(Closed) He wants kids…I don't.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1323 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

you are totally entitled to not want children, but i agree with other posters. this is a dealbreaker 🙁 

Post # 17
Member
17 posts
Newbee

Total dealbreaker. You’re only 22. Plenty more fish in the sea!

Post # 18
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

It’s a REALLY tough thing because people DO change their minds. I’m not saying you will, but apparently he did and you just never know. I was like you, I NEVER wanted kids. When I was 20 years old I had a birth control malfunction and ended up having one. 

For over 10 years people hassled me about “when are you going to have another?” I was always like look, you don’t get it.. even 1 wasn’t in my plans. I was adamant.

Fast forward to a few years ago.. I met my now Fiance and fell in love. We are financially stable and own a house and somehow, I started coming around to the idea. It’s not that I was totally on board but it was something I was thinking about. At age 31 I had to have a hysterectomy because of health reasons. Now him and I had to have the opposite convo and I had to tell him that I could never give hiim a child. It ended up working out for us because he said it isn’t a priority for him and we can always adopt down the road, but it could’ve potentially been a break up. My sister was also like you, never ever wanted them. Then she turned 35 and got major baby fever and now has 2. Like I said, I’m not saying you will change your mind, but people do. 

It’s a tough subject and I hated having to bring it up with my Fiance because I was completely unsure of whether our relationship would continue. Having a child is an amazing experience and I wouldn’t want to take that away from him if it were something he really wanted. Hanging out with my nieces and nephews is cool, but it’s not even close to the same thing. I agree that this is a deal breaker. I understand you love him, but you need to let him move on because nothing will take the place of having a child for him.

Post # 19
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This is definitely a topic to be much more closely examined before proceeding with your relationship.  You are both still young and I’m not implying that you might change your mind, but clearly he is having feelings about having children.  Although some posters imply he’s simply imagining “kodak moments” about fathering children, isn’t that how it starts when considering having children?  You guys need to really sit down and hash this out.  It’s not really something you can compromise on.  It wouldn’t be fair for him to really want children and suppress his feelings just to maintain his relationship with you as it wouldn’t be fair to you to give in and have a child to give him what he really wants (and needs) which is to be a father.  Take some time to really explore this before making a long term decision here.

Post # 20
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry about your situation OP. 

Here’s what I would think, although honestly I’m sure it’s been covered here by the other Bees:

I agree with you that it is insulting to assume that just because women do not feel the need to have children means that they are somehow mentally ill.  That’s like saying, men who do not like sports must be missing particular brain matter.

The root of this is the fact that, in general, people do not truly change who they are.  Yeah they might change bits and pieces, but the essence of them truly stays the same.  I can change my eating habits, but I will always enjoy going to the beach and just enjoying a botanical garden.

Knowing you do not want kids AT ALL is a fundamental part of who you are.  It’s not something that is easily changed.  When my friend talks about not having children, I do not even blink.  It’s normal part of who they are, not something taken lightly or said on a whim. 

If you absolutely, postively know you do not want children, your relationship with your spouse will not work.  His needs and wants will overpower his regard for you and eventually he’ll resent you.  He’ll start wondering why you don’t want kids anyway, what kind of woman would not want kids, etc.  Don’t let it get there.  Have the talk and decide to not destroy each other’s chances of a good future by not having the cajones to say what you want to say. 

Post # 21
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee

I am not a lover of children. I never was. I will be 40 next month and when I was in my teens and 20s, I heard the same thing you do about changing your mind or feeling differently with the right man. Here I am 20 plus years later and my feelings haven’t changed. I was with someone for 4 years who didn’t mention wanting kids right away. I guess I never really thought of discussing it with him and he never brought it up until one fateful day. He was closing in on 30 and started talking about it more and more. I’m sorry to say I ended up hurting his feelings on a few occasions when he asked if I ever wanted his children. I answered honestly…no. Not because they would be his but because motherhood was never something I felt I wanted to tackle. It ended up being a dealbreaker. Now, I’m engaged to a man who has a child of his own. She is with us a little less than 50% of the time. She is very sweet to me and I get to have the experience of helping raise her without having all the responsibility of a mother on my shoulders. And he is truly fine not having any more kids. He has said as much from day one. I think you need to think about finding someone who feels the same as you do or who truly means what he says when he says it’s OK either way. In your situation, it sounds as if he is leaning towards wanting the option of having children someday. Speaking from experience, reaching an impasse over such a thing can be quite painful and drawn out. 

Post # 22
Member
5077 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

This is a tough one, because it could go so many different ways and only time will tell. 

