He told me I'm gonna wait a very long time

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Hostess
9132 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

4.5 years together and no further forward…. ugh, boy, bye!

Post # 32
Member
2225 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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michellelynn9175 :  It doesn’t matter that your proposal was 15 years ago. A lot of us today don’t understand either! My husband proposed at 10 months, and I never had to beg or nag. I absolutely don’t get it. If you want to marry someone, you want to marry them. It truly is that simple. For men that don’t want to get married, that’s fine – as long as they’re upfront about it and actively seek a partner that also doesn’t want marriage. And if someone doesn’t want kids, that’s fine – as long as they’re upfront about it and actively seek a partner that also doesn’t kids.

The problem we frequently see comes from women who want marriage, that refuse to leave men who don’t. That is a huge compatibility issue.  I honestly attribute the trend to the huge emphasis and pressure that is placed on women by society to not be single, and the issues with self-esteem a lot of us have, also stemming from society’s views, that makes us more likely to settle for crap. 

Post # 34
Member
3970 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

Yes he means it. If you want to get married, you’re going to have to find another guy. Sorry bee! 

Post # 35
Member
11338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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Ashleigh4 :  

Whether your bf “means” what he said, exactly as he said it, is not the core issue here. What’s concerning is that there is no possible positive interpretation.

If he means you’re going to be waiting a long time in its most literal sense, he’s telling you he does not intend to marry you any time soon.

If, instead, he hurled that line at you with the intent to hurt or manipulate you, that’s a clear warning that you have a much more serious problem than a foot dragger.

And, always be wary of guys who bring up marriage or serious commitment very early on. There are exceptions, of course. But, too often these guys are either manipulators or picture painters.

The best way to clarify what someone’s words mean?  Ask them.

Post # 36
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee

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anabee323 :  If I’m judgmental, so be it. Of course I’m geralizing: I’m generalizing based on limited information provided in OP’s post; If OP’s SO posted his side of the story, my opinion may change. 

Post # 37
Member
43 posts
Newbee

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TwilightRarity :  can you link this twitter discussion youre mentioning? I would be interested in reading it. Thank you!

Post # 40
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Wow. That was really rude and disrepectful of your boyfriend. He’s acting like marriage is a gift he might bestow upon you if you’re a good girl and the lack of it is your punishment. Yeah, don’t do me any favors. I would speak to him and let him know clearly that marriage is not his gift to you, but a mutual decision you make about your future. Then state your timeline and ask him his. If his answer is “a really long time,” I would tell him that you are obviously not on the same page and that you will need to reassess your relationship. Damn.

Post # 41
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

And I don’t necessarily think that a woman needs to be engaged within 4 or 10 months as some of these other Bee’s were. That’s fine for some people, but it definitely would not have worked in my relationship. My boyfriend and I were not even facebook friends until we had been dating for 5 months, much less talking marriage. We were engaged after 5 years and we were in our 40’s when we got married a year later. However, at no point did I feel I was “waiting” for him to make up his mind or felt anxiety about whether he wanted to marry me. Marriage wasn’t important to my husband at all. His last relationship was 11 years without marriage. Marriage and long term committment were not synonomous to him and he would have happily made a long term committment to me without marriage. However, he wasn’t against marriage, just pretty indifferent. When I said marriage was important to me, he made plans to propose. I love really getting to know a person before jumping into a lifelong committment. I’m not in a hurry, and 5 years was perfect. However, you have to be on the same page, otherwise it’s not going to work and someone is going to get hurt.

Post # 42
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“And, always be wary of guys who bring up marriage or serious commitment very early on. There are exceptions, of course. But, too often these guys are either manipulators or picture painters.”

I agree. We hear this over and over again on the Bee. “He talked about marriage within a few weeks and starting naming our kids. Now he says I’m pressuring him.” My anecdotel conclusion is that some guys will do this to lock-in a woman and assure her committment. Then he will feel free to take his time deciding whether he really want to be with her.

Post # 43
Member
43 posts
Newbee

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mimivac :  When I was single, I went on 2 dates with a guy who brought up marriage and our kids names by the 2nd. Needless to say, that freaked me out. I am so glad he showed he was insane early on at least! I didn’t have to waste any more time on that. Such a red flag!!

 

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