He thinks I don't do enough, but he doesn't know the girl I USED to be.

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
532 posts
Busy bee

ohitsheragain :  Extremely rude and uncalled for. I find your response quite disgusting.

I’m not a “child who failed to launch.” I’ve had jobs in the past and currently working full time on my law degree. After I pass the bar exam, of course I’ll be contributing to the income. Don’t think that I just sit around at home and do nothing. If my husband prefers to eat outside more because his schedule doesn’t allow him to come home at regular times despite me insisting I prepare him meals, I won’t force feed him. Maybe you do that with your husband but I won’t force mine to eat 3 homemade meals a day if he doesn’t want to. I take care of the apartment, laundry, pet, and I cook my food and his too when he wants to eat.

And no, it’s not OP’s “only fucking job” to take care of the house. It sounds like she quit her job just to support him and he doesn’t seem to care about that aspect. And what does she get in return? I do think the guy should still show some appreciation instead of treating her like some maid and criticizing her for not being perfect.

Maybe YOU should get off your fucking high horse and not judge other people’s lives if they don’t align with yours.

Post # 62
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The thing that makes me the most furious about this situation is that his high-school aged children appear to have zero responsibilities or chores around the house. wtf? You are not even married to this guy yet, but even if you were, you should not have to wait on his kids hand & foot…that’s absurd. That’s definitely a conversation that needs to be had with your SO. As pp suggested, kids should not be able to use the internet or do any “fun” activities until their daily chores are completed…like taking out the trash, doing dishes, cleaning their room, etc. When I was in high school I had to do the dishes for everyone every single night (I was an only child), and I would get grounded if I didn’t make my bed in the morning. Plus plenty of other basic chores around the house that had to be done before I could do any “fun” activities. It may sound extreme (the grounding part), but it instilled in me that you have to do your part around the house and that it’s no  one’s job to clean up after you. This is probably why I get so annoyed when I have to clean up after Darling Husband lol…but that’s another story.

Anyway, it sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress with your mental illness, which definitely IS something to be celebrated. Giving your SO the benefit of the doubt, maybe he just doesn’t “get” what mental illness is, maybe he’s stressed at work, who knows…but y’all need to be communicating about all of these things. I think his criticisms are unwarranted.

Post # 63
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

duchessgummybunns :  I agree with the suggestion that the kids have certain chores they are responsible for before they can access Internet. My husband and I have talked about changing the wifi password when our hypothetical future kids don’t pull their weight.

OP, I don’t have much to add to the helpful things a lot of other posters have suggested, but I really agree that you and your SO need to get on the same page about expectations and parenting his kids. There needs to be an agreement that everyone is responsible for cleaning up their own messes. Also, congratulations on the progress you’ve made so far in working on your depression. I know it takes a lot of energy out of you. Don’t beat yourself up when you have bad days, and remember that each day is an opportunity for a fresh start. 

I found the “Done” app helpful in getting me to exercise because I could check it off each day until it became a habit. Maybe it would help you in routinizing some of the things you have trouble making yourself get done? Good luck!

Post # 64
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

You are in an adult relationship and your SO can reasonably expect you to act like an adult. The way things are, he is responsible for providing for you while you are responsible for looking after the household chores. He is fulfilling his end of the bargain – if he spent watching TV instead of going to work and didn’t make enough to cover bills/food/etc you’d be complaining too.

There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to cook dinner every day. As for the kids, they should be picking up after themselves.

Post # 65
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Do you even WANT to be a stay-at-home girlfriend?! You mentioned a few pages back that you actually want to work but he doesn’t want you to. This whole post is sending up alarm bells and I think a lot of PPs are getting lost in the details. 

Post # 66
Member
27 posts
Newbee

tiffanybruiser :  Right! I will admit that I do have a tendency to just walk around and clean up messes as I find them, but in no way shape or form am I going to let my two grown-ass teenagers get away with not lifting a finger unless I nag them about it! They are responsible for cleaning up after themselves, at MINIMUM, but also have chores they are expected to do, like vacuum, sweep, load/unload dishes, etc. These kids have game systems, iPhones, internet, cable television, etc. and those are privileges around here. You don’t pull your weight, you don’t get the fun. End of story. 

OP, I would suggest that with the kids you consider how difficult it has been for you to transition from sitting around your parents home with no expectations to trying to be a step-mom and keep a house maintained. Allowing the teenagers to get by with no expectations is going to set them up for that very same scenario in just a few short years. You are doing them a huge favor by having expectations of them right now! So don’t let yourself feel like you’re being the wicked stepmother by insisting they do their part. The goal is not to raise children, it is to raise ADULTS. 🙂 

Post # 67
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

If you don’t want to be a stay at home SO then get a job.  Hire a house cleaner.  Done. 

