(Closed) He says he doesn't believe in love? WTF

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do if he didn't end it?

    Stay and not say anything

    Peace Out

    Give it more time

    Tell him I love him and l see what happens, even if it ends at least I'm honest and he knows

  • Post # 47
    Member
    254 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I think if the guy is open to marrying you, you should be able to have open conversations with him about the future and what it  means.

    My story is a little extreme…so don’t do it..but it just shows the right man will be okay with you being open.

    6 mths into the relationship, I’m with Fiance watching jersey shore( my bad!). I turn to him suddenly and say..lock it down. He says..what? I said..lock it down! then I start beating him a pillow chanting lock it down.

    Then i took to waving my hand infront of him saying where’s my ring. He would wake up in the morning bright and early and my hand would be infront of his face.

    Its surprising the poor man did not run away..but i love him for it.

    So the deal is, you’ve been around 9 mths, you shoudl really have a frank open conversation where this is going to go. and if the answer is negative and not promising, goodbye!

    Post # 48
    Member
    9944 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    View original reply
    @Bazinga:   Ok, breathe, hon.

    Thanks for answering the questions and that says a lot.  He is behaving like a man in love. 

    I agree with some of your plan.  However, this is important, be honest with him tonight but don’t be overly emotional.  Don’t compare him to your ex, he is not your ex, he is a different man who has been treating you well for 9 months.

    Here is what I would do:  I would say, “Baby, what you said last night confused me.”  Then tell him what he said.  Ask him to explain what he meant by that.  Don’t let him off the hook.  But do not interrupt him – let him talk.  Don’t react or get upset by anything he says, try to stay calm and logical.  After he explains then tell him how you feel about him.  Say, “I love you.  If you love me I need to hear the words.  The words are very important to me.” 

    Then give him a little time. 

    If he can’t bring himself to tell you he loves you SOON then cut him loose.  If you believe he loves you but is struggling with the words, be patient – a little.  But once he says the words out loud, “I love you,” to you, things will go much better for the two of you.  Honestly, men have trouble believing in love if they don’t/can’t say it out loud.  Do not let him get away without saying the words.  By now he does know how he feels about you, and he needs to spit it out.

    Post # 49
    Member
    9129 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @Sunflower–girl:  This exactly.  I dealt with this exact situation with my ex husband.  He took 5 years away from my life and I let him even though he warned me he didn’t know if he believed in love when we first got together.

    Trust me, if he didn’t follow up that statement with an “I love you” or “I might love you” then he doesn’t love you and you’re wasting your time.

    Post # 50
    Member
    9129 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    And if you’re really lucky, leaving him may be the wake up call he needs to figure out that he loves you.  But make him wait a few months before you fall back into it because when I told my ex I couldn’t be serious with someone who didn’t want to be married or have children, he told me he had changed his mind the next day.  Lo and behold, 5 years and a wedding and miscarriage later, he still didn’t want to be married or have kids so he wanted a divorce (and I went from a cute, perky, and trusting 20 year old to an angry, drunken 25 year old divorcee and it took a while to get my sh*t back together.)

    Post # 52
    Member
    9944 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    View original reply
    @Bazinga:   My eyes get all swollen, puffy and blood-red for an entire 24 hours when I cry, it’s like I’m allergic to my own tears, lol.  I’d never be able to hide it.

    What I mean by not being too emotional is don’t freak out on him or get hysterical.  You might miss something important if you do that.  You can be emotional enough so that he really gets it how important this is to you, but not overly so that he shuts down.  I truly hope he says all the right things to you tonight.  I don’t think he’s going to dump you.  I certainly hope not. 

    Good luck with your conversation.  Please keep us posted.  I hope tomorrow will bring happy news.

    Post # 54
    Member
    9944 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    View original reply
    @Bazinga:  Also keep saying in your head how deserving of love and fabulous you are. 

    I have a gut feeling it’s going to go well for you tonight.  I hope so.  If it doesn’t, realize you dodged a bullet. 

    ((HUGS))

    Post # 55
    Member
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    What I read from that is so different. I felt that he is uncertain how to proceed with the future because he is afraid of being burnt again. He just didn’t express it in the terms that we understand. I think what you both need is a loving conversation about the future when you feel a bit calmer.

