He wants a family, without a ring. – 4 years

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

No. Absolutely do not have children with him without being married first  (not just engaged).

I don’t mean to be negative, but he doesn’t want to marry you. Everything he says is an excuse. Marriage confers real and legal benefits, and I would never agree to have children without it. HE is being unreasonable, not you. 

Post # 17
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

Daisy_Mae :  I think it’d be stupid if you want kids before marriage!! Agreed!!

Post # 18
Member
6602 posts
Bee Keeper

Dont settle for just a ring – you need marriage. Being engaged offers 0 legal protections, even if it feels more secure. 

As a pp said – if you cant afford a wedding you cant afford a kid. Dont let him manipulate you into something you dont want. 

Post # 19
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree 100% with what people on here are saying. Don’t do it!!! You aren’t being crazy for wanting marriage first. Relationships are a two way street. He doesn’t get to just have everything he wants while giving you nothing that you want. That isn’t how this works. He wants you to give him a home and children? Well in return you want marriage. Seriously I can’t stress enough how much of a trap he is setting for you. As other people said, just go look at the hundreds of woman on here who fell for that and are now years later having to walk away from their family bc the guy clearly had no intention of ever marrying them. 

Here is the deal. If he really truely loves you and wants a family and a future with you he needs to marry you. PERIOD. No exceptions. You have value and he does not get you for free. Stand your ground with this. You hold all the power here, and don’t let him convince you otherwise. There are so many men out there that would jump at the chance to marry you. 

If I were you I’d actually be furious at him. Here is why.

1) he is basically threatening you with HIS timeline of when he wants kids with no regard to you. This is a tactic to make you feel panicked and rushed to make a choice. 

2) he knows marriage is something you need to be happy and he is refusing to do it. Why would you want to be with someone who has that little respect for you? Why would you wanna be with someone who cares so little for your happiness? 

3) he is refusing to discuss getting married. Ummm excuse him?!! Oh hellll no. That’s not how this works buddy. This is a relationship, a partnership. You are both involved in the decision making process. You should be furious that he is pulling this crap. Like a three year old throwing a tantrum. Sorry but In a relationship you don’t get to just brush off the other persons concerns, and needs. He doesn’t just get to decide all on his own that he just isn’t going to talk about your future together and marriage. 

4) he straight up lied to you. He said he couldn’t be married unless it was inexpensive. So you made it inexpensive. He then turns around and says he doesn’t really see the point of marriage. So he lied. He knew all along he didn’t wanna get married and threw out the first excuse he could think of! I would be pissed. 

5) a kid is more expensive than a wedding. A kid is 100% more of a commitment than marriage. Logically speaking it makes zero sense to say he is ready for a child with you but not marriage. 

Stick to your guns! Don’t have a kid before marriage. It simply isn’t worth it to bring a child into this situation. Picture what would happen if you did it his way.  Can you imagine telling your child why dad doesn’t want to marry mom?. Or 6 years from now when you realize that he got everything he wanted and NEVER was going to marry you. Can you imagine how soul crushing a betrayal that would be for you? Not worth it. 

Post # 20
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

binks :  plain and simple , he does not want to marry you. May I ask how old are you both? Also having a child is much more expensive than having a small wedding. You’re boyfriend is full of crap I can see right through him! He is trying to trap you. If you give in and have a child with this man all of you’re chances of wanting to get married will be thrown out of the window. So sorry but it’s the truth 

Post # 21
Member
9828 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Issa no.

Post # 22
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

wow i would be pissed off he wants to have a baby with you but he wont marry you. that would be a deal breaker for me. the man should want to make you happy

Post # 23
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

binks :  you need to decide how serious you are about being married before you have children. Otherwise, you’re going to be an unwed mother for someone who will NEVER marry you. I would lay out BOTH options with him. 1- we get married and have children OR 2- I’m moving on and we can look at the legalities of one or the other buying someone out of the house.

