He wants me to move in

posted 1 year ago in Christian
Post # 16
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

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cart :  You present some very good points in this post, and also have highlighted the exact problem I have with many church cultures, namely that appearances DO matter more than reality. In my mom’s family’s religious tradition (Southern Baptist), half of “taking the Lord into your life” seems to actually have to do with keeping up appearances. When my aunt found out that I was bisexual she pulled me aside and told me “I think you’re a fine person, honey, and I know God loves you, but you just have to keep that information to yourself around the family.” My dear late Grandmommy had a more rueful approach to this whole subject. Once when the whole extended family was gathered at her house for a wedding and my cousin was upset about being put in a separate bedroom from his girlfriend of five years, she just cackled and told him, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, just sneak around after dark. That’s what we all did in my day.” Basically the rule seems to be as long as there’s no visual confirmation of sexual activity, anything goes! Hypocrisy is a way of life in some religious traditions, lol.

Post # 17
Member
590 posts
Busy bee

Exactly!  😀🤷‍♀️ 

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ecrisrien :  

Post # 18
Member
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Okay… so I am a Christian and I’m currently cohabiting. And no the church doesn’t like that. But I did it anyway. It made sense to us financially at the time. For the most part family got over it and left is alone with only minor clucking of tounges. Putting the moral issues aside… which is something deeply personal and which I won’t invalidate or validate here are a couple of thoughts to consider. 

1. Legally: who owns what and who pays for what. After marriage, most laws make general income a marital asset (over generalization). Sharing a home and bills prior to marriage can be a bit more tricky. Talk to a local attorney to understand how to protect your premarital assets, and how to best protect yourself during any major purchases or investments. 

2. What if the worst occurs and he cheats or dies? You may want to consider a will. If you move in and he dies, does he want you to own the house? Does he want the house sold and his parents to receive the profit? What if you break up before the wedding and you’ve sold most of your things when moving in or have helped to pay for renovations? Do you get reimbursed for any of that? Most of the time this needs to be documented and signed to protect you. 

3. Something new to look forward to: living together for the first time can be a stressful but bonding experience. In today’s world, most couples have had multiple sexual partners and lived together prior to marriage. After the wedding not much changes other than their legal status. I think living together full time would be a lovely thing to be excited about and look forward to after the wedding. 

At the end of the day, it’s your call based on your feelings and opinions. Think about them all and make the best decision you can for yourselves. Good luck!!

Post # 19
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not religious but I’m a huge fan of doing what YOU want. Believe me, as soon as you get married, get pregnant, have kids, etc people are going to try and tell you what to do and what not to do. 

I’m a big believer in showing people how you’d like to be treated. Personally, I could never have a church or family member tell me I was living in sin or whatever. Are they paying your rent? No. So they can shove it. 

I also don’t see the point in spending the nights (regardless of if you’re having sex) but it’s not okay to live together? It’s very hypocritical and stupid (not you, OP, but the social notion). 

Life is too short to do things according to other people’s rules. Do what YOU think is best! 

Post # 20
Member
7130 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

There are some things you can only know about someone once you live with them. There have been a couple Bees who have come back and shared some really severe dealbreakers they learned about their SOs only after the wedding. Don’t put yourself in that position. Live together. Give yourself the chance to really get to know the person you are marrying and what you are signing up for.

https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/totally-blindsided-by-new-husbands-behavior-may-be-tmi/

Post # 21
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

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maggie2020 :  I would say, if cohabitating doesn’t go against YOUR personal beliefs, then move in together. This is about you and what you want, not about other people’s beliefs. Take accountability for what your beliefs are and show that by living aligned to YOUR own values. 

Post # 22
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

My husband and I are religious. We actually converted together after we had been dating for a while, and when we converted we decided to abstain from premarital sex from then until the wedding. We made that decision based on our own personal convictions and decision to follow church teachings when we joined the church. However, we still lived together during that time. There were plenty of people who judged our decision to cohabitate and even share a bed, but we made the decision that was right for us. People assumed we were having sex, but it wasnt their business either way. The point is, you shouldn’t be doing anything for appearances. If you personally feel it’s wrong to have premarital sex, then don’t have it. But if you’re only worried about appearances and don’t actually have a problem living together and/or having sex, then eff everyone’s expectations and do what is right for you. 

Post # 23
Member
7611 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

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maggie2020 :  your church is also against premarital sex which you are engaging in so why not live together? I’m guessing the answer is that you can hide sleeping together but not living together.

I was in a similar situation where everyone frowned upon it even though it made financial sense, especially since I was moving to a different state to be with him with no job. We did it anyways and we were honest with the church. They didn’t like it and quite frankly we had to put up with a few comments from family friends but it’s a distant memory now. People will get over it and if they don’t… that’s on them anyways.

Post # 24
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

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MrsBeck :  I don’t think the poster said she was engaging in premartial sex. Although it may be true for most couples that stay together, it is not always the case. I agree with the assement that it is easier to hide sleeping togther than living together. However, I am still waiting for the poster to tell us what she thinks about living together. It seems her concern is about how people would react rather than she herself being against it.

Post # 25
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Ok. As a Christian, they also discourage premarital sex….

 

not judging, just saying. I did both before marriage. 

Post # 26
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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libellules :  Can I ask why you discourage premarital sex, especially when you did it yourself?

Post # 27
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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MissCtoMrsR :  that’s not what I said / meant. I’m saying the Christian church does 

 

source: I’m a Christian. 

Post # 28
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You’re already spending the night during the weekend and one weekday of the week so what difference does it make? To me, you’re living together. Im sure your church doesn’t approve of what youre currently doing either. 

For reference, my DH and I waited until marriage. 

Post # 29
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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MissCtoMrsR :  Sorry I read “As a Christian, I also discourage premarital sex”

Post # 30
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2021

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TwilightRarity :  What in the world did I just read?! If something like this was posted now it’s possible OP would have been accused of being from Daily Mail or the like… but there was something about OP that seemed sincere. Wow. That was interesting. 

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