(Closed) He says he wants to marry me…but…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Hi Bees,

I am a long time lurker, and I guess I am just looking for some words of bee wisdom to help me with my situation. 

First, I am 31 and my SO is 33. I have never been married, SO got married at 28 and was in the middle of the divorce process when we met. The marriage obviously went down hill very quickly after they said their “I dos,” but they were together for a total of 10 years.

Dating during that process was the hardest thing that either of us could have done really- it was very emotional for everyone involved. Could I have walked away and said call me when your papers are signed? yes I could have, but I knew from our 3rd date that he was “the one.” (I know that to many that sounds ridiculous, but it is true). The truth is that we were, and still are each other’s happy place. Today the divorce is completely behind us, his exwife pops up every now and then, but is fine. We are paying off a rather large divorce settlement (50,000) but we hope to have it paid off within the next 5 years. We are very in love and have an excellent, stable life together. His family loves me and has told me how thankful they are that he met me and my family feels the same about him. We are in a really good place.

This past winter we found out that we are expecting. I would be lying if I said it was planned, but it wasn’t unplanned either. He has wanted children for a very long time and I had issues with uterian bleeding and I wasn’t 100% sure I could give him children. One night we decided to not use protection and be ok with what happened, now here we are with a little boy on the way (my uterian bleeds are totally gone!) and we are both so excited.

I am very happy, don’t get me wrong. I love him, I am so excited about our son and I can’t wait to be a mom, but I am having a very difficult time with the fact that we are not married. When we found out about the baby I told him flat out that I do not want him to feel obligated to propose. He seemed surprised that I even brought it up and responded that he wasn’t planning on it and marriage isn’t necessary for a happy family. He always tells me he loves me, I know he is an honest, wonderful man who is 100% committed to me and he does say that we will get married.

The problem is he doesn’t really care about it. He will tell me he wants to marry me and that he doesn’t care about getting married in the same breath. He is not shy to say that our relationship is 100x stronger and more fulfilling than what he had with his ex. He has said he had to learn to love her because he wanted to get married and she was who he was dating and with me the love was and still is so easy and he can’t believe he found me. 

Anytime we talk about it he just says that he has already done the wedding thing, we have more important things to spend money on than a ring and wedding, his last wedding was $25,000 and he will not be spending that kind of money again, we live together in our beautiful house and are having a son, and are so happy why can’t we just move past that.

I genuinely get the feeling that he feels like he did the process, he did the wedding, built a house and is starting his family. I can’t help but feel like there is only one woman in this world that he loved enough to marry-and it obviously isn’t me. Like I am good enough to spend the rest of his life with and bare his children (which I am excited to do), but not good enough to marry.

This is getting super long-but I just want to add that as much as I am bringing up the wedding itself, the marriage to the man I love and having my family, complete with everyone having the same last name is what is important to me. I am not the type of girl who needs or wants a $25,000 wedding (we live in an area where that can get you A LOT)…I just want to express my love and committment to him in a ceremony with our closest friends and have a party after on our property.

We have talked about my feelings, about me not having the same name as my son, etc and he just says money this…frivilous spending that, reminds me of the giant whole his last marriage has left us in…he has said he knows now much it means to me, but it just isn’t in the cards right now…I feel like it may never be 🙁 I mean, when will we ever have a ton of extra random money that isn’t ear marked for something?

Well, what should I do bees? Just let it go for now? I think about it everyday, ugh.

Post # 2
Member
2841 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

FreeBee9911:  One thing I have noticed amongst my divorced friends are:  while they aren’t opposed to getting married again– and actually want to– and some of them have even found the right people AND have children with those right people– they are just in a hurry to get married again.

One of my closest friends– she has been married 1x.  Her boyfriend has also been married 1x.  They are happy together, and have two children together, and they will get married one day– but there are so many other things they are doing right now, it’s just not the first thing on the agenda.

I don’t know if after going through a divorce you’re just scared of having to go through it again (afterall, you didn’t think you were going to end up getting divirced the first time around), or because marriage was a foreign thing to a person if they have never been married– but then now that one party has been married– you have other priorities–?  

 

I don’t have any specific words of wisdom- but I can tell you that the type of scenario you are in is awfully familiar amongst my friends.  It doesn’t mean that thier relationships after marriage are less signigficant– they are just focusing on other things besides marriage.  

But yes, I do see how it might present a bit of difference between a couple where one has been married, and the other has not….

Focus on your baby!  Yay!!!!!  and everything else will just fall into place if this guy is everything you say he is :):):)

 

Post # 3
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

You have to realize that men and women are different. Women are more inclined to focus on the emotional aspect and on relationships first. Men think about the financial aspects and providing for their families. Right now he has a HUGE 50,000 financial obligation that he is under. Along with the first wedding being huge, I can see him thinking this will be the same. 

