He wants so many groomsmen…

posted 2 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 2
9787 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

19 seems ridiculous. The wedding party should be those absolutely closest to you, like the people you could call to help you move a dead body in the middle of the night close. There is no way he’s that close to 19 guys. 

If he’s being stubborn I’m not sure what advice to give. Maybe you could find other roles (like ushers) and they can all go on to the bachelor party but I would put my foot down on 19 people standing up at your wedding.

Post # 3
2468 posts
Buzzing bee

That’s a tough one, especially since he hasn’t attended many weddings and hasn’t really got an idea for how excessive the idea of 19 attendants is.  Any chance you have already chosen an officiant who might be able to talk him out of it and down to a more reasonable number? (I doubt 19 GMs + a groom + an officiant + a bride + 3 bridesmaids would even fit in most churches or ceremony locations!)

Only other thing I can think of is to maybe show him wedding photos online (such as galleries for photographers you are considering) and point out how the usual number of bridesmaids or groomsmen is much smaller – in my experience, it’s rare to have more than 5 BMs/GMs.  Or maybe some of the various wedding planning and wedding ettiquette books have recommendations on the maximum number of attendants.  

Post # 4
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

19 is excessive.. you can’t be close to all that many. Search Google and show him wedding photos and he’ll see typical numbers. Also how many guests are you having?

Post # 5
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

19 is nuts. You’ll have to put your foot down here. 

Tell him just because someone is your friend doesn’t mean they are automatically part of your wedding party.

Post # 6
1552 posts
Bumble bee

19 is outrageous! I would put my foot down. He should pick his closest friends to him right now or lifelong friends (those he speaks to/sees regularly and will be there for fittings etc). Would he expect to attend all of these guys weddings? And would he expect to be all of these guys groomsmen? He can invite these guys as guests, but only his closest friends should be stood up with him. 

For what its worth, my husband had 1 best man and no groomsmen. The only friends that made the cut for our wedding guest list were ones we both saw and spoke to regularly. Only 1 of my high school friends made the cut and she couldn’t attend because she lives abroad and only 2 of our friends from university were invited to the wedding. Anyone we hadn’t spoken to in the last year was cut. Show him photos of weddings and how unusual it is to have that large a bridal party. 

Post # 8
1390 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

19 is absolutely insane. We’re having 8 TOTAL people standing beside us – 4 each. My cousin had 12 total, and that was the most that church would fit. 

Maybe taking a “who should be my bridesmaid?” quiz or flowchart could help him narrow them down. Like this: https://www.glamour.com/story/who-should-be-a-bridesmaid-use

But he cannot have 19 attendants. Stand your ground on this one.

Post # 9
47209 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It seems he is afraid of offending someone by leaving them out. Or, perhaps he has confused “groomsmen” with “guest”.

Post # 10
1746 posts
Bumble bee

If he has 19 groomsmen, you’re pretty much free to do anything else … and no one will notice.  19 Groomsmen will be the thing people remember about your wedding 🙂  

Post # 11
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

camillianlillian :  19 ???  Good grief, no.   If I were dealing with that I’d have him pick ONE Best Man, and you pick one Maid/Matron of Honor.   Everyone else is a guest.   

If you guys are doing pre wedding parties, just plan them with close friends.  That way he can still deal in all his buddies without having 19 groomsmen.    

Post # 12
14971 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

 Thats stright up nuts.  Every friend that he’s had doenst need to be a groomsman, especially if they aren’t even close now.  I have “best friends” from highschool that didnt even make the guest list, much less wedding party.  He needs to tone it down to those nearest and dearest right now in present day, and that he sees continuing to be there for him in the future.  Not those that have already drifted and will probably only do so more.

Post # 13
9095 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think 19 is a crazy number, but IMO it’s his wedding too. As long as he’s sure he knows what a “groomsman” is as opposed to a “guest”, I wouldn’t “put my foot down.”

Post # 14
4603 posts
Honey bee

I agree it is excessive.

I would at least remind him of the costs associated with this (and maybe move your brother to your side so you bring his down to 18).

19 groomsman means 38 people alone invited to your rehearsal dinner if you have a rehearsal, not including the two of you, parents, and your side of the party.  It means bouts for 19 people.  It means 19 thank you gifts.  For the 19 guys, assuming you want them to wear a specific outfit, it means asking 19 friends to spend money on that.  And while they can say no, being asked to be in a wedding piles on an added layer of obligation and means people who might have otherwise declined as a guest feel obligated to take on those expenses and not want to let him down.

I’d also remind him that being a guest is also an honor and there is nothing stopping him from inviting them without the added obligations and expenses.

And if he still insists, shrug your shoulders and make sure he is fully involved in the coordination of anything having to do with the wedding party.

Post # 15
10027 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

No advice, just wanted to say you aren’t crazy – he is. 

Wait, who is paying for all this? If it’s you guys then start throwing the hard numbers at him for all these extra people.

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