He thinks I don't do enough, but he doesn't know the girl I USED to be.

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 17
Member
8454 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

kisses4levi :  

I think there are a couple of thing here.  First yes,  you used to be awful, I simply can’t  come at  adult having  parents  wait on them  , so I don’t think saying you are good now compared  to then  cuts much ice.

But his attitude is a bit off too, at first   he was grateful for  anything  , now he’s used to being looked after, you are not doing enough  – I know that scenario ! 

The children are a whole thing in itself too. They are plenty old enough  to be taught some  manners and  responsibility , trouble is, he presumably never has  and you are not doing so either,in fact you are beginning to be treated as not very  efficient houskeeper/ nanny .  

You don’t  seem concerned about  being unemployed in your posts , only about being ‘lazy’ and/or about pleasing your  Fiance . I think you might be on a  slippery slope OP ………..

 

Post # 19
Member
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

The more he tells them to clean up after themselves, the better. It’s not fair for you to have to tell them those things when you are new in the house. He needs to be a good role model and clean up after himself, too. 

I like Rachel Ray’s recipes:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/shows/30-minute-meals/recipes

I’m also really into crock pot recipes because they are easy. You can use Google for those.  

Post # 21
Member
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think these are issues that need to be discussed with Fiance so that they can be ironed out. You can tell him what you want from him (clean up after himself, make sure the kids clean up after themselves), and he can say what he expects from you.

As a couple, you should be able to talk about these things and work them out. It’s good you’re learning to cook and clean, but you also need to learn how to stand up for yourself. 

Post # 22
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee

kisses4levi :  Your posts actually make me sad, you are really blaming yourself and giving yourself a hard time for not being what he deems perfect. 

I study full time from home, so I do more of the housework than my Darling Husband. I expect that. But I also expect that he will do a reasonable job of cleaning up after himself. I’m happy to dust, to take care of laundry, and get dinner started each night, but I’m not a maid. He needs to put his clothes in the basket, and wipe up the bench if he spills something. If he urgently needs something washed, he can throw it in the machine and do it himself. 

The fact that you don’t seem to want to be a housewife is concerning to me. I don’t see the part where YOU chose this lifestyle. I think you need to take a minute and work out what you want for your life, then have an honest conversation with your man. He can’t just decide that you’re on school drop off & pickup so you can’t work fulltime. 

Post # 23
Member
2458 posts
Buzzing bee

Since you asked specifically about quick re pies, here’s some ideas:

-get a crock pot.  Throw ingredients in then go about your day.

-Cook bulk, freeze the leftovers.  For example, make 2 lasagnes and save one for a later dinner.

 

 

Post # 24
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

Hmmm. I also have depression, lived with my family until quite late, and was never really independent. Then I met my now-DH and moved in with him. I did virtually nothing then, but have gradually started taking better care of the house, and doing some study and a little bit of from-home work. Darling Husband understood I was depressed and still wanted to be with me. The only time he would get angry was when I didn’t take care of myself (e.g. skipping doctor’s appointments, not collecting my medication). Now, he is grateful and impressed whenever I cook dinner for us (which is most days). I feel like your partner is comiing from a place of expectations and entitlement, not understanding and gratitude. Does he know you had depression? Maybe you should have an honest chat with him (say something like “I had/have depression, and I can improve, but a realistic idea of what I can achieve in the next few years is…”). Because you need to know whether he wants to be with YOU, specifically, with whatever shortcomings you have, or whether he wants to have a housewife who meets certain criteria. I’m sure there’s more to your relationship than what you’re written, but it almost sounds like he’s training you up… why did his attitude change so much over 5 months?

Post # 25
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee

 I do believe the partner  who is contributing financially and is at home more should contribute more to household  chores. that being said it doens t mean that this person has to do everything! everyone who lives in the house should pick up their own mess. especially the kids need to learn that they can’t just leave everything. 

as for dinners. I don’t see a problem with ready or half ready meals if I don’t feel like cooking. fry some chicken, put ready made curry paste on top and boil some rice. boom. dinner.

