(Closed) He told me to pick out the ring I want, but now I don’t want to?!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Maybe you could look around online and give him pictures/links of what you like. Then he can take those to his uncle or look around elsewhere for something similar. Do you think that would help?

Post # 4
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I wanted it to be mostly a surprise, but one day we wandered past a jewelery store, and Darling Husband suggested going in.  We kind of looked around a bit, and I tried a few on, and pointed out what I wasn’t really into, and he chose from there.  Maybe he’d be open to going with you? 

I agree about not getting his family involved until he’s sure.  We’re in kind of a similar position where we’re talking about buying a new house, and would like to just casually look, but my family is full of realtors.  We just don’t want to get somebody all worked up about something that may just be browsing at this point.

I wouldn’t be into just going and picking one out myself and giving him a style number or something… it just feels impersonal.

Post # 5
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

A couple of things…

Many, if not most, engagements are not a surprise… telling him to give you “whatever” just gives him waaayyyyy too many choices and that’s probably why he shut down. 

I think you’re right about the possibility that he was mad. He basically said, “here, I want to give you exactly what you want! Yay!” and then you were upset. Have you asked him if his feelings were hurt? 

I wonder if you aren’t thinking about this a little bit too much. Girls go to jewelry stores alone or with friends all the time. So that’s not a big deal. Personally, I went with my best friend to look after she was engaged — and I was single! And you know what, it was really fun for both of us. I went again by myself when Mr. Oyster and I were dating, and he randomly asked my ring size. I also looked at pictures online. 

Also, it’s quite common for men to think about proposing as the holidays approach. There will be commercials and ads EVERYWHERE and I can’t imagine that your man (with his new big television) would not see this hint. To take advantage of any sales, etc., you should probably go now as opposed to waiting for January. 

After you’ve gone to different stores and picked out what you want, then you can go again with him. Then he can start preparing to buy it for you. 

Go, have fun! Pick out your ring! Go to mall stores, go to Cartier. Go be surrounded by diamonds, enjoy the process and be thrilled that your boyfriend is basically giving you exactly what you want (a proposal on your time frame). 🙂 Congratulations! 🙂

Post # 6
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i agree with oyster that most engagements are not a surprise. while in the end my Fiance picked out the ring on his own and “surprised” me by popping the question on a day i wasn’t expecting it, i knew it was coming that week, plus i went ring shopping with him once to get an idea of a style we both liked. before that, i honestly had no idea what i would like in an engagement ring because i had never had one on my finger. i didn’t think it was fair to expect him to figure out what i loved when i didn’t have a clue myself. i tried on a bunch of rings with him and he literally took notes on what i liked and didn’t like, plus i had my finger sized so he could order in the correct size. then the ball was in his court….but to be honest he was so excited the day he ordered the ring that he acted weird for HOURS and then finally turned to me and said “i know i’m going to regret saying this but i ordered your ring today and i’m just so excited i can’t keep it to myself.” yeah, we suck at keeping secrets. but in the end it didn’t take away at all from the proposal or the whole getting engaged experience. plus, he totally went above and beyond with the ring and actually modeled the ring after a ring i showed him on weddingbee, after i said something like “that’s even prettier than the rings we saw together.” and i LOVE it.

i would encourage him to come with you while browsing for rings, but if he doesn’t want to then bring a friend….i went with a friend once when her bf sent her to scout out ring styles she liked. we just explained the situation to the salesman and he was very nice.

Post # 7
1108 posts
Bumble bee

Boyfriend or Best Friend semi-did the same thing to me.  He wants me to show him the ring I want.  While I like that I can say “oh hey, this one is AWESOME”, I don’t like that I know which one he is getting.  I mean, I don’t know, because he hasn’t gotten it, and I’ve only shown it to him once, but for some reason I feel like there should be some surprise to it.

So, he’s told me to show him the one I want/like, and of course, I haven’t, because I don’t want to.  Ah well.  

Post # 8
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012


First, congrats!  I am in the SAME boat, but we already have the ring.  I even know what day-ish it’s happening.  Is that frustrating – sure!  I mock complain about it to him all the time because he brings it up EVERY DAY.  But he’s just excited, and now that I know what he would have picked out, I’m SO glad I helped.

I just wanted to give a few pointers.  Originally, I wanted a round solitaire.  Then I looked at them online, found good diamonds on Blue Nile… but when I went to see them in PERSON, hell no.  I have raccoon paw hands and short fingers, so when I saw that hot mess on me I immediately wanted to go up a carat size to compensate.  I am SO jealous of you girls with little fingers!

So then the hunt began, and I went to stores for months and months and months.  Finally, I didn’t even want to go anymore.  I was so fed up that I had a mini meltdown in front of my Future Mother-In-Law and felt like an ass.  She referred us to a wholesaler, and the rest is beautiful pear-cut history.

