(Closed) He said it’s because of my debt!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Can you lay out for him how your are paying down your debt (in a visual way) and your plan to be debt free in 2 1/2 years?

Bring up that you are happy to keep finances separate after marriage, maybe even talk about the possiblity of a pre-nup?

I can understand why you are hurt about it, but my Fiance would be the same way because he’s a very rational thinker at his core.

Post # 4
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

That is a lot of debt to go into a marraige with. Why don’t you ask him if you can compromise. Let him know that you are aware of your debts and that you are working hard to pay them off. You can let him know that even if you get engaged, you can wait to get married when the debts are paid.

Post # 5
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I definitely feel for you! Debt is not an easy topic and I know because I have some, for some of the same reasons as you.  Luckily, my Fiance has always been aware of it and supportive and is now helping me pay some of it off since I am a student and only have a pt job.  I would stress with your SO that your debt is your debt and you don’t expect him to pay for it and maybe that will alleviate some of his concerns? Also, maybe if you give him a detailed plan of how soon it will be paid off that could help too? I hope it works out for the best 🙂

Post # 6
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I feel that if you are paying your bills on time, then there shouldn’t be a problem. I have student loan debt too, but my FH and I have an understanding that when I finish school I will pay off my student loans asap. Maybe he would feel better if the both of you went to one of those free debt management classes. Or, maybe he is using that as an excuse to throw you off because he is planning to propose soon.

Post # 7
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

Hmmm, that’s interesting to hear because I am more in debt than you and I don’t consider myself in WAY too much debt or bad with money (I have my student loans, car, and credit card debt) and my credit score is considered “Excellent”. I can understand what he’s saying because my Boyfriend or Best Friend has no debt right now and has mentioned things like this to me before. I think your Boyfriend or Best Friend is worried about it only  because when you get married, I think all of your debt becomes his debt in a way that perhaps could affect his credit score? HOWEVER! I am on your side because I don’t think that’s too much debt or unreasonable AT ALL. There are a lot of expenses that come up in your 20s and you don’t make as much money at that point in your life. I know a big reason for my CC debt is being in weddings. So no, I don’t think $17,000 is a lot of debt to go into a marriage with because the majority of that is your student loans which is considered “good debt”. I would clarify with him his reasoning for this. Is it because he doesn’t want your debt to be part of his credit score? Is it because he thinks he’ll have to pay it off? Is it because he wants to make sure you’re financially responsible? What you say to him would depend on his reason I think.

Post # 8
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be PISSED. I graduated from a private liberal arts school with about $40,000 in loan debt. Pretty much everyone has student loan debt unless you went to a state school and stopped after getting your bachelor’s. You do not have that much debt. Really. And as long as you’re in a position to make your payments and have an end in sight for paying it off, there’s no reason to keep you from getting married. I’m assuming he thinks that getting married to you, with your debt, will affect his credit score. That only happens if you jointly hold accounts. I’d find out your credit score, tell him what it is, and tell him that if it’s such a big deal to him, you can keep separate accounts until you pay off your debt. Personally, I’d slap him.

Post # 9
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It’s a little unfair he wouldn’t want to get engaged over your debt when part of that is from student loans. Nearly everyone who has an education left college with some debt from student loans! I would say that you appreciate his concern and you don’t want him to feel responsible for your debt, and that when you sit down to figure out how to join money when you get married, you can keep separate accounts for your separate debt and make a joint account for household bills.

Post # 10
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I told FH for the longest time that I wouldn’t get married until he paid off his student loans and credit cards.

My parents always told us that you dont buy things you cant afford. Their house was paid for and when they needed a car they paid for it. When my brother went to school they paid for it etc. So i had never expierenced having $ on credit cards that you needed to pay over time or loans for school.

BUT a few years later I got over it. Not that it will take him a few years but maybe he just needs time to get use to the idea.

Post # 11
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

ps. you may want to consider consolidating your credit cards and transfer your balances to a credit card that has no interest on balance transfers for a year or whatever. The transfer fee would probably equal one month of your finance charges.

Post # 12
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@JenBabe: Debt is a major concern when marrying a person because his/her debts automatically become each others. $17,000 in my opinion is not a lot of money and I agree with you, that was a lame excuse for not wanting to marry someone. You should speak with him, because if 17,000 is holding him back from proposing maybe he is not being too honest. 

Post # 13
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m really sorry to hear that. You sound like a responsible person to me who didn’t have the luxury of mommy and daddy taking care of everything.

I would never consider student loan debt to be bad debt.  Credit card debt of $7,000 isn’t great, but I have also been in your situation.  Just keep working hard at paying down that credit card debt first and foremost and you’ll be rid of it in no time.

Also, I wouldn’t say you are being taken advantage of by living with him.  However, make sure that you are really splitting the expenses. 

Post # 14
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I had major debt when I met my now Fiance (almost husband in 9 days!!). This was not from school loans etc. Basically getting myself into trouble at age 18 with credit cards. I admitted I was totally embarassed and he was def. a huge emotional support. I had the debt paid off in no time and within just a few short months we bought a house together. If he truly loves you, he will propose despite your debt.

Post # 15
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

um, I have over 3 times that much debt and my Fiance is not holding that against me. I mean, I could see why he would be hesitant about marrying you if you were not paying on your debts every month or if you had insinuated that yo expected him to pay for them after you get married, but considering neither of those apply to you, I think his reaction is pretty harsh and I would be really hurt too.

I think the two of you just need to sit down and have a serious discussion. Don’t come across as accusitory or angry, cause, well, you did say you wouldn’t get mad. I think if you can explain to him that you are working hard to pay it off and aren’t expecting him to do it for you, then maybe he might see things differently. good luck

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