Post # 1
Tonight my fiance and I got in a fight. We’ve been together almost 6 years so it’s not the first time, but tonight he got really extra nasty and I’m kinda stunned.
It started over small things when I got home from work tonight and then next thing I know he’s yelling at me about all sorts of things. I went in the bedroom and locked the door just to remove myself from the situation. He, of course, had to try to follow me after I said enough. When he realized the door was locked he banged on it and screamed “oh you cunt” through the door. I was shocked. I could hear him still yelling in the living room and calling me the “biggest bitch”. I came out a few minutes later and again he called me an “ungrateful bitch”. Then he made some comments about my weight. As I was going back into the bedroom he was in the living room yelling “fuck you”.
We’ve had fights about more serious things before and he has cursed at me but he’s never called me the big C or made comments about my body or weight. I feel like he’s taking out his insecurities on me. Now he has gone to bed and hasn’t said a word to me. He’s not sorry. I know if I do get an apology there will probably be a “but” in it. “Sorry I said/called you ____ BUT you…”.
I really don’t know how to handle this. We moved across the country from the East Coast to the West so I don’t really have any friends/family to stay with here and so I can’t spend a night or two away. I can’t even call anyone back home since they’re all asleep. I’ve never dealt with anything to this degree so when we finally talk again I’m not sure how to respond.
At this point I don’t think I even want to hear some half assed attempt at an apology (whenever it finally does come). Where do we go from here?
Advice please. 🙁
Post # 3
I think the biggest thing is to wait until he calms down and sternly but not overly emotionally assert that that was not not ok. You have the right not to be talked to like that. But do not allow it to become another argument. You can simply say I know we were upset and fighting, but the words you said to me really hurt me. I don’t know if you were trying to hurt me but don’t talk to me like that. Even when we argue we have to respect each other. Honestly he probably said all those things because once you walked away he had no one left to argue with and realized that he lost and so he went below the belt to make himself feel like he won… but in the end it was a lose. You will be ok but wait till things calm down to say anything.
Post # 4
Is this level of nastiness “normal” for your fights? Has it been gradually escalating from barely any swearing to calling you a cunt and a bitch?
To be honest, I don’t think anyone deserves that kind of abuse, and there is no excuse for anyone to call anyone those things without an instant (and sincere) apology. I get into fights with my fiance, but the closest we’ll come to insults is usually something like “You’re pissing me off right now!” or “You’re impossible to talk to!” Give or take a few swear words. For him to follow you to another room and verbally abuse you when you’re trying to remove yourself from the situation is, in my opinion, unforgiveable. If it were me, I’d try looking into cheap hotels for the night, or possibly even staying out somewhere in my car. But that’s because I cannot stand being anywhere near people like that.
Post # 5
@justagirlxo88: this is abuse, plain and simple. Be thankful that you know he is capable of this and make a plan to leave. Unless he goes through so extensive therapy he will not change & will only get worse. He is a nasty person who is not able to treat you the way you deserve. Even if he does apologize- you’re right to know it will not be sincere.
My ex-FI called me a cunt, told me I was fat, told me I could only find lower class friends (???) bc I had low self esteem, etc. it was absurd. It didn’t happen often but after the second time I knew I would never marry him. I stayed for about a year and really hate that year of my life.
Post # 6
Oh wow. I’m sorry you are going through this…what an awful thing to be called. This would be a deal breaker for me personally. You deserve respect and for him to call you such vile names and make comments about your weight…gosh what a pathetic excuse of a “man”. Don’t allow him to get away with this. You need to put your foot down and if he continues to behave this way, find a man who is going to respect you as a woman. Hang in there.
Post # 7
I would have said leave, but it didn’t seem like leaving is what you want to do. I have a friend that goes through this with her boyfriend and I realized she wasn’t going to leave so I started saying stand up for yourself and it seems to have helped her.