I do totally get where you are coming from, so how about compromising with him. You want to be married, he doesn’t want to spend the money. How about going to the courthouse and just getting married so it works for both of you? Then if you still want it, just have a small bbq or a small dinner with a few friends, so it doesn’t get expensive (his biggest worry) or have family throw a small intimate celebration after the fact. 

The biggest thing is compromise and communication. If you stress how it’s really important to you, it should be important to him. Then you both can tackle the debt issue together. 

Post # 4
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

Even though you were there for the divorce it was still him that went through it. My best friend just got a divorce and I can tell it’s down right exhausting. Getting married is more then sharing a name and living happily ever after. It is a legal contract. It’s very binding and very emotional to get out of.

 While I don’t believe he loved his first wife more than you- you have to remember they were together 10 years. Thats still ALOT! He will for a long time have somewhat of an emotional tie with her. This is where marrying someone who has been divorced gets messy. Not that you guys cant make it work but I really recommend working on your emotional health. This is probably very hard for you and I can understand why. He might not still love her but he does have a huge chunk of his life that was with her. Marriage was apart of that 10 years. Right now he probably doesnt want to jump into something again he so badly wants to forget.

 Focus on being parents right now. Do that first with him. Make him fall inlove with being a daddy and watch how fast he wants you to be his wife. Honest to God I never relized how much I loved my husband as a husband until I saw him as a dad. =)

 Give him time and enjoy this exciting moment!! You are still a family. You are giving your husband a family which is something that getting married cant change. Good Luck girly!!

Post # 5
Member
2613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

FreeBee9911:  I’m sorry, but this is a classic case if why buy the cow.  He’s comfortable because you’ve given everything away freely and he’s happy to take.  Why would you risk getting pregnant by a man who has no real commitment to you? You have rather neatly trapped yourself.  He has all the perks and benefits of a wife with none of the comitment or responsibilities.  Don’t let him feed you a line of BS about peices of paper or how he’s already committed because what he is, is committed to you – for now.  

He’s willing to take what you give him without giving you the respect, honor, commitment and dignity of marrying you.  

You need to tell him what you want and need from him.  If he’s unwilling to give it then move out. 

One last thing – you say that you both are paying off his divorce settlement.  I truly hope you are not helping him pay off this debt. Shame on him if he’s letting you. 

Post # 6
Member
9146 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

FreeBee9911:  Be honest with him and tell him marriage is actually important to you.  Men don’t read minds and if you don’t tell him point blank that you want him to propose and marry you, he won’t necessarily get it.  He may enjoy the fact that your relationship is great as it is and worry that if you do get married that it will negatively affect your relationship.

He spent 10 years with his ex and they still got divorced; that will make a person gun shy.  I’m divorced and while the divorce sucked I knew that I would get married again because I loved being married (just not to my ex husband.)  It’s rough being the first relationship after a divorce but if he’s truly committed he will understand that if it marriage important to you, it’s important to him too.

P.S. What I do find concerning is the lack of blame on your SO for his role in his divorce.  A marriage takes two people and so does a divorce.  My current husband was much more comfortable with my divorce once I admitted my fault in the situation and showed that I had learned from my mistakes.

Post # 7
Member
527 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 

Why give your son his name? I know that’s not necessarily the issue at hand here, but personally, I don’t think you should do this.

If you can be a family without being married, he can be a father without having the same last name as his son. You can change the son’s name when you get married. But right now, he isn’t willing to commit enough to you to give you his last name, he shouldn’t be giving the child his last name.

I’m not suggesting this as retaliation, either. Many women who have a child out of wedlock do not stay with the fathers (many do as well). Whatever side of the statistic you will fall on, it is likely that you will be the primary caregiver in the event of a seperation- and then you’ll have different last names for no good reason. Without a commitment of marriage, I would never give my child the father’s last name- I’ve got to look out for me and my kid and keep my heart out of it.

Just something to think about.

Post # 8
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

 

Zhabeego:  While I appreciate your comment, I am not someone who buys that line. Personally I would never marry someone who I have not lived with, that is just my preference. As far as our child goes, I have absolutely no regrets. As much as I want to get married I would rather spend the rest of my life with the man I love and our child (hopefully children) than leave, or even threaten to leave. Marriage is not THAT important to give up my otherwise very happy life, and I do not see what he is doing as manipulative/purposeful.

 

As far as paying his divorce settlement, I obviously am not cutting the check, but we live together so my money goes towards the bills. He pays for it out of his money, but his money being tied up in that means my money has to cover other things, so I guess in a sense I am, but I am also paying for our house, utilities, baby items, etc.