Or take a cooking class, teach the kids how to clean up after themselves,  like you all pitch in together after school and get it done.

Post # 68
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee

Did nobody else notice this response from the OP

kisses4levi :  oh trust me I WANT a job, but he needs me to pick up and drop off the kids, so I’m looking at part time jobs but I’m afraid he’ll just get MORE mad because I’ll have even less time to do things.

Giant red flags here. Firstly, her fiance is basically blocking her from getting full-time employment because he needs her to pick up his parenting slack.  It is one thing if OP didn’t want to get a job and he asked/expected her to do the parenting in his stead, but it is a totally different thing that she does want to work outside the house but can’t because he needs her to be a chauffeur to his kids.  I mean, what was he doing before he met the OP? Were the kids not going to school/activities?

Second red flag is how much apparent fear OP lives in. Her Fiance would get “mad” at her for not cleaning around the house if she was working too?  So far, much of the dialog here has focused on OP pulling her weight at home to compensate for not working. But according to the above, even if she did get a job, he’d still have “expectations” and OP would get into trouble if she didn’t meet them.  I mean, is this your life partner or a disciplinarian?

I completely agree that OP has a lot of self-development to do and would benefit from some therapy as well as plain tough love in terms of self improvement. BUT her fiance is to be taking advantage of her vulnerability: he compares her to his apparent domestic goddess ex (well, if she was so perfect, why is she the ex then?), he acts like a child himself (seriously, what ADULT makes a mess and just walks away from it??), he did a complete bait-and-switch in his attitude (got the OP to quit her job and move in with him and now she is financially dependent on him, he turns into a demanding bully).

OP, I think you would be better off moving out on your own, putting this engagement on the back burner and focusing on sorting out your life.

Post # 69
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

livster :  I definitely missed that on my first read! wtf…you’re right, this is the biggest red flag of them all. Everything else is tangental.

Post # 70
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not going to be popular here.

I was the one working full time and then some.  My husband was bipolar and couldn’t keep a job to save his life.  He wouldn’t do diddly shit around the house.  He sat and watched TV or slept since he wouldn’t sleep at night.

So, I worked, cooked, cleaned the house, did the laundry, did the shopping, and did the yard.  This went on for three years; and while he was in therapy, it was one hour a week.

I was incredibly resentful that he couldn’t seem to do anything for himself.

If I’d come here, I would have been told to dump him – and in retrospect I should have.  But, that’s neither here nor there.

Post # 71
Member
532 posts
Busy bee

livster :  Exactly! This is exactly the feeling I got from reading the original post and the updates.

From OP’s writing, it does not sound like she is trying to be better at housework simply to make him happy, but rather that she is trying to be better at housework to get some minimal validation and acknowledgment in return.

OP, if you truly do want to get a job, I think you should not live in fear of your boyfriend opposing it and actually do it. It’s one thing to be a stay-at-home mom willingly and quite another to become one only in order to avoid your boyfriend getting mad at you for not having enough time to do the housework if you get a job. I think you should sit down and talk with him about your and his expectations first.

Post # 73
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

livster :  Yes. Exactly.

Post # 74
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

livster :  THANK YOU!! I posted about that above and could not believe the Bees were still debating cleaning/cooking skills. There is obviously a much bigger issue here. 

Post # 75
Member
532 posts
Busy bee

duchessgummybunns :  x1000

I also found that PP’s comment so utterly ignorant and uncalled for.

OP said she suffered from depression and anxiety, yet is making a effort to actually start doing work around the house, and just wants some help from the teen children and maybe less criticism from the boyfriend. It’s not that much to ask for.

As someone who suffers from extreme anxiety, OCD, and depression, I had a hard time and was considered lazy too. Maybe I didn’t do enough chores around the house growing up (which I regret), but I’ve worked part time jobs since high school through college, and now doing cooking and cleaning in my newlywed life while studying for my graduate degree so that I can also work. I’m from a culture where you get emotionally blackmailed for moving out before marriage, so I stayed with my parents despite wanting to live on my own. Maybe OP is not from a similar upbringing, but I sympathize with her for having difficulties in the past and making an effort now.

But did “ohnoitsheragain” see any of that? No, because it’s much easier to criticize others’ lives and call them “children who failed to launch” than to express any empathy.

I swear, the bee is becoming a cesspool of negativity.

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