He wants a family, without a ring. – 4 years

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
9429 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

That’d be a hard No from me. End of discussion.

You want babies, I want a formal legal commitment. I don’t think it’s asking too much at all.

Post # 47
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Here’s the thing. He is ready for the responsibility of being a father, but he clearly has doubts about your relationship, as he wants a built in out. That speaks directly to his feelings about you. No way in hell I’d go for this.

Post # 48
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Only thing I have to add to what other bees have said is this: keep a tight hold on your birth control.

Post # 49
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m sorry, I hate when people use the excuse it’s too expensive to be married.  My husband and I spent $25 to get married and that was the cost of the marriage license!  We knew we wanted to be married and that was it.  There was no fuss or muss about it.  5 years later here we are.  So if he really wants to be married money is nothing

Post # 50
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

pinkcorsage :  same! We just got married and it cost $35. $150 if you include my dress and the 4 bouquets of flowers he bought me 😂

Money is NOT an excuse. You know what IS expensive? A BABY!!

Post # 51
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Posters on here who keep commenting that relationships without marriage can be great too just aren’t helpful in this situation. I get it is easy to get defensive when you and your partner have chosen to not get married and it works for you. But this woman asked for advice about her specific situation. 

Her boyfriends words and actions are what makes her situation decidedly different. He tells her he wants to marry her, then backs out. He pushes her to have kids by a certain timeline with no regard to her feelings or needs. He then refuses to talk about marriage at all as if he personally owns the relationship. This guy is so clearly using this woman for his needs and has zero consideration for hers. Everyone on here has seen this happen time and time again and have read endless posts about this. We have all seen woman having to walk away from their home with their kids because they finally realize the guy never intended to marry them. They realize they can’t possibly stay in a relationship with a man who lied to their face, and so calously disregarded their feelings for so long. 

So yes this woman needs to stand firm and insist on marriage before kids. She has already compromised enough in this relationship by moving in with him and giving him a home without the committment of marriage. The last thing she should do is give him more of what he wants for free. If he simply won’t marry her and they break up she still wins because that means he would never have married her, she would be stuck in the same position as his brothers girlfriends and she would be miserable. 

Post # 52
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Hard pass.

and echoing other PP’s comments about your birth control. I would insist on 2 forms going forward, unless you have an IUD or something else that can’t be tampered with.

Post # 53
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

There are sometimes wom n on here who say “my guy says he doesn’t want to marry, he’s said this since we started dating, when will he come around?” I don’t tell these women how horrible the guy is. Because he’s honest. 

The OP’s SO has her planning a wedding then decides he doesn’t see the point after all. People who wish not to marry and are honest don’t have their SO looking into prices for a wedding. They also don’t agree to marry. Her SO is dishonest and I think she should leave for THAT reason. Not wanting marriage isn’t a free pass to be dishonest. 

And yes, I’m many jurisdictions not being married is a free pass to up and leave. She would have to prove paternity, which she might not be able to get the test, and he would have no responsibility to HER. Watch the birth certificate be “just a piece of paper.” It is important that the kid is protected, and it is also important that OP is protected. If you are legally married then you can’t just break up with your spouse and walk away. 

Post # 54
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Clearly marriage is important to you.  If it’s not important to him then why is he so against it?  I would ask him the hard questions until you get an answer because it’s a bit ridiculous that he’s like “well I don’t care about marriage…. but I don’t want to marry.”  That just means he’s against marriage!  It’s like “I don’t care if I buy bacon… but I don’t like bacon.”

Post # 55
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

KittyYogi :  Exactly, my frined is in this predicament where she wants to get married but the man says he wants to save up on money for the cost of the wedding!

Post # 56
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

He expects you to compromise on having children but he won’t compromise on marriage? Nah. Not someone I’d want to be having children with, honestly. I told my SO straight up that I would not start trying for a baby with him until we were married, it’s a non-negotiable.

Post # 57
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Yeah no,…..you two aren’t on the same page.  Marriage is not going to happen and its up to you to decide whether to leave and find someone who is excited about marrying you or staying in this situation, bear children and hope he doesn’t break up with you so he can walk away free like his brothers did. 

Post # 58
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Just read the OP and… dear lord it is not stupid AT ALL. I would never agree to start a family with out a marriage. Never. Do not budge an inch on this.

Post # 59
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

binks :  As a currently pregnant bee, I might add that being pregnant and having someone’s child is no joke. I wouldn’t just do this gig for anyone. I do this becasue obviously I want children, but I do it for my husband too. Let me add that he is the most supportive man, I’m very lucky. I would never make this big of a personal sacrifice ( and yes I said it, pregnancy is a lot of personal sacrifice) without everything being on my terms. Certainly not for some D**k who is asking me to have his babies, but not marry me. F THAT. This is your life and your body. Don’t have a baby and make that sacrifice for someone who will not commit to you, especially since you’ve made it clear that’s what you want.

Post # 60
Member
12108 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

The circumstances have changed now that you are talking about a family, but by setting your timeline to four years in the future, ie another year and a half from now, and even then it’s unconditional, ie you will ask him, you did yourself no favors. Ironically, now you treat his timeline to children as if it’s set in stone and you have no say. 

I think you are long past the point where you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that children will not happen before marriage and that the bait and switch he pulled by telling you to research weddings, pretending it was about the money, then doing a total 180 when you came up with a very low key, low budget plan is a real deal breaker for you. 

If it isn’t, it should be.

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