(Closed) HE SAID WHAT?! (long rant)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree that this: “we needed to wait to buy a house and push back our wedding date “”

is way out of line, but also I kind of see why he would be hurt that his best friend and best man is not going to his wedding.

 

Why is it so expensive to go? How about your Fi goes without you for only the three nights that the friend will pay?

Post # 4
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MissCountryGirl727:  I think that when a person has a wedding far away they need to understand that people can’t afford it. Since they had one wedding in America already, maybe he should have invited you to that if he was so concerned with your presence at his wedding.

Post # 5
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@MissCountryGirl727: I completely agree with you and think you are being smart and mature. I would never go into debt for someone else’s wedding and if he can’t understand that HIS wedding isn’t the priority for where YOUR money goes, then he needs to grow up. The world doesn’t revolve around him and just like he is starting out a new married life, so are you. Asking you to put your life on hold to meet his needs (which he hasn’t even planned yet) is completely outrageous and uncalled for. I can’t imagine a person like this would be my best friend after comments like that.

PLEASE tell me that you aren’t listening to him and are sticking with your own plans? 

Post # 6
Member
2685 posts
Sugar bee

I can see why your FI’s friend would be upset that one of his groomsmen couldn’t make it, but I agree that he’s being unreasonable.  The reality is that time doesn’t stand still for anybody’s wedding.  It would be awesome if everyone could attend (or afford to attend) a wedding, but things usually don’t work out that way and sometimes sacrifices need to be made.  You and your Fiance are making smart decisions to start your future together and I think your FI’s friend needs to realize that.

Post # 7
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Wow he is selfish. I agree that he should have invited everyone to come when they married in the states. I am sure he will get over it.

Post # 8
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I totally see your side and he’s being a bit ridiculous because when you choose to move overseas, you forgo getting to see a lot of people.

 

But hang on a minute. How on earth is is $8,000 to go overseas for this wedding? We spent far less than that on a blowout two week European honeymoon going to two countries. Also less than that on 3 weeks in Australia/New Zealand. Also less than that on 3 weeks in two counrties in Europe… the list goes on. There are ways to not spend that much. I do understand about the vacation thing, that is a sticky point.

 

Does anyone in your family have miles you can use? Can you stay at inexpensive hotels?

Post # 9
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Darling Husband is from overseas and he really misses his friends and family back home. In the 5 years we have been together, we’ve been across to visit probably 24 times (including weddings for his sister and also two of his friends). In that same time, we’ve had his friends and family visit maybe 10 times between them all— which includes about 4 visits by his best friend, for which we paid all expenses (including the flights) and his parents’ visit for our wedding which we likewise covered all expenses.  The sister whose wedding we went to? She didn’t even come to ours!  We understand that our finances are quite different to our friends and loved ones overseas, but really, he’s been here for 11 years all together and it does make him hurt and sad that in that time, most folks have never come to visit him, and of the ones who did, we usually paid for everything.

I’m not saying your fi’s friend is right or justified in saying you need to change your own wedding and other obligations just so you can attend his wedding, but I will give him a lot of leeway as I can see the other side of things. He’s probably just very tired of not being able to spend time with those he loves, and probably feeling very alone and frustrated.  I would do my best to not take offense by what he said, although I also wouldn’t change my own financial goals just for his sake.  Perhaps there is some happy medium somewhere, like your fi attending the wedding on his own for just the nights the groom offered to cover.

Post # 10
Member
6 posts
Newbee

@swisea01:  very nice point, was 

@BoxerLady:  he really needs to grow up, I agree. and if he really feels that you should put your life’s plans on hold for other people, then why doesn’t he move his wedding to America for you ? lol he has to understand that since he doesn’t even have a date or anything, the whole world will not not get engaged/married/by a house and wait for him to make his wedding plans lol.

 

P.S. out of curiosity, is he gonna spend the money to attend your wedding?

Post # 11
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

I’m going to be very blunt here. I cannot see it from the friend’s POV at all, and I think that his demands are immature and ridiculous. The world doesn’t revolve round him. If you move abroad, you don’t get to see your friends unless YOU GO HOME. IMO, you are entirely in the right here.

Post # 12
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@MissCountryGirl727:  If someone has a destination wedding out of the country where you live, all bets are off as far as who will be able to attend.  It’s completely unfair of him to tell you to move your wedding date and especially wrong of him to tell you not to buy a house when you are ready to.  Those are personal financial decisions that he has no control over.

Unfortunately, this is probably going to turn out poorly because if you don’t go the friendship will be over on his end.  If you do go then you will be spending money that you would prefer to spend on other things and you will likely grow to resent it and the friendship will be over on your end.  I’m sorry you are put in such a bad position.

The friend should have planned his wedding in the States where it’s more convenient for the people he obviously believes are important to him to attend his wedding.

Post # 13
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

It seems like it is not really about you being there for the wedding or not, but more about his frustration and sadness that you and/or other people haven’t been able to come and visit him.  I know that moving abroad means you forfeit your right to see people whenever you wish, but maybe you can see it from his side a bit, too: he’s about to go through a once-in-a-lifetime day, and a lot of the people close to him won’t be there.  Of course, he could have had it in the U.S., but maybe it was equally impossible for him to have it there.  And also, he should have never said that outloud to you, even if he was thinking it. That was downright rude!

You have very valid financial reasons for not going to visit him, but to him it might also seem like you have all this money (true or not) and you have decided to not spend it on him, which is immature, but also I think a reaction of feeling insecure while so far away from family and friends, as well as lonely.

I’ve been living abroad for 3 years now and have had one person come visit me, once, so this is just my potential perspective from another side.  He might have been rude, but try to have some patience with him!

Post # 15
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

I completely understand where you are coming from, and you are really generous for putting the time and effort and money in to planning a visit in the future! And even though his reaction might be rude and immature, it’s good you can see it from his side a bit, too 🙂 I hope you have an awesome trip, if and when you do get to go!

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