Post # 8
Is “name callling” the norm for you guys when you fight? I know with Fiance, we never name-call during fights and once I called him an asshole and he was really upset because even thought he knew I didn’t mean it, I took the fight to “another level”.
If it were me, I’d tell him to pack his shit and leave. However, if you haven’t already discussed with him how devastating it is to your relationship when you speak out of anger when fighting and/or call names, I would have a very VERY stern chat with him about how this will not be tolerated any further and if he does it again, you’re gone.
Post # 9
Fights with my ex escalated to screaming occasionally. I kicked him out. You don’t deserve this!
Post # 10
Can you go stay at a hotel until he calms down and realises what he’s done? I am very concerned at the level of escalation. Have you ever agreed to fight fair? My SO and I have an agreement that no matter how angry we get, we don’t ever call each other names. We both know, unequivocally, that it’s unacceptable.
If this is the first time it’s happened, I’d be inclined to give him a second chance as long as he’s genuinely sorry that it happened in the first place. If that’s the case, I’d sit him down and clearly outline what is and isn’t appropriate in a fight, and have him agree to fight fair in future.
But if he ever crosses that line a second time, or if he doesn’t think what he did is a big deal, then it’s time for him (or you, if he refuses) to leave.
Post # 11
I know that a lot of people don’t agree with me, but personally I feel like the big “C” is no worse than being called any other name, or being yelled at in any way.
When someone starts calling you names of any kind, when they start degrading you in any way, the purpose is to HURT you. It is to push your buttons. Does it really matter HOW they are trying to HURT you, or what they are saying to HURT you? Notice the word I used many times. “hurt”. I do not think that all men who have bad tempers and yell will become more abusive necessarily, but verbal abuse is a very real thing, and when fights only resort to name calling and degrading it is indeed a form of abuse. It is up to you to decide whether you want to live the rest of your life that way. It is a hard thing to make a decision to leave someone you love, but you should never “want” to hurt the people you love. Which is what that kind of excessive yelling/comments about you is about.
Post # 12
I hope he “went to bed” on the couch! I wouldn’t have let him in a bed he’s supposed to share with me.
Honestly, I am the type who would likely just say to leave, but if you really don’t want to do that, then you need to set some ground rules for your arguments, and tell him that if he crosses those boundaries, again, that you will leave, and be ready to leave. Because if he does it again, he needs a real repercussion, and if he does it again, he won’t stop doing it, ever, and it might get worse, though I don’t know how it could, short of physical violence, and that’s not something you should stick around for.
Post # 13
That would be a dealbreaker for me, but I could understand if you wanted to give him another chance. If you decide to do that, I think you should have a calm conversation in which you outline which parts of his behavior were unacceptable (the C word, cruelty about your weight) and make it clear that those things were NEVER to happen again. If he ever repeated that stuff, it would be a sign that he could not control himself when angry, and a man who can’t control himself when he’s mad is a man who needs help and shouldn’t be in a relationship.
(If he didn’t apologize genuinely, that would be another dealbreaker for me, honestly.)
Post # 14
Sometimes my Fiance goes off the deep end like this. It is usually when theres something else bothering him.
But to be honest here, I do it too. No its not right, but sometimes our emotions get the better of us and we do say things we dont mean.
I also agree, the big “C” word is no worse than bitch, or stupid, or fat or any other derogatory name.
If he doesnt say things like that normally, I am willing to be that there may be something else going on thats bothering him. Wait until he calms down and talk about it.
Post # 15
Based on what you wrote here, without knowing any more details, it sounds like you shomove leave him. I personally would not want to live in that kind of environment.
Post # 16
I am so sorry that you are going through this kind of abuse. I just want you to set your own limits “just how much of his shit you are going to take before it is enough”. I say that because each time he says hurtful and disrespectful things it slowly tears down your self-esteem. You are the most important person to yourself and you set the tone for how others treat you.
Maya Angelou has a saying “when someone shows you who they are believe them”.