(Closed) He wants me to change my last name but not my middle name.

posted 6 years ago in Names
Post # 2
2266 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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sakura11:  Honestly, I think your Fiance is being a little unreasonable about you changing your middle name. Then again, I’m from the US and I so rarely use my middle name. He said he wanted you to both share the same last name, and you have agreed to that.

I think it’s a nice compromise that you take his last name but change your middle name.

Also, as a disclaimer, I see no issue with him taking your last name, but it sounds like you both have reservations about this due to unnecessary drama.

If you’re both academics, how would he feel about you taking his last name socially but publishing under your maiden name academically?

Post # 3
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Sounds like your Fiance has somehow connected a woman keeping her maiden name with his parent’s split. It sounds like a bit of a complicated decision (though not THAT big a decision), so I don’t have much advice, except: 

– Emphasize to him that if you keep your maiden name, you will not turn into his mother, your relationship won’t become his parents’ relationship, and people won’t care as much as either of you think, though some people may say stuff (maybe say it more nicely than that, but that’s the bottom line)..

– People can be judgy but will forget about whatever it is fairly quickly and get used to whatever it is. Don’t let others’ judgement be a reason you don’t do something (e.g.: him taking your last name). 

– Another idea: why don’t you mesh/hyphenate both your names? I.e. Both of you have the same NEW name? That way your kids will have the same name, both of you will have both the original and one another’s.

Good luck.

Post # 4
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I think having two middle names and changing your last name to his is a perfect idea. He cant make you totally drop your maiden name if you don’t want to…and he shouldn’t want to make you do something you don’t want to do.

Post # 5
4160 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Do you really care that much about what others think your ethnicity is? 


Post # 6
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

I feel your pain. I actually always imagined changing my last name once married but then I met DH and my name sounds ridiculous with his last name (think door bell sounds) and as an attorney, I couldn’t imagine having to state my name in court as such every time. like your fiance, DH was willing to change his name to mine but I couldn’t imagine that either. So after much debate, we both decided to hyphenate. Not sure if that’s an option for you but hoping you come to a resolution you both are happy with. 

Post # 7
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Modern, Classic, Fun

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sakura11:  you need to do what works for you!! I personally am making my now last name into my middle name when I take his after were married. And I’m doing that because I love my last name and don’t want to give it up. And I hear you — I also have my master degree and professional career with my last name, so I still want that to be part of my identity. I think you Fiance needs to be flexible a bit and he needs to understand how important this is to you. 

Post # 8
633 posts
Busy bee


It’s completely reasonable to believe that having the same last name is a sign of unity. It’s also completely reasonable to believe that it isn’t. And it’s actually pretty cool that he’s willing to take on your last name to achieve the unity he perceives sharing a last name to have.

What’s weird, though, is his insisting that it must be 100% either direction, and that somehow your MIDDLE name(s) has/have any bearing on your commitment and unity as a family.

His feelings about his mom’s hyphenated name aren’t actually relevant, since you’re not talking about using two names as a hyphenate (though I think you’d be well within your rights to do so, if it was important to you). You having your maiden as a MIDDLE name would not mean you didn’t have the same last name as him, or future children.

He’s drawn an extremely arbitrary line in the sand on this. Your desire to keep a connection to your birth name is valid, and he should be working on finding solutions to protect that need alongside his need for naming unity.

Post # 9
185 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with PP. A lot of people have already established names in the workplace so that does change once you get married. I am taking my Fiance name legally and dropping my last name, but for work, I will be hypthenating my name for a while just so people notice that I have gotten married. And then I will drop my name eventually.

I do understand having pride in your heritage but that doesn’t suddenly disappear once you get married or change your name. You will still be very proud of where you came from and who you are. I know the feeling, though, as my last name is spanish so when people hear my name, they automatically know I am from some sort of spanish decent. My Fiance last name is Irish, so I will totally be going into a different direction. But, people who know you’re married and see “Mrs.” they will know that your last name doesnt necessarily mark where your family is from.

I say you should do what makes YOU comfortable. Your Fiance may have reservations about certain things, but at the end of the day, it is the name YOU’RE going by. So I think if you want to change your middle and last name so you at least have the same last names, I think you should. It sounds like a great compromise to me.

Post # 10
8011 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I really don’t know what your middle name has to do with your husband. I can understand him wanting to have the same last name. But I think your middle name is all your decision.

Post # 11
7362 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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sakura11:  I don’t understand why your Fiance cares what your middle name is?? I dropped my middle name, made my maiden my middle, and took my DH’s last name. I’m established in my carear under my maiden name (it’s my business name) and still use it professionally. There is no reason why you still can’t be called by your maiden name at work?

As for your ethnicity, I can’t say I can realate – because while I know that Asians often get mistaken for the wrong culture I can’t pretent to know what that’s like. However, you can still be a proud Chinese with a Japanese last name. My married last name is Irish…and I’m not. It doesn’t bother me in the least. 

Post # 12
2418 posts
Buzzing bee

My maiden name was a woman’s name, and because of that, I ALWAYS USED 3 names as my legal signature- Alice Elizabeth Shirley- FIRST name, MIDDLE name, LAST name. 

When I married, I continued to use 3 names, but switched to Alice Shirley Smythe- FIRST name, MAIDEN name, HUSBAND’s LAST name. No hyphen.

When I married, DH and I worked in the same office and everyone knew us, so I didn’t use my maiden name as a professional name, but I know MANY women who do.

It seems to me that your idea about YOUR name is a reasonable compromise, unless Fiance can come up with some explanation for his objection.

Post # 13
6396 posts
Bee Keeper

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sakura11:  I don’t know, it’s your name and it’s a name.  Your name is not your identity.  You are.  You don’t make your name.  There are a gagillion Janes out there, or Joes, or whatever your name is.  Your name is not who you are.  So whether that means you keep your maiden name or your move it to your middle name.  You should be the one making the decision.

I dropped my maiden name completely and have never looked back, because I was like you at one time and considered my name my identity.  But then I realized it really wasn’t.  So now I’m first, middle, husband’s last name.

Post # 14
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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sakura11:  I like what people said about hyphenating both your names. That would be cool.

Although honestly the way I see it is taking his name and giving up yours is definitly an act of commitment and unity. It is very meaningful and represents you being a family together and your devotion to that idea. A name is just a name. I will no longer sound Jewish when my name changes. i will seem French. I am a French Canadian Jew so I’m ok with that but I am also last in my family with my name and such. I will just still practice Judaism and give my children first and middle names that represent my family. Then our last name will all be the same and we will be French Canadian Jews. 🙂

Post # 15
1519 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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sakura11:  I understand what you are saying about ethnic identity. Yes, it’s just a name, but it’s rooted in your family history and ethnicity. I don’t know what I would do in your situation. I’m happy to hear that your husband is willing to take your name. What about if you both hyphenate? I’ve always liked adding your maiden name as a second middle name or as a second last name (which is what I’m planning on). 

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