(Closed) He wants 5 kids… I'm shocked!! Pros and cons?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
2426 posts
Buzzing bee

@Kimberley25:  That’s not the first time I’ve heard that.

Post # 33
Member
6583 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have 2- and that is enough!

Post # 34
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@kfiorita:  If I could afford it I would LOVE a big family.  We are both only children so I have always dreamed of having our kids growing up with eachother and always having that friend there and big family christmas’s!! Yes! He….well he wants like 2.  :/  I told him fine, 3 it is. 

Post # 35
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My mom has four younger brothers and I am the youngest with four older brothers and we both LOVE coming from a big family.  Me and my sibs were born within a 10 year span.

Cons:

– It’s going to be loud and crazy. It’s great the kids have playmates, but they are going to fight. This gets loud and i imagine very annoying. 

– It’s going to be expensive. Obviously these kids are going to eat a lot, especailly if you have lots of boys who play sports. You can’t really send one kid to summer camp or college, you need to plan to give them equal advantages if possible. This may mean less for each kid, or one parent may work very hard to provide the extra funds and that means less family time for that parent. 

– It’s emotionally exhausting for the parents. For a very, very long time. Just when you get one safely into adulthood or off to college, you realize there are four more and some may just be entering puberty… its a long ride. Lots of kids also means less time for you as a couple.

-Pregnancy for a long time. You will be pregnant for a long time. I haven’t had any kids yet, but from what I hear pregnancy can be difficult at best. It’s also rough on your body.

Pros:

– Kids are very well adjusted because they need to learn to share, always have a playmate, learn they are not the center of hte universe, ect.

– It’s amazing to see how everyone is simliar and different and how some are more like mom and some more like Dad. Parents probably appreciate this way before the kids do, but now that I’m older I love this aspect. It allows different types of bonds to form between the siblings and between each kid and each parent. You really see the miracle of life that comes from mixing two people’s genes five times.

– When you grow up the duties of caring for siblings in need and older parents is shared, financially and emotionally this is very helpful.

– Emotional stability – even if all sibs are not very close, you know they have your back. Growing up in a big family creates a very strong family tie. You have a sense of belonging to something bigger than yourself.

– Best friends for life. We may have fought a lot growing up, but now they are my best friends. 

– Fun. It’s just frickin’ fun. There’s chaos, but its kind of a good chaos.

 

I would totally go for it if I had all the money in the world and lots of help raising them.

 

 

Post # 36
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My DH surprised me too in this respect – he said he wanted 4! I said we would wait and see because I was very ill (hg) during pregnancy with our first but literally as soon as she was born I was like omg let’s have 10! So we’ve agreed firmly on 4. The only cons I see are car space (like you couldn’t just take a cab) and college funds. For daycare, even at 3 kids it’s cheaper to have a nanny. 

Post # 37
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MRSsrm85:  Yeah, I thought maybe if I gave it some time, the fear would go away, but it never did.  He got a vasectomy when our daughter was 7.

Post # 39
Member
957 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@kfiorita:  Yeah I also think this might change after you have one or two! My DH and I used to say we wanted a big family, but there were a few nights in those early weeks of new parenthood that we thought one might be enough, hah! Now that we’re out of the phase, we definitely want another, but I think 2 is the right number for us.

Pros to a big family:

– always someone to do something with, which is fun!

– well adjusted kids who don’t think they’re the center of the universe (I’m not saying only children think this! I’m an only child and I’ve never been like this, but in a big family a child is used to sharing toys/parent’s time early on)

– older siblings can help with younger siblings

Cons:

– FINANCIAL. This is one of the big reasons we are only having 2. We know with two kids we would have more than enough money for them to be in activities, go to summer camps, put away for their colleges, etc. I don’t know if it’d be a sure thing with any more.

– Stress. My goodness, children are hard work. My daughter is only 4 months, so I don’t know this from experience, but I hear it just gets harder. That’s most likely 24+ years of “hard” before all the kids are out of the house if you have 5 kids 2 years apart.

– You’d spend almost 4 years of your life pregnant.

– I’d imagine it would be hard to have any husband/wife time. Getting away from 1 child is hard enough, I can’t imagine 5.

 

Post # 40
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Five is way way too many for me personally. I am an only child my mother is an only child, and only want one child. Daycare is extremely expensive where I live, over $1000 a month and more than one in day care is just not an option. DH is also older, 41 so in order to have another child once the one I’m pregnant with is out of daycare he would be 46 or older by the time the second one came.

Even before I got married and realized the cost of daycare I was dead set on only one child. I liked the way I grew up and honestly don’t think I have the energy or whatever it is that’s requires to raise more than one.

Post # 41
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Lol, good chance that either one or both of you will have a change of heart once the reality of having babies / kids comes to fruition.

As someone who’s been down this road (Mom of Adults) let me say that Kids are a LOT OF WORK… more so than you’ll ever imagine

And MONEY…

More so if you live in the USA… where there are fewer social programs in place to aid Working Parents / the Middle Class etc.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cost_of_raising_a_child#United_States

CNN reported it is now approx $ 241 K to raise a kid to the age of 18 (so BEFORE College / Uni costs)

http://money.cnn.com/2013/08/14/pf/cost-children/

Which is why statistically most families nowadays have just 1 or 2.  Even having 3 is a rarity.

I’d say it is enough to know at this point in time that you are both on the same page and want to have children.

Working out the whens and how many etc… can come in time as you move thru that phase in your life.

 

Post # 42
Member
7974 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i’d like 4, DH wants 1-2.  but i’m too old to be trying for 4 unless i get twins or triplets.

 so we are going to start with 2 and we’ll see if we can afford 3.

 

Post # 43
Member
4025 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Five has always been my dream, but I tell my SO all the time I’ll settle with four. We are both from a family of four and it is all we know. Coming from a big family was definitely hard, money was always tight, but now that we are all grown, I can definitely see the benefits of it! I definitely want a big family. There has always just been something unappealing about the one boy and one girl families that surrounded me. 

My SO kind of makes a face when I mention five and says that he would rather four, but we’ll see.

Post # 44
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Not to sound selfish here, but I need time for myself, career and my love life. I do not want to spend all my time thinking about the kids. Another reason is that I want each of my child get enough care and attention they deserve. So, my DH and I agree on 1-2 kids. 

Post # 45
Member
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I would make sure that before you marry, you discuss what happens if you only want 1-2 kids. Marriages often break up because of disagreements re: children.

4-5 kids is a LOT. And expensive. It really changes the family dynamic. It’s possible he will change his mind, but this would scare the crap out of me so I’d make sure that you’re on a similar page re: kids.

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