I definitely don’t think it’s a negative to be a part of the decision.  And frankly, the surprise is “ruined” anyways because you know it’s coming!  But is it really ruined? 

I’ll let you know around December 21st-ish how I felt about my proposal, knowing the ring, seeing him purchase the finished product, looking at it on my finger and putting it back in the box.   But I suspect it will be perfect, because in the end, I always knew we would get married anyways.  🙂


Post # 9
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I picked mine out without Fiance. I drug him back to the store and I didn’t demand he get that particular ring, but since it was a lot cheaper and prettier than others we had looked at, it was kind of a no-brainer :).

It’s completely fine to go to a jewelry store by yourself! Most of them have ‘wishlists’ where they can write down your size and what rings you liked most and then they can give that list to your Fiance when he goes in.

If you really want Fiance to pick it out on his own, grab a jewelry catalog and tell him what you like/dislike about certain rings to give him some suggestions. He might just be overwhelmed and afraid of picking out the ‘wrong’ ring. Good luck!

Post # 10
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I picked out my ring. We went ring shopping a few times FH quickly got sick of it so I did a lot of ring shopping online & with friends. After 6 months of shopping I found the one I liked!

Post # 11
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your bf sounds like my Fiance. It took him EIGHT MONTHS to research and pick a vacuum.

Anyway, he asked me to let him know what I liked. So I just e-mailed him pictures of ring designs I liked to give him an idea, but he picked the actual ring himself.

I went to Tiffany’s once with a girlfriend about 2 years before we got engaged and felt SO silly trying on rings that I just wanted to get out of there.

As for the proposal being a surprise, mine really wasn’t (FI accidentally left the empty ring box on the bed the night he was proposing) but the proposal was still absolutely perfect and I am marrying the man of my dreams.

Is there a girlfriend you could go try rings on with? So both of you could be trying them on? He probably wants your input because this is something you will be wearing for the rest of your life. The last thing he wants is to get you something that you don’t like. Look at it that way, and it’s a much sweeter proposition. He wants to make sure you are happy.

Or just search online and send him pictures of what you like the styling of. That way he can take those pictures to his uncle as ideas.

As for knowing when he’s proposing. I don’t think that’s really a big deal. You still don’t know exactly what the moment will be like and it will still be special.

Post # 12
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Also, I looked at rings for 2 years before my proposal. Including looking at loose diamonds WITH Fiance in January of this year (he didn’t actually propose until Sept of this  year).

So be happy you have a time line and it’s fast approaching.

Post # 13
375 posts
Helper bee

At first I felt silly and stupid trying on rings on my own. But I think it’s very common and you should DEFINITELY pick out rings you like. Tell the jeweler that your getting engaged and that you want to tell your bf about rings you like.

Definitely try on rings (if the ring matters to you). I loved halo before I tried it on, but hated the way it looked on my finger.

Post # 14
1559 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My Fiance told me to go out with a friend! He was like “You need to go out with Miss Lady so i will know what you like”

Then, because she and I only got a chance to go to the local stores in the mall, Fiance said that we would go down to Indy (the biggest city near us) and look at rings together. 

So, one day he surprises me by taking me to one of my favorite restaurants down there, and then we went to go look at rings! It was a lot of fun, but there was certainly no “you are definitely getting this ring within X number of days”. This was a “Just to see what you like” kind of trip. 

So, then after the trip, talk of engagement ceased. For 6 months I waited with no indication of a proposal at all. I waited. I worried. I agonized. 

Then, out of the blue, on a day I completely didn’t expect, he proposed. It was sweet and wonderful, and the ring was the exact one that had been my favorite in the store. 

He had put it on a layaway plan, and he had 6 months to pay it off. Hence my 6 months of waiting. 

In the end, it worked out great, and I “knew” but I didn’t know. 

I think that you need to talk to your Boyfriend or Best Friend. He has, at this point, told you he is going to propose, and told you that he wants you to pick out a ring. Tell him that you would feel more comfortable if he goes with you to pick it out. (Clearly you don’t want to go alone, but you don’t want to go with someone so he won’t find out? He TOLD you to go!) It’s a good experience to go together, imo.  

Post # 15
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

When talks of engagement came up, I just gave mine basic guidelines…. solitaire, princess or round, not a yellow-gold band, my ring size.  I think he enjoyed picking the details, such as the setting.  Plus, I LOVED that I was surprised by my ring.

Post # 16
1927 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Are we dating brothers or something?? My man is also soooo slow with everything.  SO asked me to look at rings and pick out a few that I like, I didn’t really want to do this because I wanted to be surprised, but he told me he literally has no idea what kind of ring to get. So we looked at a few and I ended up falling in love with one but I still showed him a few that I like and I would be happy with.

I recomment either going online or going to a jewelry store and picking put a few rings that you like so he isn’t so lost in a sea of rings and you still get a surprise.

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