- 4 years ago
I am a long time lurker, and I guess I am just looking for some words of bee wisdom to help me with my situation.
First, I am 31 and my SO is 33. I have never been married, SO got married at 28 and was in the middle of the divorce process when we met. The marriage obviously went down hill very quickly after they said their “I dos,” but they were together for a total of 10 years.
Dating during that process was the hardest thing that either of us could have done really- it was very emotional for everyone involved. Could I have walked away and said call me when your papers are signed? yes I could have, but I knew from our 3rd date that he was “the one.” (I know that to many that sounds ridiculous, but it is true). The truth is that we were, and still are each other’s happy place. Today the divorce is completely behind us, his exwife pops up every now and then, but is fine. We are paying off a rather large divorce settlement (50,000) but we hope to have it paid off within the next 5 years. We are very in love and have an excellent, stable life together. His family loves me and has told me how thankful they are that he met me and my family feels the same about him. We are in a really good place.
This past winter we found out that we are expecting. I would be lying if I said it was planned, but it wasn’t unplanned either. He has wanted children for a very long time and I had issues with uterian bleeding and I wasn’t 100% sure I could give him children. One night we decided to not use protection and be ok with what happened, now here we are with a little boy on the way (my uterian bleeds are totally gone!) and we are both so excited.
I am very happy, don’t get me wrong. I love him, I am so excited about our son and I can’t wait to be a mom, but I am having a very difficult time with the fact that we are not married. When we found out about the baby I told him flat out that I do not want him to feel obligated to propose. He seemed surprised that I even brought it up and responded that he wasn’t planning on it and marriage isn’t necessary for a happy family. He always tells me he loves me, I know he is an honest, wonderful man who is 100% committed to me and he does say that we will get married.
The problem is he doesn’t really care about it. He will tell me he wants to marry me and that he doesn’t care about getting married in the same breath. He is not shy to say that our relationship is 100x stronger and more fulfilling than what he had with his ex. He has said he had to learn to love her because he wanted to get married and she was who he was dating and with me the love was and still is so easy and he can’t believe he found me.
Anytime we talk about it he just says that he has already done the wedding thing, we have more important things to spend money on than a ring and wedding, his last wedding was $25,000 and he will not be spending that kind of money again, we live together in our beautiful house and are having a son, and are so happy why can’t we just move past that.
I genuinely get the feeling that he feels like he did the process, he did the wedding, built a house and is starting his family. I can’t help but feel like there is only one woman in this world that he loved enough to marry-and it obviously isn’t me. Like I am good enough to spend the rest of his life with and bare his children (which I am excited to do), but not good enough to marry.
This is getting super long-but I just want to add that as much as I am bringing up the wedding itself, the marriage to the man I love and having my family, complete with everyone having the same last name is what is important to me. I am not the type of girl who needs or wants a $25,000 wedding (we live in an area where that can get you A LOT)…I just want to express my love and committment to him in a ceremony with our closest friends and have a party after on our property.
We have talked about my feelings, about me not having the same name as my son, etc and he just says money this…frivilous spending that, reminds me of the giant whole his last marriage has left us in…he has said he knows now much it means to me, but it just isn’t in the cards right now…I feel like it may never be 🙁 I mean, when will we ever have a ton of extra random money that isn’t ear marked for something?
Well, what should I do bees? Just let it go for now? I think about it everyday, ugh.