He wants a family, without a ring. – 4 years

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

It’s a trap!!

Seriously though, put your foot down about this.  No marriage = no kids.  If he doesn’t agree to those terms then you’ll know for sure you dodged a bullet.

His original excuse was money..he does realize a wedding costs 1 day and a kid costs 18 years, right?  His excuse then changed to “what’s the point?”  How romantic.  Not a guy I’d want to marry.

Post # 3
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

It’s perfectly reasonable for you to want the security of marriage for you and your future kids BEFORE having kids. Don’t budge on this, bee. Draw your line in the sand and stick to it.

Post # 4
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

We started TTC before marrige (neither in any rush and we figured it could take a while due to our ages), but I was firm that I wanted to be married before the baby came.  Insurance, hospital visitation, what happens if one of you dies, etc etc etc.  You could write that all out in a will…. or you could just make it easy and get married.  If you care enough about each other to own a house and have a child, it’s ridiculous not to get married when one person really wants it.

Don’t budge on this, it’s important for a reason!  It’s not stupid of you to want that.

Post # 5
Member
2824 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

binks :  No marriage,  no kids. period. Don’t set yourself up to be a single mother/baby mamma. You’d be setting that example for any children you brought into it as well! You need to let go of your fantasy/ dream of a “proposal” from him. Ask him to go to the courthouse with you, if he won’t, then you may have to move on. 

Post # 7
Member
3038 posts
Sugar bee

binks :  What about going to the court house is that an option? 

It may not be what you envisioned, but bringing up that idea and seeing how he reacts to it should be a good indication if this is about money or something more. 

I agree with kids that it is so much easier in terms of hospital visits and insurance etc. God forbid a decision has to be made in that delivery room – if you are married, he can make it. If not, well it could make things a lot more complicated and would most likely default to your next of kin. 

 

Post # 9
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee

Not everyone has to get married or want to get married, but I see a lot of red flags with this guy that make me think he will never get married to you, kids or not. A massive red flag is his inconsistencies in regards to marriage. From what you’ve said initially he agreed to get married, then when shit started getting real (I.e numbers, budgets etc.) he says you can’t afford it and he won’t even commit to being engaged until you have more money (but is happy to make a baby? Which costs a lot more), then when you show him weddings can be very cheap he says actually he doesn’t think marriage is important and you’re committed enough already.

So which one is it? Does he want to get married? Is it too expensive? Or does he not care about marriage because it’s not important to him? Sounds to me like these are all excuses designed to try to put you off marriage and have his kid instead.

If marriage is important to you do not get pregnant with this guy, because I can guarantee he does not want to marry you and will string you along or point blank say he doesn’t want to get married after you’ve had his kids, and then you’re stuck.

If I was you I would be firm and state no marriage no kids, he can either accept that or leave. Don’t have kids with him expecting a wedding afterwards because you’re probably going to be massively disappointed and end up feeling resentful that you compromised your values for a broken promise and a ton of excuses.

If you don’t believe me just check out the hundreds of other threads in the waiting board from women who were promised marriage had kids and then it never happened. 

Post # 10
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Tell him that if you can’t afford a small registry office wedding, you cannot afford a child right now. Do not give in to him!

Post # 11
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

The “whats the point” arguments don’t make any sense. If my fiance really wants x and I don’t see the point of x, then we do x. I would have to really be opposed to something to stop him from doing something he wants. If I just don’t care either way, then we do it. If your SO really just does not care one way or the other about marriage, then he would marry you if that’s what you wanted. So he is lying. 

There are these guys who have figured out that they can get themselves a free surrogate. They want a kid, but they don’t want the woman, so they talk some bullshit, out comes the kid, and they discard the woman. If he wanted you he would marry you. 

Post # 12
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

binks : His reasons are bullcrap.  There is absolutely no reason to not get married before kids, and if you do the kids first, there’s little chance you’ll get married for years after.  

If it’s important to you, don’t budge.  You’ve compromised with the mortgage together, wanting to be married prior to kids is a more than reasonable request. 

Make sure you are vigilant with your birth control. 

Post # 13
Member
2824 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

binks : Yet another red flag,  you’ve been made to feel “unreasonable”. What’s *really* unreasonable is his expectation that a friend (which is *all* you legally are!) should be willing to have a baby for him…. 

I hope you’re paying close attention to the advice you’re getting here.  He has no intention of marrying you.  You would be a fool to move forward with this.  I would be ultra careful with birth control too!

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2019

binks :  Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re made to feel this way. What you’re wanting and looking for is perfectly reasonable. There is no commitment bigger than having children with someone. You can buy out a mortgage and get divorced. You can’t return a child you’ve had with someone. If he’s not willing to marry you, don’t enter the commitment of having and raising a child with that person.

I’ve always been apathetic about kids, not having them is fine but if I’m with someone who really want them then having them is fine too. It’s about having a family for me and family can mean different things to difference people. My fiance really wants children, so I told him I want to be trying for our second by the time I’m 35 because of health reasons and I won’t have a kid out of wedlock. My nonnegotiatbles. He proposed 2 months ago.

Do not let him bully you into this. You deserve a family, the kind of family you want. A husband and children with that husband. You are not asking for the world, you said it yourself, 2 witnesses and a sandwich is all you need to be his wife. Don’t let him force you to redraw your boundaries, he will just continue to take advantage of it and with children, you’ll feel more stuck.

As much as you love him, if he’s not willing to compromise for something so important to you he doesn’t love or value you enough. You deseve more than that.

Post # 15
Member
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

binks :  “I know it’s stupid, the fact it’s important to me to be married before kids;” — Why is this stupid? It’s not stupid at all! Some people choose to have kids without being married and that’s fine for them. But there is nothing stupid about wanting to be married first. His brothers gave you a front row seat to watch why it’s not stupid. Plus, his reason doesn’t make sense AND when you address one reason, he pulls out another one. That’s called stalling and even worse, gaslighting. He’s making you feel like you’re the crazy or unreasonable one, when he’s the one making non-sensical arguments and moving the goalposts. Don’t fall for it.

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