(Closed) He said he was leaving. She ignored him – What do you think?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I I see this differently than most PPs. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, but when the husband decided that things were bad, he just walked out. His behavior makes his level of commitment crystal clear. Even though he eventually came back, he proved that he’s not a reliable partner. What’s going to happen if another “for worse” comes up? I could never trust a man to be a fully committed partner after doing something like this.

Post # 48
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think this woman was very brave.  I don’t think I could have had the restraint to do the same. His words would have certainly hurt.  And I’m the type of person to lash out when I’m hurt, so this would have probably been the start of a spiral of highly heated & extremely unhealthy arguments.  

I think its wonderful that she didn’t throw her marriage away over 4 months of foolishness.  I wish I could say that I would react in a similar fashion, but its not likely.  

Post # 49
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

When I met my fiance I knew he was the one. He freaked himself out and almost left me 6 months in. I did pretty much what this woman did I took a step back and let him have space. I let him call me and make dates. I didnt approach him. I simply left him with the words that he was over analyzing his feelings and snuffing them, but it was his choice to walk away or stay, but he could be missing out on the best thing ever. In the end 6 months later he was telling me he loved me and talking abut marriage. Sometimes accepting people need space that they hurt or are scared is the best thing. You cant fix people you have to let them fix themselves. By doing this I have the most amazing man that I knew from the moment I met was the one for me. He tells me everyday he loves me, is there for me in the best and worst times. I applaud this woman thinking beyond herself and considering him. I applaud her for taking a step back and letting him digest his needs rather than going self destruct.

Post # 50
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow, what an amazing women! Thanks for sharing this!!

Post # 51
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@dewingedpixie:  great story, I love that!

But the woman in the story had small children. I think the guy was a complete dick for walking out on his kids. Idiot.

I think her actions are pretty smart since uprooting the kids would be chaos, might as well ride it all out for some months to see what sticks.

But if the guy pulled this chit one more time I would kick his ass to the ground.

Post # 52
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

@FauxPas2012:  I think its dependent upon the situation. My fiance had met my daughter taken me to meet his family etc. I knew he just needed space. He freaked himself out due to a bad marriage prior never really having dated before ever (he married his exwife 2 weeks after meeting her to save her from deportation). He needed to learn how to digest his own feelings and if I smothered him or freaked out he couldnt do that.

Likewise she saw her husband was having a midlife crisis. This wasnt about her, or the family it was about him. He loved her but he was lost and confused in his identity. He was blind by feelings of inadequacy so he wanted to flee. She knew that if she threw a stink her family would be torn appart but if she gave hima  chance and let him be he might come back to her.

 

The saying seems cliche but its true “If you love something let it go, If it loves you it will come back, if it doesnt it doesnt love you”. She new her husband loved her and she trusted that, I knew my fiance loved me he was just scared I trusted my gut. Only by letting go do you let the other really see whats there because they miss it.

It is a very very hard road to take. Those 6 months were like walking on ice for me. I was always terrified he’d leave and I’d be alone again. I was afraid of my own feelings that I was stupid for falling in love again. However I kept going spent time with my friends, my daughter, and focused on things outside of him. I never pressured him before his break down but afterwards I just handed over the reigns entirely and stepped back. I had to teach him to trust himself and the only way to do that was to step back as much as it was torture for me. I cant immagine what it was like for her with kids, a home etc. However she did the right thing. I think more marriages would be saved with steps like this.

Post # 53
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I first read this story before I met my husband, and I thought this woman was very brave and a model of what marriage should be. Now that I’m married and have a child, I see it differently. First of all, what he was doing was definitely hurting the children, and that would not be acceptable to me.

Sharing each other’s problems and working through them together is one of the fundamental responsibilities of marriage. It doesn’t matter whose problem it is, both people have a responsibility to try to solve it, even if only one person caused it. Anything that affects one person affects the marriage, and anything that affects the marriage become both spouses’ problem.

His midlife crisis was brought on because his job venture hadn’t been going well. What were they doing when that started happening? It doesn’t just happen suddenly, and they should have been talking all along about it and its effect on him. I mean, my husband doesn’t always love talking about his feelings, but I make him do it anyway because it’s better for him and for us.

One of the things we really want to model to our children is that it’s important not to keep things to yourself when you’re struggling. Family is there to listen to your struggles and support you through them, not for you to take out your stress on. There’s a difference between supporting and enabling, and she was enabling.

Post # 54
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@caritas:  I also believe that she enabled him, but that’s a half-truth. I would think she was in the “right” if he was somehow punished for this, but there is no mention of it. Maybe her indifference to his “child tantrum” was punishment enough.

What the author did is not for everyone. I get criticisms on how I handle my relationships too, people urge me to go to counseling or call it quits or whatever. There are obvious lines of tolerance for each person. I usually tell people all I need is time. Because there’s no way of telling unless you just wait for answers that must be waited for. I think for me, understanding what issues can wait and what issues cannot is crucial.

Post # 56
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Why the hell is this being responded to so differently than if the husband was outright cheating for 4 months on his wife (which for all we know he may have been doing) and she just waited until he “got out of his system”? Instead of congratulating her for her courage and saying nothing about his abhorrent behavior, we would be talking about what a selfish asshole he is to do that to his wife and children and how he is not to be trusted and go to therapy and blah blah blah.

This reminds me of the moral of the story behind the classic movie, “The Women”, which is basically that women’s lib has wrongly persuaded women to leave their cheating husbands and that really, you should just wait till they come back to their senses. I actually love that movie (not the remake) for other reasons, but come on, this is contrary to the majority of the advice given by Bees every day.

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