a considerable amount of weight. 

Post # 13
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

sarusarunna :  Agree. Or he could, just, ya know, not date women who don’t fit his type. Not to sound mean but it’s true. Another asshole ex of mine said he wanted me to get a boob job and dye my hair…..I’m a dark auburn/medium brown with C cups…..I told him to go find a busty blond.

Post # 14
Member
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Oh Bee. Please stop trying to change yourself to fit someone else’s idea of attractive.

That is not healthy at all. If you want to lose weight and tone up for yourself, then by all means do that, but don’t convince yourself you’re doing it for you when it’s clear you’re doing it for him.

The fact that he even said this to you, no matter how nicely he said it, is gross. He’s putting the blame on you for his own warped idea of what a woman’s body should look like. The problem is with him, NOT you.

I’m sorry, but I would never be able to be comfortable around someone like this ever again. This would be an immediate relationship ender if it were me. For real.

Consider this:

Say you two get past this and stay together, maybe even get married. What happens if you decide to have children and get pregnant? What will he think about the pooch and the stretch marks that will likely result from that? How will you feel comfortable at that point knowing how he feels? What about when you get older, and you’re getting wrinkled and your breasts start to sag, and no matter what you do, your body just isn’t as toned and tight as he would prefer, because let’s be real, aging is a thing. Then what? Are you supposed to get tummy tucks and breast lifts and other surgeries forever just to make sure he’s attracted to you for the rest of your life?

Point blank, Bee, this guy has issues. Only you can decide if you’re willing to put up with those issues for however long, but like I said, if it were me, this would be an absolute and immediate deal breaker.

 

Post # 15
Member
10048 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

kayla037 :  

Eff that noise.

He knew what you looked like when you first met.  But, today, you are no longer his type?  BS.  He’s dumping his inability to perform on you.  Don’t buy into it.

. . . but doesn’t want to go to the doctor for it due to embarrassment.

Well, isn’t he just the frail and delicate little flower.  He can’t even cowboy up and get himself to the doctor?  How childish can he get?  This is a grownass man, right? Ok, maybe “man” is a bit of a stretch.   The guy can’t function normally sexually, and he’s too chicken to discuss it with a medical professional.  I think I’d be done right there.  You can’t grow him up.

It’s concerning that you would choose to be with someone who is pushing you to change. It’s one thing for a partner to support your weight loss and fitness goals, if, indeed they are your goals. Is that what’s going on here, or is he bugging you about how you eat and whether you are working out enough? He was cooking healthy and exercising with you to fix your problem.

There is gaslighting here, Bee.  He gives you a graphic, hurtful, and thoroughly obnoxious litany of why he is not attracted to you, and hasn’t been for six months.  Which, by sheer coincidence, is the same amount of time you have been together.

At the same time, he is telling you he is still attracted to you.

This is crazymaking, Bee.

It’s meant to be. Keeping you off balance and filled with self doubt deflects attention off of his own inadequacy.

He has an agenda, Bee.  It’s all about making himself feel better; you’re merely collateral damage.  He is toxic as hell for you.

If your TT was only six months ago, you still have a lot of swelling, btw.  You won’t see the final result for a good year. 

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