Post # 26
Member
5732 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I really don’t understand how you can’t find the time to cook more than three dinners a week.  I don’t think his attitude isn’t concerning, as other bees have stated.  You don’t work, in most relationships there is an understanding that the partner not working and not bringing in any income does the vast majority of the household stuff. 

Post # 27
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Huh,  what?  He had you quit your job and stay home,  and now he’s complaining and micromanaging your housekeeping? Like, “omg, we have yesterday’s leftovers for dinner, work harder!!!” but then “omg, you picked up after the kids,  work slower!!!” Maybe he should let you work outside the home (or let you walk) and get a paid maid. 

Sounds like you’re doing a pretty good job. I  know a few women who learned to keep house as young adults and got really good at it with time. Not sure if you’re really enjoying doing it full time though, especially in the environment you’re in. And I’m surprised your SO doesn’t know the girl you used to be…. does he know you at all? 

Post # 28
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

Nope nope nope. I stopped reading and haven’t read a damn comment. They weren’t “truly lazy days”. There is a marked difference between mental illness and laziness. You weren’t lazy. You were mentally ill. So depressed and anxious that job had difficulty leaving the house and performing basic care tasks for yourself. 

I remember, when I was depressed, being self-congratulatory for A WEEK because I made an eye doctor appointment and actually followed through and WENT. I WAS PROUD OF MYSELF FOR A WEEK. I wasn’t lazy. I was sick. 

You need to talk to your fiancé about your history. You’re doing better and in a better place now, but this stuff is cyclical and is likely to come back and make it super tough to function again at some point. He needs to be aware. 

Also, are you expected to stay home and care for the house and prepare meals while he works? If so, are you okay with that arrangement? Would you be happier if you both were working and both split care of the home? If you’re both working will he pitch in? Who cooked for him and his kids before you moved in?

Post # 29
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

I think you need to be careful and not put so much pressure on yourself.

I was in a similar situation to yourself when I moved in with my husband (then partner). I lived with my parents prior to that, I did help around the house but it was still a major change to suddenly do EVERYTHING. I was also unemployed for 3 months so I felt I had to “prove myself” and show that I was “useful”.

Until my husband told me that I needed to take it easy on myself – it was a major change and it’s difficult and I didn’t need to do everything on my own. That was a relief because I was feeling overwhelmed and felt like it was my “duty” to be “perfect housewife”.

Are you planning on finding a job or would you like to stay at home? Is this temporary?

Even if you’re happy to stay at home I personally would not have been okay with your Fiance and his kids being sloppy and leaving all the mess for you to do – as if you are the servant. The kids should have chores and your finace should also be picking up after himself.

Your fiance should be more appreciative of your efforts – if you do go back to work have you discussed how will the house chores be divided then?

 

Post # 30
Member
726 posts
Busy bee

kisses4levi :  There is so many things wrong here, and most of it is not you. Everything about him sounds misogynistic.

What is wrong with eating leftover or wait until dirty clothes are enough to fill washer? That is normal, time saving, and energy saving! He is too entitled and pampered by his ex (maybe that’s why she is an ex because she can’t stand him?). Is this 1950s?

Also if you want to work, you should be able to work be it full time or part time, not letting him steamroll you so that you can be his maid to take care of the house and the kids even though you already moved to be with him. Imagine (God forbid) if he got sick, how would your family survive if the only breadwinner can’t work? If you after working cannot have full time to take care of the house, then maybe you actually be able to pay for weekly house cleaner and still have leftover money from your wage – and a career, and a freedom to use your money, and no gap in your employment history.

Regarding kids, you guys should be agreeing first on how to tell them and be a good example for them – and afterwards  be a united front in front of them. He is their father and you are new in the family, the only way the kids will take follow the rules is that if the rules came from both of you.

*He can be mad about you get angry, so what? What about you yourself, your preference in life and career, how you spend time, how you save money? Does he not take that into account? He sounds has a misogynistic view of what a woman should do.

* If I cook and my husband clean afterwards, I am mindful to not make unnecessary splatters and mess so that my Darling Husband don’t have to spend more time than necessary to clean the kitchen afterwards. I think he think of you like a maid, that’s why he doesn’t care of making giant mess

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