(Closed) He says he doesn't believe in love? WTF

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do if he didn't end it?
    Stay and not say anything : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Peace Out : (96 votes)
    51 %
    Give it more time : (19 votes)
    10 %
    Tell him I love him and l see what happens, even if it ends at least I'm honest and he knows : (71 votes)
    38 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Ouch! That’s so cynical… Even if you do love him (sounds like you do), I think he was making it clear what he would say (or rather not say) in return, whether he meant to or not. 9 months is a long time, I wouldn’t be too optimistic if he’s still not even considering that he might love you. That would kill me. Do his actions tell a different story overall, or are they pretty in line with him liking but not loving you? 

    Post # 5
    Member
    4478 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    You guys have been together 9 months and he hasn’t told you he loves you yet.  You’ve hung around a few months too long.  I’m sorry this is happening.  Find someone who can give you the love you deserve.

    Post # 8
    Member
    340 posts
    Helper bee

    I am so so sorry you are having to deal with this especially at work. You said that you didn’t ever want to waist time again on another man, but sweetie I am afraid if he doesn’t believe in love you will be miserable long term. You will always try to make him love you and he should just love you because you are you. I honestly would be very fearful of a long term relationship with that man. At 37 a man should know what he wants by then especially after 9 months. If I were you I would tell him how bad that comment hurt your feelings because you want a family and marriage one day. I would also suggest to him that he needs to seek counselling for his terrible take on love because of past bad experiences. That being said, my current SO told me very early on that he had never loved a woman before (granted they all were psycho and biatces IMO), but now he tells me all that time that he loves me more than anything. I can to show him what a real rel is like and had to drown him in love so he wasn’t afraid to fall for me. I don’t know your dynamic, but maybe you are guarded too and he is afraid to fall from your past rels etc. So much can be going on. Just talk to him and have a deep heart to heart, but don’t assume going in that you will breakup. Try your hardest to take a long lunch and keep your mind busy until the talk tonight. Hugs 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    4478 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    @Bazinga:  This isn’t the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus.  His saying he doesn’t believe in love means he doesn’t love you.  If he loved you he’d believe in it.  If you want to tell him you love him, do so because it’s something true in your heart and you think he should know, but just be aware he might not react well to it.  

    Post # 10
    Member
    9672 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @Bazinga:   I don’t think what he said was that bad.  In the context of the fact that you’d both had some drinks and were just having a lazy, casual bed-time conversation, add that to the way the male mind works, try to keep this in perspective.

    I don’t think he is going to end your relationship. 

    Here is what I would have done last night if my Fiance had said that to me under those circumstances.  I would have turned to him and smiled and said, “Well, I do believe in love, baby, and I believe in us.”  And then would have kissed him and gone to sleep. 

    This is not to say that I don’t understand exactly why you are upset.  I would have been upset, too.  BUT – this is men we’re talking about.  For some reason they say stupid stuff sometimes.  I will tell you something – at one point my adorable, precious, perfect, angelic Fiance said to me, when I told him I loved him in an earlier stage of our relationship – that he “cared” for me.  WTF!!!  is how I felt at the time.  Seriously!  I KNEW he was in love with me!!  He had a little bit of a hard time saying it sometimes (back then), though.  For the same reason as your guy.  They are a little older, they have been through some stuff, they have been burned.  Try to be understanding about that part, although I know AS A WOMAN it is very hard to grasp. 

    One caveat to all of the above – Has he ever told you loves you during your relationship so far?  Do you feel in the depths of your heart and soul that he does love you?  If he has NEVER told you he loves you, I would be a little worried.  But take into consideration the fact that men have a harder time than we do expressing their feelings.

    After I flipped out on my Fiance (just a little, lol) back then when he said he “cared” for me (he didn’t think that was a bad word at all) he admitted later that he was always madly, passionately in love with me but was afraid to say it.  His exact words NOW about what he said then is that he was afraid to admit how much in love he was. 

    Unless you have reasons to doubt his true feelings for you, I say let this go and try not to worry. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    7293 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I get a bad vibe from him/ the situation.

    Seems like your going to be in an uphill battle to get any of the things you truly desire in life!

    Post # 12
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Bazinga:  I’m sorry, reading my comment again, I think it came off harsher than I meant to. Is it possible that he’s just really bad at evaluating his own feelings? If his actions speak otherwise, I wouldn’t lose all hope. But if you think you want to stick around, don’t let him off the hook so easily. 9 months in, in his late 30s, he should be capable of sorting through his feelings and deciding whether he’s falling in love with you and wants to pursue long-term plans or if he needs to move on. 

    Edit: in response to you not knowing what’s a normal timeline for a guy to admit love, in my experience it’s less than 2 months. I know it’s different for some ladies, but 6-9 months seems like a long time unless you only see each other rarely

    Post # 13
    Member
    2183 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

    Eh, my husband often says stuff when I’m pretty certain he’s awake, but actually asleep. He seriously doesn’t remember the conversation. Maybe your guy is similar and woke up normal because he a) didn’t remember his statement, or b) didn’t think much of it.

    After 9 months, and with your ages in mind, I would sit down and have a nice chat about his hopes for the future. Does he want kids? Does he want to be married? It’s okay to have these coversations, in fact, you have to. Don’t guess. Ask.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2463 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I would ask him what he meant by that and what “love” means to him. it doesn’t sound like this was a very in-depth conversation, so before jumping to leaving outright or telling him you love him, I think there’s more to talk about. if he means he doesn’t believe in monogamy/long-term commitment/partnership/etc (ie, whatever it means to you), than yeah, leave asap, but hear him out first. 9 months is a pretty long time, especially since you aren’t teenagers–it took my dh about that long to be comfortable telling me he loved me when he was 24, for comparisons-sake

    Post # 16
    Member
    3471 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

    Honestly, I think you’re just a few steps ahead of him in the relationship process.  

    When my husband and I first got together he told me he didn’t believe in marriage and never wanted kids.  I told him I wasn’t thinking long term at the time (I was only 18) and we should just enjoy the moment.  It turns out 3 years later, he rethought about his position and changed his mind; he decided he loved me (and I say “decided” because it was a calculated decision to say those words, I kid you not, he wrote it down in his planner as a possible 2 yr anniversary idea) and wanted to spend our lives, so he accepted that I wanted marriage and kids and gave me those things.  I say this not out of spite or with any resentment, I love my husband and I accept his type of love in return; but it wasn’t always easy.  I had to learn that we think about things in different ways, and we process our emotions differently, as a result of that after almost 6 years together, he still struggles to say “I love you” but I have never once doubted that he does.

    I realize you’re at a different point in your life, so waiting for him to come around might not be an option, but I would at least encourage you to think about the fact that even if he’s not ready to say it right now, that doesn’t mean this man doesn’t love you– he might just have a bit of a different definition (especaily if he’s been hurt before) and isn’t quite ready to accept that realization. 

    My reccommendation would be to give it time, this man isn’t your ex, and he doesn’t deserve to be written off just because you “wasted” so much time before you met him.  Relationships take time to build and grow, if you spend all your energy trying to make up for lost time, you’ll never give your present situation a chance. I’m not saying he’s “the one” or anything, only you can know that– I’d just recommend you give him the chance to explore his own feelings before you decide it’s time to move on to the next candidate. 

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