Either or both of you could end up changing your minds at any time. He could decide he really wants kids and can’t live without them or he could decide that he’s totally cool without ever having them. And yes, you could change your mind too. My entire life I knew I never wanted kids, I didn’t even play with dolls as a kid. I insisted I’d never change my mind when people told me that I would, this was something that everyone knew about me. At 24, I did change my mind. I’m not saying you will (there are many that don’t and are perfectly happy with that decision), but it does happen, even when you know it won’t. The problem with that is that you can’t bank on either of you changing your minds. You’re still young, I think you have some time to see how this plays out. See if either of your feelings toward children change at all. Maybe a sibling or cousin will have a child and that will solidify your SO’s opinions either way. In the end though, this is not something that you can compromise on and it would be unwise to get married if either of you is unsure about where you stand on this issue.

Post # 23
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry that you’re going through this OP.

In my relationship I was the fence sitter. He had always known he didn’t want children and we both knew going in that that was a potential dealbreaker going in. I needed some time to work through my own feelings on the matter and come to my own decision about children on my own. It was already on my mind because I’m infertile and was turning 30, and if I had decided being a mother was something that I couldn’t live without I couldn’t afford to waste time. 

I read some books (I’ll be happy to share titles if anyone’s interested) and I wrote a lot about what I thought having children would be like, what my fears were, how I imagined my life, what being a woman meant for me without being a mother. I wrote down every reason I could think of to have a child and then I wrote down every reason I could think of why I shouldn’t.

I talked my my partner, a lot. And he just listened and was really supportive. He didn’t try to sway me or push me to make a decision or issue ultimatums. He was really my best friend. 

I made my decision to not have children based on what was best for me, and I’m glad I had a supportive partner to help me through it. But it’s a situation for which there is no middle ground. For me- it’s not worth giving up the best friend and lover I could ever have for something that might not ever happen. 

You have to keep reminding him that for you- the decision is made and you aren’t going to change your mind. He needs to decide for himself what he wants. You don’t have to break things off right now, but just know that you can’t have any kind of future if you’re not on the same page. 

Post # 24
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
juliaGG:  in this instance OP is childfree and her boyfriend is the one who potentially wants children. It just sounded like you thought it was the other way around based on the last couple of lines of your post about nothing taking the place of giving him children. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by identicallists. Reason: Clarification
Post # 25
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

View original reply
identicallists:  Oh no, I meant that if he wants to have a child there’s nothing she can give him that will substitute that. 

Post # 26
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
Westwood:  Exactly.  You might really want to rethink the situation.  It’s not going to go away with time!

Post # 27
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Dear OP, 

I am with the other bees – this is one of the few real deal breakers as there can be no compromise. I have never seen a couple that was in that position where it worked. 

One of the most important things in a long term relationship that will lead one day to marriage is that both are on the same page when it some to the future, about the view and plans how the future will look (life than still does what it wants anyway but that is a different story).

One of my best friends always knew she never wanted children. She is now in her early 40ies and feels so even stronger. 

I on the other hand changed my mind. 

Until my mid 20ies I would have sworn that I don’t want kids and I wasn’t able to enter into a long term relationship where my partner thought otherwise. And it wasn’t the approach of my 30ies and some biological clock that made me change my mind but a further enquiry into why I didn’t want kids – there were some underlying issues from my childhood that made me very scared to put a kid through that. 

I’ll be 37 when we get married and I stop the pill. If I get pregnant – great, if not , also great. And my Fiance and I both feel this way. In my early 20ies this would not have worked, but it works now. 

Good luck on your journey. 

 

Post # 28
Member
7973 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I have known several couples where one partner wanted children and one partner did not. None of them are still together. Some of them were together for years… one couple was together for a decade. However, this is the issue which eventually broke them all up. The one who wanted children secretly thought the one who didn’t would change their mind. Over the years, the resentment grew, and eventually they all separated. I found this was the case regardless of whether it was the man or the woman who wanted/did not want children.

TBH, better to do it now whilst you’re still young and you have time to find new partners on the same page as you. This is the ultimate, number one, dealbreaker and couples just don’t survive it.

Post # 29
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
animalex:  hmm…what worries me is that he is 24 and already talking about wanting kids. Most 24 year olds I know are talking about wanting to get drunk still. I can’t imagine that going away as he gets older and his friends start having kids (well, maybe not when they are screaming babies, but when he starts seeing his friends with their young children).

Like others have said, children are a total dealbreaker. As you know, you can’t “kind of” have kids or “only have kids a few days a week.” It is wrong for either of you to expect the other to change. I know when my Fiance and his ex-wife (note the ex part) were disagreeing about having kids, seeing his sister and friends having children completely broke his heart. I know it sounds like I am exaggerating, but when we first started dating you could see it in his face whenever he was around their kids, and at 24 he knew he wanted kids but wasn’t thinking about it seriously yet. It wasn’t until his late 20s that it started to effect him and by the time I met him in his early 30’s one of the first things out of his mouth on our first date was that he wanted kids!

Post # 30
Member
2016 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Sucks but for sure a deal breaker. Thank goodness you’re both still young so no “time wasted”.

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