(Closed) He thinks I’m hiding money!!!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
7288 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sounds kind of like you are typically walking on eggshells so to speak with your husband. Worrying about his mother and gossip family. I know he has never accused you of this particular thing in the past, but are there other things you are “guilty” of in his eyes?

Post # 18
2700 posts
Sugar bee

@yassim: the fact that you bring up him telling his family tells me he talks about your issues as a couple often. It may just be my opinion, but as a couple, I don’t think he needs to tell his family anything about your financial life together. It literally has nothing to do with them. Why would he tell them unless he was trying to get them to side with him? Maybe I am just being judgemental, but that sounds manipulative and unhealthy. I would discuss with him that as a married couple, you are a team, united. Your finances are between the two of you.

Post # 19
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Im sorry. This is odd, I hope everything turns out okay. 

@MrsCoachBtoBee: I agree with all of this that was said.

Post # 20
5092 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@yassim: Oh hon, I’m so sorry. I can’t tell you why. But his first instinct shouldn’t be to jump to the conclusion that you’re untrustworthy.  And I also think it’s bad news that his first impulse is to run and tell his family about any problems you guys have. That sort of thing should stay between the two of you.

I know this is a cliche, but I honestly believe that some couples counseling is in order. If he keeps behaving like this, it will put you in the position of constantly having to try to reassure him, which is an impossible place to be, since he refuses to be reassured. That in turn will make you watch every single thing you do and say to make sure he can’t find fault with anything.  If he’s never done this before, a few sessions with a good counselor could help nip it in the bud. Because if it goes on like this, it can destroy your confidence in yourself and your marriage. It can also establish a very unhealthy relationship dynamic in which you are always striving to please him, out of fear that anything you do “wrong” will trigger this kind of “punishment” from him.  And that would be a classic case of emotional abuse.

Finally, you need to stop reassuring him.  Tell him that you’ve told him straight up about the money; you’ve hidden nothing; and you haven’t done anything wrong. He can choose to believe your or not; but you’re not going to grovel and beg for forgiveness when you’ve done NOTHING wrong. 

Post # 22
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think a lot of men freak out whenever they join accounts with someone. Fiance is literally pale and sweating at the thought of that. He is really cautious and picky with his credit and money. Not to knock it – he really is great with that stuff.

Was he always really picky with money and always micro-managing it? He could be scared because now everything is combined.

Also, I have heard of women keeping a secret stash of money so that if they ever need to leave, they have the funds to do so. Did someone in his family have a secret stash and then up and leave one day? Because that could be why he is scared of you having a secret stash. Just a thought. Other than that, I have NO idea why he would act this way, unless he is up to something himself?

Post # 23
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh, hon, I would be devastated if my new husband accused me of something similar! I’m sorry if I missed this part: Did you flat out tell him he’s crazy? Did you discuss it at length with him? I mean, where are you both at now?

He should be your number one go to person even if he is the one acting irrational.

“WHY in the world would you think that? You just hurt me with that statement. Do you CARE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF??”

(That’s what I would say)

Post # 24
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He’s not on here.  So we don’t know what you or other people have done before that makes him suspicious. But I do know there is no reason you don’t already have a joint account other than you don’t.  Get down there and make a joint account and move the money into it.  (If the money was mostly from his family, I can see them freaking out over him not knowing where it was.)

Post # 25
6 posts
  • Wedding: September 2011

Big giant RED FLAG for possible controlling/abusive behavior!  or prehaps HE is the one hiding money from you and is projecting his guilt on you? 

You two need to sit down and talk about how finances are going to be arranged and if that doesn’t work get some help from a counselor before things get out of hand.

  Projecting his insecurities on you isn’t the start of a good relationship but hopefully it’s something that can be worked on.  Good luck!

Post # 26
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I may have the unpopular opinion here but I think it’s a long jump from one overly paranoid comment to financial/domestic abuse. It’s safe to be aware of this becoming a common behavior, but you seem pretty shocked by this comment so it sounds out of character. It just sounds like the situation really freaked him out and he’s being oversensitive. For whatever reason it struck a cord in him and he made a ridiculous accusation. So tell him how/why it hurt you to hear that, and let him know how important it is to you that you trust each other with money. But also give him a good opportunity to explain why your actions scared him. He should apologize for being accusatory and you should reassure him that he can trust you. One day you’re gonna find yourself overly sensitive or suspicious about something innocent and hopefully he’ll reassure you and help you trust him rather than call your concern a “red flag”.

Maybe you guys would benefit from a course on finances for married couples. We only had a little education on the topic during our pre-cana but we learned that you should be totally honest with each other about how much money you have and what you spend it on. We also learned that finances is one of the biggest contributors to divorce, that’s just how important it is.

He was wayyyy oversensitive and needs to apologize for not trusting you, you didn’t do anything wrong. If he is gossiping about you to your SIL and Mother-In-Law it seems like you have another problem, you shouldn’t be in check for fear that he’ll tell people lies about you behind your back… How can you be completely yourself around him if there’s always a fear that every mistake you make will be broadcasted to his whole family?? No one is perfect, and marriage is hard, you will both make mistakes. He needs to leave his family out of it.

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