Also- just because you have a baby without being married doesn’t mean the baby gets his name by default. Not sure where you got that but just FYI there. In fact, I’d let him know that any baby I birth without marriage gets MY name. No negotiations or discussion. 

It sounds like he’s decided on the plan and he’s just moving forward with HIS timeline, irrespective of what he knows you want. That kind of disrespect would piss me off and give me the fortitude to really be firm about my boundaries.

Actually, I’d probably just start looking into the whole buying someone out of the mortgage and finding someone who wanted to marry me. Your guy doesn’t want to marry you. You should believe him, since he’s already let you know that multiple times.

Post # 24
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

If marriage is important to you, you need to put that first and make him agree to that. 

BUT I disagree with a ton of bees on this concept in general. I think agreeing to have kids with someone is a bigger commitment than marriage. I don’t think it is fair for bees to demonize a guy who thinks the same. 

Post # 25
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

binks :  so in other words he wants you to be an incubator for his spawn, but still keep the ability to cut and run with ZERO ramifications whenever he feels like it. Got it.

 

Yeah, it’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.

Post # 26
Member
661 posts
Busy bee

therobinsparkles :  I agree. We planned to have a child before marriage and I know lots of happy families who have done the same. None of us are any less committed than married couples with kids. However, my partner and I are on the same page and always have been. One of the sides in the OP’s relationship is going to have to compromise. 

OP, you can protect yourself with legal contracts that are just as binding as a marriage certificate. You already have joint real estate. You can get POA for each other, joint bank accounts, make each other your insurance beneficiaries, etc… all of that is just as simple as getting married. And your future children can have your last name. They don’t have to have his. 

But that’s all if you’re the one making the compromise. I hope that one way or another you two can figure it out without ending up at an impassé because it does sound like you have a loving relationship. Good luck. 

Post # 27
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

daisy123 :   therobinsparkles :  I understand what you guys are saying, and I have friends and family who have had children before marriage.  These were the reasons.

– Accidental pregnancy 

– Needed IVF which cost them every last cent they had

– Female already had a child and wanted children close to age

– Older couple who felt their biological clock ticking

I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons to have a child first or have children and not get married at all, but IMO as the OP wants to be married first, and marriage is not as large a committement as a baby, in their circumstance there is no reason for her to have to be the one to compromise.  Yes there are other hoops you can jump through to ensure you have some legal protection, but why do that instead of just getting married?  Her SO has not given one reason as to why they shouldn’t get married first.  

Post # 28
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

daisy123 :   youngbrokebride :  As I said, I agree that if it is important to OP it is important in general. It is crucial that both parties agree marriage is not the linchpin to a relationship.

That said, there does not need to be a “reason” to have kids first. The reason can be simply that a couple is committed, wants children, and doesn’t view marriage as a qualifier. Choosing to have kids before marriage does not make a relationship any less valid, does not make the family any less valid, AND does not mean that one member of the relationship is “using” the other member just to make a baby. 

 

Post # 29
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

I also wonder how many bees responding had a courthouse wedding. Yes, you can get married at a courthouse. However, a wedding is often also a time to celebrate (largely!) with family and friends. I’d rather wait, save money, and have the celebration I want, as opposed to getting married at a courthouse just because society tells me having children before marriage is taboo or that I am a lesser person by not being married ASAP. 

Post # 30
Member
661 posts
Busy bee

youngbrokebride :  “Why do that instead of just getting married?”

Why not? It’s as cheap and simple as getting married at the court house and paperwork for POA and insurance beneficiaries has to be filed whether or not they get married anyway.

I’m not trying to convince her to be the one that gives in. I’m just giving the perspective that marriage doesn’t HAVE to be the be-all-end-all before having children. Not being married and fathering a child doesn’t give the man a free pass to disappear when he feels like it like so many bees insist that it does. Marriage doesn’t stop men OR women from leaving the relationship, kids or no kids. 

 

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