He wants a family, without a ring. – 4 years

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee

” Children without marriage is something I absolutely and utterly refuse to do.”

As my dear departed mum would have said- He can put that in his pipe and smoke it.

 

Post # 62
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

Guys who say “what is the point of marriage” probably shouldn’t be in one.  What is the point of resisting marriage, unless he doesn’t want to be committed? I’m curious as to what his REAL reason is.

Post # 63
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

If you decide to do this- don’t give the child his last name. He doesn’t get that privilege. 

As for the whole situation, we call that cake eating. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Shut that shit down.

Post # 64
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

binks :  Don’t go down this road. Stand firm. Do not have children with a man that won’t marry you. And make it clear to him that kids are strictly off the table until after marriage.

Quite frankly, it’already been 4 years – I personally think it’s ultimatum time. If he can’t commit to marrying you, then tell him to step aside so you can find somebody that will.

Don’t continue to waste your time. Sorry bee.

Post # 65
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Listening to guys like this is how you become a never-married baby mama.  It runs in his family.  

It’s silly to demand an extravagant wedding you can’t afford (which you’re not asking for).  It is not silly to cement the rights and obligations of the parents and child as a unit (which you are asking for).  It’s silly to say “a wedding is too expensive” but “let’s have a baby”, as though babies are cheaper than weddings.   

Weddings cost a bride as much headache as she plans for.  Pregnancy and childbirth are among the most dangerous things women do. Your physical and mental health, your bodily autonomy, even your ability to go to the toilet are compromised in a way that can shake women to the core.  Standing up in a damn suit and putting a ring on your finger is NOTHING compared to that. It’s not crazy to expect that he be legally able to carry out your healthcare decisions if something happens while birthing his baby.  If he doesn’t get that, he is being dense on purpose.

 

Post # 66
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This is a man who thinks that he should have all the power in the relationship. He wants children, he wants to have a house with you, he doesn’t want to get married. In his mind, you should give him all of that, while you get nothing you want, and he will say and do whatever it takes, try and manipulate you into feeling insecure or ridiculous, to get what he wants in direct violation of waht you want. That’s not a guy I’d want to marry, and that’s certainly not a guy I’d want to have children with.

All you have to do is search the Waiting board for threads of countless women who have been where you are, gave in, it’s been three kids and 10 years later, and they’re still not married. This is not uncommon, and this situation does not end with marriage if you give in.

Post # 67
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Hey albino wasp (male) here

 

Here’s a stand point from my point of view. 

First of all your partner is being selfish and is not compromising!  He can’t comprehend that he must put you before anything else in life, therefore he is not husband material! I understand that you guys have been through good and bad times, but believe me you don’t want to have kids especially since you brought up the point since he can just walk out at anytime and it’s irrelavent whether you guys are married.  If you’re not ready to have kids you must let him know, it’s your body at the end of the day! you need to sit down and communicate with him and have a serious talk about it even though there might be pain.  discuss it now rather than later before everything falls apart!  But I wish nothing but happiness for you bee.  If he truly loves you he will do anything after all it takes two to tango!

 

much love and peace to you bee <3

 

 

Post # 68
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

He’s just taking notes from his brothers and trying to set things up so he can walk away from you and any kids without any legal obstacles. 

Post # 69
Member
8555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ladyjane123 :  

“Posters on here who keep commenting that relationships without marriage can be great too just aren’t helpful in this situation” I think if you read more carefully you would see that the pp s who ( apart from one who  thinks men are being ‘demonised’ ,  hah! )   are saying that  children without   marriage is fine , also   go on to clearly address OP’s perfectly sensible  desire not to , and then just as  clearly  support her decision to adhere to  that. 

Post # 70
Member
6543 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

DO NOT have children with him unless you have a desire to raise children alone. Oh, and if you choose to have children outside of marriage, give them YOUR surname and not his. It isn’t automatic that children receive their father’s surname, and if he’s done nothing to earn it (MARRIAGE) then forget it.

Marriage does not have to be expensive. A trip to the courthouse and dinner out will do; the legal part is the same regardless of the party, so money doesn’t have to be a big part of it. It is all excuses on his part, and you know it. If he thinks that a mortgage together is a committment, then marriage ought to be easy. 

No marriage = No children

Post # 71
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

binks :  how can he cite financial reasons for not having a wedding but want a baby which is about 10000 times more expensive?? Have u asked him this?? 

Post # 72
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Just wanted to mention that if you did ever have kids without being married, they get whatever last name YOU want. You are not obligated to give them his last name, I’m not sure why you are under that impression. 

Post # 73
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

No way, José.

I completely understand that some (unmarried) couples go into having children very much on the same page and with the same expectations of each other. Yes, there are financial and legal risks with this (as other PPs) have pointed out – but the actual decision to do it should be equal and by agreement.

You obviously want to be married before having children OP. I echo PPs when urging you not to give on this – not with this guy, not with anyone. You’ve said yourself you’ve seen first hand how his brothers have up and left their baby mamas.

To be honest with you though, as we all know, even once married it’s not that hard to leave someone and get a divorce. Yes, there are legal protections etc built into that for children and spouses, but you could still be left on your own, with his child.

my concern here is that even if you do talk him into marriage so as to have kids, do you really want to enter into that “lifelong commitment” with someone who is at best – willing to concede, at worst – under duress, or most likely – simply lukewarm/reluctant about the whole thing. It wouldn’t exactly instil me with confidence and security.

Surely you want to start that life with someone who is 100% committed – there for you – wanting what you want and willing to meeting you halfway (or go above and beyond for you!) every time..!

I would want to know WHY he doesn’t want to marry you – without the BS reasons he’s thrown at you so far, and et is happy to HAVE A CHILD TOGTHER…!!! 

Echoing PPs it 1111097473738883736110000 % baffles me that folk seem to think having a child is LESS of a big deal or a commitment than getting married !!!!

🤦🏻‍♀️

🤷🏻‍♀️

🤦🏻‍♀️

Post # 74
Member
928 posts
Busy bee

Hunnibee88 :  Financial reason to not get married from his standpoint: “If I leave and we’re not married, I only have to pay minimum child support, whereas if we are I’ll have to share more of my assets  during and after the split”

It’s not that complicated

Post # 75
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I tell you I truly do not understand men sometimes! A man will want it all, a pickett fence, dog, and a home but will shy away at even the mention of a ring. The saying about “why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free” really goes into play here, because he might never marry you if you continue you give him everything without a ring, why should he?  Four years is way long enough to know if you can see yourself with someone for the long run (i.e marriage). Here’s my opinion, it seems like he wants everything his way without taking into consideration your feelings (which are VERY reasonable btw). I would give him an ultimatum, sometimes you have to stand your ground in order to get anywhere, I would tell him that I want to at least be engaged within “X” amount of time from now and if not you may have to explore different options. Now keep in mind bee I never said this would be easy because trust me it won’t be, but at least you will know where you stand and how he TRULY feels about you. If he loves you he won’t want to risk losing you. 

P.S, Don’t let him pull that “you’re pressuring me” line either, 4 years and a home together is long enough. What is he waiting on, pigs to fly?

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