 

beachbride1216:  My SO has taken plenty of blame for his divorce, I just was not going to write all of it down here. He is well aware of how their lifestyles ultimately did not mesh (the typical not the same person at 18 that they were at 28) and that neither of them put in any effort to see the other person’s side. She spent years threatening to leave him (yes, even before the wedding), they went to counseling, etc. Considering that we met during the process we had many discussions as friends prior to starting our actual relationship and I know that he spent a lot of time looking at himself and what he needed to change in the future.

 

 

VivienMarcheline:  We have had long discussions about whose last name the baby will have. I have brought up the same things that you brought up. He gets very upset that I am questioning his comittment to me and doesn’t understand why we would have to change both my and our son’s name when we get married. He then asked if I really wanted him to start saving for a ring when we have a baby coming and need a new car. He said he would if that was what I wanted, but he just doesn’t see it as a financially sound decision.

 

MrsEME:  That is exactly how he feels. He also says how marriage obviously isn’t forever so regardless of if we get married now or in 5 years it does not change our comittment level.

MrsTtoB:  That really helps put things into perspective. He is an engineer and all about numbers and not so much about emotions. He is the most practical person I have ever met, this usually helps my emotional side, it is just in this case it drives me crazy!

Post # 9
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

sorry about all the spaces, I have no idea why that happened.

Post # 10
Member
2232 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with everything Zhabeego and VivienMarcheline said. You would be well-advised to consider every word of their comments.

Do not let the topic of marriage go by the wayside. Marriage isn’t just some certificate to show how much two people love each other. It’s about legalities, responsibilities, and certain protections. You are having children with him, living with him, and tying your money up with his. To do all of that without the benefit of marriage when marriage is what you truly want is not in your best interest. 

I know it’s not a nice thought, but if you just drop the topic of marriage and let him decide when marriage will happen, if it happens at all, you could be putting yourself and your future child(ren) in a tough spot. 

If marriage is what you truly want, don’t give it up for him. Don’t let years pass by while your wishing and hoping for marriage. When progress towards marriage stops being made — productive talks about marriage, proposal, engagement, wedding planning, wedding — then it’s probably time to move out and create distance or end it. 

A lot of people won’t agree with what I wrote, and it might sound harsh, but too many women waste time and complicate their lives and their children’s lives by waiting for their SO’s to decide to marry them. It’s just not necessary, and it’s avoidable in many cases. Please be smart about your choices, protect yourself, and do what’s in your best interest even when it’s tough. 

Post # 11
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

FreeBee9911:  i do think you’ll get married but after his divorce it sounds like what he thought marriage was turned out not to be the case and caused him nothing but heartache and a lot of money. He probably thinks of marriage now and immediately thinks cost, big party, no rush. Where as for you it’s about the love and commitment side am I right? I’m sure he’ll realise this, and what getting married can mean when it’s with the right person. Maybe just give him time. 

Post # 12
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

FreeBee9911:  is he willing to get married at a courthouse and then you guys have a celebration later down the line? Is that a compromise? I understand wanting to have the ring and the wedding part, but the reality is having a child has certainly changed your priorities. I would say if you just want to marry him, do that now and do a vow renewal or small party at another time! 

I totally get the last name thing. My SO wants kids now, but unless it is unplanned, my reasoning is that I want to share a last name with my child and I want our wedding to be prioritized first. 

Post # 13
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Rhopalocera:  I completely agree with you. 

FreeBee9911 Please take what she said to heart.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  citysparkle.
  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  citysparkle.
Post # 14
Member
4042 posts
Honey bee

 

FreeBee9911:  If he keeps bringing up financial reasons for delaying the purchase of a ring or wedding, why not buy a cheap set and go to the court house now? You could always have a vow renewal later if you want, then you could upgrade.

While I understand his apprehension about marriage due to his past marriage/divorce, I honestly don’t understand why you would agree to have his child if you are so concerned with marriage. You say it’s not that important, yet you are on the bee writing about it. So clearly this matters to you. 

How long have you two been together? Did you have a timeline discussion at some point about when you might get married? FWIW, I don’t buy the financial reasons at all as reasons not to get married now. It costs about $35 for a marriage license and no rings are required. 

Post # 15
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I agree with Rhopalocera. While he is probably scarred and jaded from his divorce and is in no rush to get remarried, he cannot deny the fact that you are pregnant with his child and this is important to you. If it is just about money, you can have a simple plain wedding band (heck even a simple pave diamond band is just a few hundred dollars) and get married at a courthouse. I would think LOOOONG and hard about giving my child someone’s name who isn’t willing to commit. I’m sorry, but NO, someone saying marriage doesn’t change the level of commitment is wrong. It makes it a LEGAL commitment. Which can really protect you in the future. Best of luck to you!

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