(Closed) He wants me to change my last name but not my middle name.

posted 6 years ago in Names
Post # 16
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You have to decide if your name is more important than your marriage. I think you should be proud of your heritage but also proud of the man your marrying, I think part of that is taking his name. My name is originally French, and I lived in England and then in Australia, my FI’s last name is pretty plain, probably from England at some poibt, and I definitely don’t like it as much as I like mine. But I will be taking his because i am proud of the man in marrying. Last name changes are the same protocol if your male or female too

Post # 17
Member
639 posts
Busy bee

 

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Rabbit56:  So, if he insists that she lose her birth name entirely, even though that makes her unhappy, has he decided that her name is more important than their marriage?

Note that she’s actually perfectly happy to take his last name. It’s her middle name that he wants to control.

Post # 18
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

 

I understand that he desires that but he is being selfish. We can’t all have everything that we want and he might need to learn that. My Fiance “put his foot down” demanding that I change my last name as it is “the way things are” and “traditional” and I told him that I am not his posession and I do not want to change my last name and that THAT was in fact “the way things are.” and eventually he accepted hahaha. Stand your ground 🙂

Post # 19
Member
23 posts
Newbee

My fiance is the exact same way. He is Korean and has a really common Korean last name. I’m half white and half chinese and have an English last name (my father was adopted) I am his only child and I’m very attached to my last name. When I spoke to my Fiance about having a hyphenated last name he was so against it. He kept stressing that I must take his last name, and his last name only. I thought he was being so unreasonable about this. I even talked to my mother in law and she suggested I get rid of my middle name and use my last name as my middle name. That isn’t even an option in my mind. I too, don’t want people to think I’m korean because of my last name. I already look more asian than white and people always assume I’m fully asian, then they see my last name and realise I must be mixed. But now my opinion has changed, it really does mean a lot to a man. Im not exactly sure why but I think they feel so much better giving his name to share with the woman he will spend the rest of his life with. I think you should take his last name, it will mean a lot to him.

Post # 20
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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Sephiroth:  I’m.not saying that he decide i don’t think it’s right that he decides anything. Marriage is a compromise, and I was trying to question why OP wouldn’t want to take his name, which it seems to me she isn’t happy about because she won’t fully take his name.

Post # 21
Member
931 posts
Busy bee

My fiancé really wanted me to change my last nam, but like you I am faculty at a polytechnical institute and earned my masters Unser my last name. 

My comprimise was to keep my legal last name and be known in my professional life as Mrs.Q but as far as social settings I would just call myself Mrs.Z. I dint know if that would end up working for you since your heritage identification is strongly tied to your desire to keep your last name, but it’s a though.

would you and your fiancé both consider take both your last names? Move yours to a middle for both of you? 

Post # 22
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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Rabbit56:  I disagree that being ‘proud of the man you are marrying’ should automatically equate to taking your husbands name. I could not be prouder of my husband but my name is my name and I didn’t take his. Its got nothing to do with pride. Its also got nothing to do with family unity either, as by that token I would be a unified family with all of the other millions of people who share my last name that I have never even met.

Back to the OP, I think you are both overcomplicating things and I can’t see why your Fiance is bothered about your middle name at all? I have two middle names (one is a surname) but they are not hyphenated or anything and I rarely use them. Your idea to add your suarname as a middle name and change your surname sounds ideal to me. Its something I see a lot of americans do but I have never known anyone in the UK to do this although I think its a great idea.

I do understand the ethnicity issue though, one of my friends is a complete english rose (blonde hair, pale skin, blue eyes) and her first name reflects that too, but she married an indian man with a very indian surname. She just didn’t feel that his surname suited her and that it gave people an expectation that she was going to be indian before they met her and so people would always be surprised. In the end she uses his name socially but kept her own for work and legal stuff. This seems to work – could you do that?

Post # 23
Member
639 posts
Busy bee

 

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Rabbit56:  How is she not “fully” taking his name? Her plan is that she would have one, single, unhyphenated last name, and that name would be his. That sounds an awful lot like “fully taking his last name” to me.

The issue he is being unreasonable about is her middle name, which has nothing whatsoever to do with what her future last name will be.

And regardless, what if she actually didn’t want to take his name, fully or otherwise? Would that mean she isn’t “proud of the man she’s marrying”? And all those men out there that aren’t willing to take their wife’s name, I suppose they aren’t proud of the woman they are marrying either?

Post # 24
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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sakura11:  Ultimately, it’s your last name, so he should be supportive of whatever makes you happy. If your ethnicity means that much to you, he should understand that.

I don’t really understand why he thinks it’s harder for a man to change his last name than it would be for a woman? It’s a headache no matter the gender.

Also, you don’t need to justify wanting to keep your last name. If you were a white girl with the family name Smith and you worked as a waitress you’d have just as much right to your last name as someone with a degree who wants to maintain her heritage. It’s your name!

I have chosen to legally keep my last name, but socially I go by my husbands name. It was too much of a bother for me to fill out all the paperwork and rebrand myself at work. Honestly, it just differs from couple to couple.

Post # 25
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
Rabbit56:  Dumb argument. Where is the “proud of the woman you’re marrying” side? You can be proud of your husband and not take his last name. Marriage traditions are steeped in sexism. Yes it takes compromise, and I’m not saying the actual marriage itself will be uneven, but that last name argument sure is. 

Post # 26
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

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ellagrace:  Can you clarify what you mean?  You don’t have to state any names but can you explain…

Ie. if your name is Jane Elizabeth Smith, are you now going to be Jane Elizabeth Smith Jones?

I am interested in doing something similar?

Post # 27
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I have a cousin who was in a similar situation and found that the best solution was to create a new last name that incorporated elements of both. this way they were both able to honor their families and heritage and it was still unifying and symbolic of their commitment. Many many years later they are still very happy with this decision. But I will also add that I think he is being unreasonable about you changing your middle name.

Post # 28
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Modern, Classic, Fun

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jenuine88:  legally I will change my now middle name into my maiden name. With you above example, I want to go by jane smith jones (legally) drop the Elizabeth. what are you thinking of doing?

Post # 29
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think you are still who you are. Doesn’t matter so much about your name or whether it’s yours/his/hyphenated/middle/last. My sister’s best friend got married and her and her husband both changed their last names to her maiden last name -hyphen – his last name. I think that is a good compromise as you are still taking ‘his name’ if that tradition is important to you guys, plus then you both have the same last name and your kids will have the same last name.

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