He thinks I don't do enough, but he doesn't know the girl I USED to be.

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 76
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

livster :  Excellent points. I picked up on him not wanting him to work so she can be chauffeur cleaner, but not the part about her worrying he’ll ‘get more mad’. Also, when you say ‘he did a complete bait-and-switch in his attitude (got the OP to quit her job and move in with him and now she is financially dependent on him, he turns into a demanding bully).’ Major red flags.

Definitely there is an imbalance of power here when OP is clearly already vulnerable. She was doing better as a working, single adult….I fear this relationship and set-up is a huge step backwards for her well-being and mental health. 

Post # 77
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The biggest issues here seem to be that he either doesn’t understand or care about your mental health issues, and that he doesn’t seem to care about what you want.

I find it odd that you are (at least) his second girlfriend who has been raising his kids (and not to his standards, although he’s doing fuck-all but criticizing). It sounds like he wants a maid and a nanny, not a girlfriend. 

If he cared about you you would be working, because as you clearly stated, THAT is what you want.

Post # 78
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

saratiara2 :  “I find it odd that you are (at least) his second girlfriend who has been raising his kids (and not to his standards, although he’s doing fuck-all but criticizing). It sounds like he wants a maid and a nanny, not a girlfriend.”

+1000 I smell the distinct whiff of a misogynist. He doesn’t seem to care how OP feels. Nothing she ever does is good enough. The kids seem to be the responsibility of any new girlfriend rather than the actual parent. 

Post # 79
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

Check out Flylady.com. It’s a great free system and support forum to get yourself and your home organized.

 

Post # 80
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

OP, re-reading a few of your early posts here because this is increasingly concerning. 

You say you do the grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, and cook maybe 3 nights per week. Plus miscellaneous stuff like taking care of the cats, putting out the garbage etc. 

Now I do agree that more cooking can be done- even simple meals that the kids help prep. But it also sounds like your fiance does zilch. And before you moved in the house had fruit flies and beer cans all over the place? He claims he wants the children to be more self-sufficient, but he’s a piss-poor role model and he’s doing nothing to teach them. Bringing in a new girlfriend as the family maid teaches them nothing except that it’s okay to disrespect you.

I wouldn’t expect them to just come home from school and fend for themselves meal-wise, a family dinner, should be something to strive for even one they help with (cooking skills are a valuable life skill), but neither would I expect them to spill food all over the counter and floor and just walk away without a thought to cleaning it up (which is obviously how your fiance has raised them). 

I’d be happy to offer you lots of cooking tips and simple recipes, but IMO this isn’t your biggest problem at the moment. 

If your fiance wants you to stay home (which I don’t think is working out), do you get any say in the finances or are you basically a live in maid and nanny without a dime to your name? 

I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound as wonderful as you seem to think he is. You say you want to be a better person for him- is he trying to be better for you? 

Post # 81
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

kisses4levi :  Since the ex girlfriend is such an excellent homemaker and does everything, why don’t you get the job you would like and hire her to take care of your home. On second thought, can you give me her number? I’d like to hire her.

Post # 82
Member
2595 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Mental health issues are no joke. They can be crippling and debilitating and the last thing on your radar is being a homemaker! It actually sounds like you’re doing loads. I think you need to sit him down and explain your past. Tell him you’re trying your hardestbut you both need to cut you some slack. Pressure like that can trigger another depressive episode, FFS! This isn’t easy. 

I don’t care that he works and you don’t; that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t still pull his weight around the house. Naturally, you’ve got time to do more than him. But you’re his wife, not his slave.

