(Closed) He says he doesn't believe in love? WTF

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do if he didn't end it?

    Stay and not say anything

    Peace Out

    Give it more time

    Tell him I love him and l see what happens, even if it ends at least I'm honest and he knows

  • Post # 63
    Member
    831 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Personally, I think a well-adjusted man should know after 9 months of steadily dating you whether he loves you or not, and if he’s not feeling it by 9 months something is off. Especially when you are in your 30’s.  If you want a family you can’t just go trying out man after man for 2-3 years at a time hoping they come around and fall in love with you.

    “I not sure I believe in love”. Well if that’s true, and not just an excuse or another way of saying “I don’t love YOU”, either way it’s still a really big problem. I think it’s a sign of someone who maybe wasn’t loved growing up, or perhaps has been burned too many times.  Well, that’s sad and all, but at the end of the day YOU have needs too. YOU want a relationship in which you are loved.  He’s essentially telling you he can’t offer that to you.

    I’d say have another conversation when you are sober, and if he’s still telling you this, cut him loose (I don’t think he’s going to dump you).  I’ve learned the hard way, don’t waste time with men who don’t give you what you need, and definitely don’t try to FIX them.

     

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    @Irish-bride:  Not all men in their late 30’s who haven’t been engaged or married aren’t the marrying kind. I’m sure some are, but that’s a broad generalization, and one that’s not fair to either men or women who haven’t found the right person until their 30’s. 

    Post # 64
    Member
    3470 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

    View original reply
    @hammerpants:  I very strongly disagree with you that you can’t slowly fall in love with someone, because that’s exactly what my husband and I did.  We were in a committed relationship for 2 years before he felt comfortable enough with is emotions to tell me he loved me.  Weather he felt it before that point or not is irrelevant, because he hadn’t SAID it yet.  

    Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re going to LET yourself say it out loud; it doesn’t mean you’re ready or willing to take the next step and make a commitment to that person. These are choices you make as a result of your feelings and the experiences you had in the past.  

    View original reply
    @Bazinga:  All of his ACTIONS say he loves you; I’d place my bet on the fact that he’s letting his brain do the talking instead of his heart.  He’s hesitant to admit that he loves you, so rather than say he’s not sure about his feelings for YOU, he says he doubts LOVE instead.  He knows how he feels about you, he’s just not sure he wants to attach such a loaded word to those feelings just yet.  

    The best advice I can give you is stay away from ultimatums, tell him your feelings but don’t make any demands.  I can tell you from experience there is no faster way  to ruin a good relationship.  As you’ve already said, you can’t make him love you if the feelings aren’t there, but trying to force his feelings out wont get you anywhere either.  Just try to keep a level head, and if you can– get the crying out of the way ahead of time! 🙂

     

    Post # 65
    Member
    804 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I really want to hear what he has to say. I think this could have a good outcome.

    Post # 66
    Member
    868 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    View original reply
    @finnaroo:  +1. I’m guessing there is more to the story here. Get him talking about his feelings.

    Post # 67
    Member
    1160 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I had the exact conversation in bed with my ex-BF and I stayed with him and said nothing.

    He left me because he didn’t/couldn’t love me. I should have ended things right after that conversation.

     

    We’d also been together quite awhile before I brought the “love” subject up. :/

    Post # 68
    Member
    911 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @kimm99:  I totally see your point, and agree with you on so many levels. I think their talk needs to define what his comment really means, if anything at all since they were drinking.

    His actions show love, you don’t do those things if you don’t love someone…at least not that I know of 🙂 I wonder if his meaning had more to do with commitment and some sort of fear from what the OP has told us. If that’s the case, sometimes it just takes the right person and lot’s of patience. Of course some of us may be up to a challenge like that, and others may feel it isn’t worth it. That is up to each individual to figure out on their own.

    Post # 69
    Member
    3355 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I seriously do not mean to offend anybody here, but am I the only one who doesn’t think not having said “I love you” in 9 months strange? I know a number of couples who only “dropped the L bomb” (as my SIL puts it) after a year, almost a year and a half together.

    that being said, if the OP wants to get married and have a family, then yeah maybe 9 months is a too long ..

    Post # 70
    Member
    911 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @strawbs:  I think it is up to each couple, you can’t put a time limit on these things, well to some extent… 30 years may be pushing it 🙂

    People define love differently as well, I really love everyone to some extent but doesn’t mean I am in love with them! Just because I am in love with them doesn’t mean we have what it takes to make a successful long lasting marriage either.

    But yes, I think its strange! We didn’t say we loved eachother within 9 months…doesn’t mean we didn’t but we weren’t ready to commit to it.

    Post # 71
    Member
    3355 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

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    @MrsJuneBee:  okay good I’m not the only one.

    well that’s just what I mean. I know each couple has their own timeline for when they decide to tell the other “I love you”, but that range is so huge. not having said “I love you” in 9 months doesn’t strike me as strange, but I can kinda see how this would be purely because of the age of the couple in question.

    Post # 72
    Member
    831 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    View original reply
    @strawbs:  I find it a little strange, if you are dating seriously for 9 months and are both looking for a committed relationship. I mean, I was so certain in my love for my fiance around the 5 month mark.  We did get serious quickly because that’s what we both wanted.  We talked every day and saw each other probably every other day.  Yes, we still had things to learn about each other, but I definitely loved him and he felt the same way.

    I don’t know, I kind of think that’s a good thing. If we hit the 6 month mark and I was uncertain I don’t know if I would have stayed in the relationship, regardless of how much I LIKED him, because I was looking for more than that.

    But everyone’s different, I realize that.

    Post # 73
    Member
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Guys are not that complicated. If he loved you he would say it. Go with your gut. 

    Post # 74
    Member
    299 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    View original reply
    @strawbs:  I dunno, I’ve dated a lot of men in my life and have been in probably about 5 very serious, long term relationships.  In all of the relationships where the “love” discussion occurred, it occurred within a couple of months.  In any of the relationships where the conversation didn’t happen within the first few months, it never ended up happening at all and we never got serious. 

    That’s where my frame of reference comes from, anyway. 

    Post # 75
    Member
    299 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

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    @juliette.eliza:  I specifically said in my post that it was about actually falling in love, not saying you’re in love.  

    Post # 76
    Member
    4350 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think if you want kids and you’re in your thirties, you should move on. Most people know by then that they are in love, or at least are working towards it. If he doesn’t know if he is ready to take the next step (I assume thats telling you he loves you) then he probably won’t be ready in any reasonable time frame if ever.

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