(Closed) He says no way to counseling; I say we can’t do this on our own. What do u say?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

when you say you have been super curious about his past and he won’t tell you, what are you referring to?  past relationships or something?  is there a reason he won’t share?

Post # 6
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

@shellshocked: so the problems are all about him not sharing enough? a lot of men (and for that matter, women) have no experience with therapy and don’t pay much credence to it.  furthermore, it is very difficult for him to come out and talk to you, let alone a stranger, so this is probably very hard for him.  if this is the only issue you guys have, i’d suggest trying to be as supportive as possible and let him have his own relationship with his sisters.  it sounds like they all have past baggage that they are dealing with, and if he can’t open up to you, rather than lose him over this, i would just try and be as comforting and understanding as possible.  sorry, this is a tough one.

Post # 7
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hi, I’m sorry about this situation.  But what is it that you REALLY want-because I am confused?  Do you have (your) family that you are close to?  Do you want to be included in his family?  -Is this the main issue??? Or is there something else I am missing?  As far as his family background-it is what it is-and if he’s okay with that, why bring it up?? I’m confused?

Post # 8
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Therapy or counseling is not going to work unless he is willing to do it. Forcing him to go isn’t going to accomplish anything- you can go on your own and equip yourself with the tools you need to help yourself in this situation, and you should if he isn’t willing to seek help.

Post # 10
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

@shellshocked: so i guess the simple answer is not to bring it up, right?  if this is the only issue, and he won’t go to therapy, you can’t make him.  i wouldn’t bring it up- he will talk about it with you when/if he is ready.

Post # 12
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

@shellshocked: well, while that would be lovely, maybe that just isn’t the kind of person he is.  he wasn’t like that before you got married, right?  were you not together long before you got married?  i would just focus on his strengths and learn to live without the other things like a big, loving family reception on his side. 

Post # 14
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It would not be a dealbreaker for me.  Not everyone recognizes therapy as valuable or important to a struggling relationship.  It sounds like he wants to work on things –  isn’t there some way you can do that without therapy?

Post # 15
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you’ve been miserable for some time now, and I think this would be the last straw if it were me.

You’ve tried working things out on your own, and it sounds like your relationship has only continued to deteriorate. In your words, the marriage is close to its breaking point. You’ve both given ultimatums, you’ve both threatened to end the marriage. What more can be said and done between the two of you that you haven’t already tried?

I guess it’s hard for me to understand why he is so dead set against counselling that he would rather lose you than go see someone with you. To me, that says it all. He’s made his choice. Whether your marriage dies slowly and painfully, or whether you follow through with a final ultimatum, he’s okay with that as long as he doesn’t have to go to counselling.

I’m honestly sitting here trying to wrap my head around that. Your marriage is clearly not the number one priority in his life. So what is his number one priority? This other thing is so incredibly important to him that your marriage is disposable in comparison. He’s willing to throw your relationship under the bus in order to preserve this other thing… but what is it?

It seems like his secrecy has been a negative theme throughout your relationship, and that his secrecy directly contributes to a lot of the dysfunctional aspects of your relationship, as well as the relationship between you and his family. That’s not the kind of thing people recognize and break out of on their own. So unless he has displayed significant self-awareness and insight into his own issues, I’m really skeptical of his claims that you can work through these problems on your own.

I really suggest seeing someone by yourself, so you can sort through your thoughts and feelings and find some clarity. If he won’t cooperate, that’s all you can do.

 

Post # 16
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

if he won’t go to counseling with you, i would go on your own. i second a lot of what @jayce: said. i hope things get better for you!

The topic ‘He says no way to counseling; I say we can’t do this on our own. What do u say?’ is closed to new replies.

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