Post # 83
Member
8815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

kisses4levi :  Are you really marrying this guy next month? This sounds like a disaster. His kids need a ride to school so YOU are the one who gives up a career and your life for that? Do schools not have busses where you live? Or, how did they get to school before you were in the picture? Is their mom around? Why is his kids’ ride to school your responsibility, to the point where you can’t even have a job? For 4 years my husband and I drove over 3 hours a day between our kids school and our jobs. We both work full time and it sucked but we worked out a plan to distribute the suckiness pretty evenly. Honestly, he would probably have preferred to be a Stay-At-Home Dad, but we were not willing to make the material sacrifices that would have required so we both bucked up and did what needed to be done. If you don’t want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, or even worse, working part time but still doing all the work of a Stay-At-Home Mom, then don’t. You don’t have to. This sounds like the beginning of a downward spiral if you ask me. Is this really the life you want? If not, put the brakes on and figure things out now because it will only be harder after the wedding.

Post # 84
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

OP, I want to give you some encouragement (I could not read all the pages of comments). Sounds like you have come a long way from doing nothing at your parents’ house to what you are doing now. Good work!  

Now, maybe you can move from cooking dinner 3 nights per week, to 5 nights per week, on the school/work nights. That would be a good gift for the husband-to-be and kids that are busy. Then on the weekend, maybe you go out one night, and the other night dh grills out or something. 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with finding out which things bother your future husband the most, and working to make those happen for him. That would be loving.  As long as you are free to choose to stay home right now, and to possibly choose to take on another job later, I think you’re good.

Post # 85
Member
10584 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

kisses4levi :  

You’re a square peg trying to jam yourself into a round hole.

This won’t work for you.  It’s terribly unhealthy to be in a relationship in which you have to turn yourself into someone else.  In your case, June Cleaver.

There’s a toxic trade off happening here—you swap out your mental health in exchange for this allegedly (he isn’t)  fabulous guy.

When I was doing online dating, I was abundantly clear in my profile:  I hate cooking and I won’t clean.  It’s who I am.  Take me or leave me.  (For the record, I had a wonderful cleaning lady).  You might be amazed at how many guys chased me anyway.  

Then there’s the most thankless job on the planet—stepmom.  I was stepmom to a couple of teenagers once upon a time. It’s hard, in many ways, much harder than little ones.

You claim your Fi is a great father—example please?  A father who sets no limits on his kids is a selfish, horrible father.

All the talk here about chores and schedules and how to get you to do more around the house-red herrings all.  None of that is a core issue here.

Do you want to marry a guy like this, give up your work, alter your entire persona, and take responsibility for other people’s

unruly children?

Discussions about who should vacuum and who should cook—rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

Post # 86
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘on ur progress. I can understand where u are coming from. When I got out from home the first time it was so difficult, I was in my teens but I understand that it would be difficult for u. U have come a long way and I know u will be better as I see that keenness in u. However, u are not his slave. Yes he works and u do the housework but housework is something that never ends and he cannot expect u to do everything. So give urself a break, u can’t do everything that he dreams.

Post # 87
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

I consider myself a feminist and would usually gasp in horror at this but if you’re unemployed, I am so sorry but the least you can do for him is to make sure he comes home to a hot plate of food and some clean clothes.

EDIT: I mean, if it was the other way around, bf doesnt work and I come home to a messy house, nothing has been done and I have to also cook my own dinner? I’m sorry but he’d be sent home to his mama coz I ain’t trying 2 be her.

Post # 89
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

sassy411 :  “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic” best analogy I’ve ever heard ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ

Post # 90
Member
2823 posts
Sugar bee

Do you WANT to be a stay at home wife? It sounds to me like you’re being pressured into that situation and that’s absolutely not fair. Personally I would way rather work and split the household chores, and you should get to have equal input for how you contribute to the relationship. 

If you do want to stay home, and improving your home/life care skills is something you’re genuinely interested in doing the best way to get motivated is to get structured. I worked from home for a while and i would not get anything done unless i made lists and had a routine. Things are much more satisfying when you get to tick off a box or gradually improve the efficiency of a routine. There are lots of blogs videos i think that could make it feel more interesting and project like. When you feel like it’s a skill you get to improve and get creative with it feels like less of a chore. 

 

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