(Closed) He said he wasnt sure his proposal was the right thing to do?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think you know the answer but it’s difficult to accept it. Trust me, I’ve been there too and it took a long time before I asked myself the question “how is this working for me?” I know how hard this is and I feel terrible for you. I know he has some emotional issues and maybe he expresses himself in a different way, but the fact is: do you want someone like this to be your SO and partner the rest of your life?

It sounds to me like he doesn’t have to give what you need. He also sounds uncertain and probably not ready to marry. I’m sorry, I’d like to give better advice but this is how I see it. Good luck, I wish you the very best!

Post # 4
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow, that’s awful, I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time. I can’t even imagine having my SO tell me he’s changed his mind about proposing and marriage so many times, it has to be wreaking havoc on your emotions. I am not familiar with this type of autism so I apologize if this answer comes off as at all insensitive…but no, I really don’t think I could marry someone who could never truly feel love for me the way that I do for them. It sounds like he is focused on just deciding rationally and using pros and cons whether or not he wants to marry you – and he is still changing his mind every five seconds, and being completely unfair jerking you around in the process. You DO deserve to feel happy and loved and wanted, and I don’t know if you’ll ever feel that way around your SO. I know that if I was in your shoes, I’d constantly be walking on eggshells to not make him unhappy so he doesn’t change his mind again, and that is no way to live. And the way he treats you would honestly make me question what kind of a father he would be – wiould he also constantly flip flop about having kids? And once you have them, will he be able to be there and support them the way a father should with his emotional issues?

The only thing I can think to suggest if you want to save this relationship is counseling. But I can’t say I would bother with that if I were you – this guy doesn’t seem to care about the effect his ever-changing mind is having on you, continues to tell you he isn’t sure, then he is, then he isn’t despite seeing how much it breaks your heart each time. You deserve someone who after such a long period of time is sure about spending their life with you, and there is no reason to think your current SO will ever feel that way. I’m really sorry.

Post # 5
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is too much for anyone to live with.  I think that you need to really consider if this is something you’re willing to deal with once you’re married.  The wavering back and forth will take its toll on you and your marriage.  And, it will lead to an unhappy marriage that will affect your future children. 

If you really want to salvage this relationship, I think you should seek counseling.  Maybe a counselor/therapist can help reassure the both of you?  Or teach the both of you coping mechanisms to deal with your SO’s autism? 

Good luck!

Post # 6
4431 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Were you pressuring him at all?  For some reason as I’m reading this it seems like you’re pressuring for a ring or to look at rings….forgive me if i’m wrong.

Post # 7
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@sassymariewhite:  I deserve to feel happy and wanted and loved and cherished and Vie felt nothing but panic and heartbreak. He wants to talk tonight, but I don’t honestly know where to go from here apart from leave. I feel so hurt and used and mislead.”

Your last few lines tell us all we need to know, you don’t feel wanted, loved, cherished and you aren’t happy. You have also exhausted all options in your mind already and realize the only way to go is to leave now. I think that should tell you that it’s time to move on.

It’s tough, but you well not regret it. You deserve more, and someone better is out there for you.

Post # 8
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This must be an incredibly difficult time for you. I had a friend who recently had to walk from a long term relationship soon to be engagement due to his aspergers. He simply couldn’t socially adjust and was a pathalogical liar. It was hard on her, but she knew it wasn’t right for her and it wasn’t right for him as he needed someone who could just take him as he was with no other expectations. 

It seems like you both have such desperately different wants and needs. You appear to know the answer in your mind, but your heart wants so much for it to be another answer.

You have to do what is best for you both while protecting you. Best of luck in your journey. 

Post # 9
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Can I ask why you would want your child to have this man for a father? He’s unprincipled, inconsistent, puts himself first, jerks you around and walks all over you, doesn’t tell the truth, and can’t feel love or affection properly. If that’s the bed you want to lay in, that’s your business–but don’t inflict that on an innocent child.

Post # 10
1405 posts
Bumble bee

You had to schedule a time for him to propose and he kept saying it felt wrong.  It felt wrong because it is wrong.  

Post # 11
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I am not sure this dear man can give you the love that you need and the happiness that you deserve. This is a lot of heartache, I am not sure you will be able to live with this long term. You might always resent him for botching one of the happiest occasions in life with this much uncertainty and pain.

I think you already know that you should leave, you are just having a hard time accepting it.

Post # 16
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think you know the answer. If you have to ask…

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