(Closed) He used to want kids, but now doesnt and is unsure if he ever will (long…)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Do you think this situation can be worked out relationship intact? Please comment also!
    Yes : (17 votes)
    17 %
    No : (60 votes)
    59 %
    Maybe, depends on? Explain below : (25 votes)
    25 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3772 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    You really need to be on the same page with the kids. If not you will resent it later on. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    3969 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I would talk to him, and get to the root of it. Does he not want kids EVER? Or just not until you both have the means to afford and look after them? BEcause yes, my SO would be freaking out (as would I) if I found out I was pregnant while taking the pill perfectly, but I know he would not leave me. We would make the best decision based on the time, and he said he would support me regardless of the choice. Would it be hard? Yes. Terrifying? Yes. But I know he’d be there for me. He DOES wnat kids one day, but if it happened earlier than planned, that’s not a reason to end a marriage. Just my 2 cents, but I think you should know if kids are definitely in his vision of the future in any way shape or form before getting engaged/married. There is a difference between fear of the unknown and the change it would make in your lives and just not wanting children.

    Post # 5
    Member
    131 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2016

    “and that everything else he used to think was good has now changed, so the once good idea of having a family one day must also be a bad idea”

    What does that mean exactly?  Do you think he might be depressed?

    These do sound like sort of normal fears about having kids to me, I think you need to have more conversations to figure out if he is just voicing anxiety or seriously doesn’t want to have kids.  I think especially because you are both young, it may be growing up a little he’s getting a better sense of what a big sacrifice it can be to have kids.  

    Post # 6
    Member
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    It sounds like their are several issues here beyond just the kids thing. 

    -A timeline is important to you and SO refuses to give you one.

    -You said you are scared of what comes after marraige.

    -He might leave, or might not since he doesn’t know, if you were to accidentally get pregnant.

    -SO tries to smooth over issues with sex.

    -SO has changed his mind about children sometime in the past couple of years and did not ever express this to you until now.

    Obviously I don’t know you and know very little about your life but that’s what I gathered from this thread. I think a serious honest conversation is a must at this point.

    Post # 7
    Member
    807 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Does he never want kids or does he just not want them right now? The problem is that having kids is not something you can compromise on–there’s no middle ground if you want kids and he flat out does not under any circumstances. 

    Equally concerning is the fact that he “doesn’t know what he would do” if you accidentally got pregnant. My SO and I are absolutely not wanting to have kids right now but he has made it clear to me that if I did get pregnant, he would 100% be there for me and our child. 

    It sucks to be dealing with this right now but it really is something that you two need to figure out before you get engaged, because it will have a big impact on what your long-term looks like.

    Post # 8
    Member
    4432 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    No one can tell you or give you the answer but him…you need to have a SERIOUS talk with him…and it seems like you haven’t done that yet.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3969 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    That’s something that’s up to you. How important are children to you? If you find out in 5 years he does not want children and that is a deal breaker, will you feel as though you “wasted” time? If you can answer those questions, you’ll have your answers.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3772 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    with something along the lines of ‘i think i may want them, but i cant be 100% until we are there”

    You need to know 100% where he stands on this BEFORE you get married. Because in all fairness when you do get to that point, and you’re married and you’re discussing children he could say “No I don’t want them” and he would be okay with that because he NEVER said he was okay with children. You either want them or you don’t. If he does say this.. you need to set yourself a personal deadline that he needs to decide by. Because by the time he does say his opinion it may be too late. 

    EDIT: this is if you are 100% certain you want children. If you’re not sure then it’s not as big of a deal 

    Post # 12
    Member
    3969 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @Woodstock:  Exactly. Do not get engaged until there is a 100% certainty on this. And if he cannot be certain within your personal timeframe, then In My Humble Opinion you should move on if he cannot give you what you want in life.

    Post # 14
    Member
    131 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2016

    @6yearsncounting:  It definitely sounds like those experiences could be coloring his viewpoint.  And that’s a separate but related thing to work through, if he is feeling down on himself and his prospects.  I think from what you’ve said, it’s not a good time to get engaged before you start working through some of these things.  I think you guys just need to keep the lines of communications open about all this stuff and about how you envision your futures unfolding together.  I don’t think you need to decide right now about what you would do if he says this vs. that because there is a lot to process in the interim.  

    Post # 15
    Member
    3969 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    It’s not giving up. It’s choosing the life you want. You talk to him about the future, that you realize engagement has been in the works, and you are very excited about that. However, your recent conversation regarding children has you unsettled, and you’d just like to talk about how you each see the next 10 years of your individual lives. You could say, I see myself being married, having 2 children by age X, etc, working/not working, and then be like, how do you see your life? And if he doesn’t have those similar visions, you can’t make him have those visions. You’re not giving up on a relationship. You’re choosing not to put your wants and needs on the backburner for life.

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