     

    Post # 56
    Member
    187 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    i don’t know if this will be helpful to you or not, but i figured i’d share my story.  my boyfriend and i had only been dating maybe two months, but i knew right away that i loved him.  one night we went to a concert and came home a little tipsy. we slept together and i got all weird and weepy and he kept asking what was wrong, until finally i said, “i think maybe i already love you.. a little bit.” his response? “well, that’s not a bad thing.” ha! i scooped up my clothes and got the hell out of there as quickly as i could. i felt like such a fool and hated myself for ruining things and not being able to slow down.  for sure, i thought he’d freak out and run away. but he called the next day to hang out and acted like nothing ever happened.  i didn’t want to lose him and so i acted like nothing happened too. then in a few weeks time, he came around and confessed that he loved me too, he was just scared to admit it. ps. we’ve been married for nearly a year.

    Post # 57
    Member
    470 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    OP, there is a difference in pushing for the next step and stating how you see your future. It is different to say to a man I want there to be more to our relationship, I love you do you love me too than for you to say, I want to be married and have kids by age …

    The last part is an I statement of fact whether he is onboard or not. It is stating a goal for your future. It is fine to make those statements. You should also ask him how he sees his future and accept what he tells you. If he is saying things are fine as they are and doesn’t see the relationship progressing past this point well then that’s your answer. He doesn’t want to marry or have children. At that point you need to decide how important those things are to you and if you want to stay with someone whose life plan may not be what yours is.

    I think my fiance said I love you somewhere around the 2 month mark. He was making his wishes known before that pushing for exclusivity, telling me how awesome I was and that he was excited about his life with me in it. 3 months after we met we were engaged. At 11 months we married and had lived together since the engagement. Typically yes this is faster than most men operate. My husband had satan as an exwife. He decided the moment he met me that I was nothing like her and he wasn’t going to let go of the best thing that ever happened to him.

    I think a talk is in order. It is great that his actions towards you are so loving. He may be a man who just needs time to say the words. Talk to him and give yourself a deadline that only you know. If he doesn’t talk about the future or tells me he loves me by x date I will evaluate our relationship at that time. I wouldn’t let it go past the 1 year mark.

    Post # 58
    Member
    911 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @juliette.eliza:  +1

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    @Rusalka:  +1

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    @Sunfire:  +1

    Give him time, give yourselves a chance to talk through this and see where he is coming from. His actions speak louder than words, I was with a man that told me all the time he loved me, we were engaged after a year and made my life VERY, VERY difficult for years.

    Some men are not sure about love, heck even I wasn’t…wasn’t sure what it meant and completely overanalyzed it. Also, most men will not say words they don’t mean. My current DH and I took awhile to say the words, but I understand why now. He needed to be absolutely sure of himself first. Just because some of these women’s men knew after 9 months…doesn’t mean everyone will.

    Post # 59
    Member
    804 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    OP you said you were both drinking alcohol before this. In the past I’ve said a lot of things in the past that I didn’t mean. People say a lot of truth comes out with alcohol but I disagree. I don’t think a relationship can or should be defined because 2 people had a few too many beers. My advice is ask him when you are both sober. You might just get a different answer then.

     

    Having said that, this guy is 37 you say, and he’s never been married or engaged? Surely the signs that hes not the marrying kind should have been clear when you first started seeing him. 

    Post # 61
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    @Irish-bride:  That’s a good point about drinking. 

    I was once dating a new guy when he decided to bring me to a NYE party with all of his friends that I’ve never met. He got super drunk, and randomly told me he didn’t want me to be his girlfriend. He then threw up a few times, and since everyone was in other parts of the house ignoring him and I, I stuck around until he was ok enough for us to get into a cab, and for me to get him home. The next day he felt like the biggest dumbass and took it all back, even though I accepted it and was ready to get over it and move on with my life. Then he was apparently in love with me after a month. Then he dumped me for having seasonal depression because he said I was making it all up as an excuse for bad behavior… so it’s not a happy ending… But it’s very possible that he’ll tell a totally different story when he’s sober and faced with a serious discussion. 

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