Post # 76
I too also need too look at what I am doing in this relationship. Why do I put up with this behaviour? In the past, when he dumped me, and he called me within a few weeks, everything would go back to normal. Should I have taken more time off? Should I have said to him, unless you are willing to change, there is no getting back together. I wish I was strong enough, perhaps it would have had some kind of effect on him realizing that he is the problem not me.
I think the only way IF there is a possibility of him changing and growing the f*** up, is if he dates another person and sees for himself he is the problem. Perhaps by then I would have found my own happiness, or have moved on.
Post # 77
Doesn’t want to have any sort of foreplay and expects you to be good with him just being rough in bed? Sounds like he needs some lessons. I’d kick him to the curb.
Post # 78
I used to date scumbag guys! It was a total self esteem issue stemming from when I was sexually abused as a teenager, which completely destroyed my self confidence and threw my meter off. There was awhile in my life where I completely fell into the victim role for years and years. It’s a hard cycle to break out of. I know everyone is different and self esteem and victim complexes stem from different things. The best part is, you’ve now realized that his behavior is unacceptable and that you’ve also had a part in allowing it to go on for so long by staying. That’s the first step. Second is to leave him and honestly spend the time alone working on yourself and getting to the root of the issue. Basically, work on your self esteem, which can be done by: working on hobbies you enjoy, working on your fitness, advancing your education, participating in events, etc. There are many things you can do to ‘improve’ yourself which will help with your self esteem. It took me so long to get out of the cycle, but I am with a man that truly loves and takes care of me! They are out there.
Post # 80
jg88998 : You should totally base a marriage on this. Marriages won’t survive sexual incompatibilities ON TOP of other issues. He may be an ahole but you are also being immature if you think that sexual compatibility isn’t as important on the list.
Post # 81
I have too. Leaving was the hardest and best decision of my life. I can only hope this sweet bee sees her worth. It does get better- you just have to leave first. OP- Be strong girl! You are worth it.
Post # 82
I just want to say that abuse and sexual incompatibility are different and we should be sensitive to what might really be going on here.
And to add- he is insulting OP, calling her weak, and literally hurting her because of these “incompatibilities.” I rarely get angry on these boards or argue, but quite frankly I am pretty stunned that someone referred to a violent and potentially victimizing situation as immaturity on HER part. No.
Post # 83
Are you comfortable sharing your own personal experience on what your relationship was like and how he treated you
Post # 84
Dump his @$$. Unless he has Christian Grey $$….
Post # 85
OP, what you said about how perfect he seemed at the beginning is a red flag of a deeply seated personality problem, or an abuser. Google “the cycle of abuse”. He was charming at the beginning to reel you in, and now the mask has slipped.
I agree with everything teamroro, elderbee, and LIKE-A-BOSS said. Why do you want to marry someone like this? You deserve so much more.
Perhaps he is sexually unsatisfied but that is not a reflection on you.
In a healthy, compatible relationship, both people should be able to express their needs (including their sexual needs) without ridicule. Sex without foreplay is not “rough sex”. Sex without foreplay is thoughtless and selfish. Your body needs foreplay to produce the natural lubricant to make sex feel pleasurable. Even if he uses lube, without warming you up, a lubed penis is still going to hurt you.
If he doesn’t care about your pleasure and expects to have sex with you regardless, he’s an asshole.
For what it’s worth, I engage in rough sex frequently. My Fiance does it for me, it’s not his thing. In turn I make sure we have calmer, slower lovemaking that he enjoys. None of my lovers have ever tried to just ram their penis into me without foreplay. We have check-ins a few times a year to see if we’re still doing things the way the other person enjoys, is there anything you’de like me to do differently, is everything good for you, are you satisfied?
I would never tell him “you’re awful, get out”. Because he’s not a sex toy. He’s a human being. And so are you. Your feelings matter. Your sense of self matters.
I very much doubt the problem between you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend is that “you don’t like rough sex”. You don’t like BAD SEX.
Post # 86
Well bees i want to thank all of you for your advice.
Last night i mustered up the courage to end it. At the beginning of the convo he said he really wanted to work it out for me, then i told him i was feeling insecure because of his comments and i asked him what i should do because i felt like it was the right thing to do. To which he replied “either choose to change sex or your body”. He went on to tell me how i dont put in any effort for him, that i wear a jacket he hates, shoes he hates, pants he hates. When i asked him if he is looking for attractiveness in a long term partner, he said yes and that he wants a hot wife.
Clearly he doesnt want me, someone who was there for him through all his depression, who cooked meals for him when he said money was an issue for him, who gives him backrubs when he says his back is hurting…
I ended it knowing that had i kept the relationship going, there would be threat of him potentially cheating on me saying i dont satisfy him, or resent.
I hope i did the right thing.
Post # 87
Oh bee, you absolutely did the right thing by ending it. He sounds like a complete ass hole. You dodged a huge bullet. You’ll find someone who loves you and respects you. Good luck and be kind to yourself.
Post # 88
You did the right thing! F him and his responses. You are beautiful and whole all on your own, you will 100% find someone better, more kind and loving. Don’t settle for anything less.
Post # 89
Ewww he sounds like a real jerk! You did the right thing!
Post # 90
OP you did the right thing! I know it hurts right now, but there are so many better guys out there!!! You dodged a major bullet.