Post # 1
Hi Hive! I love the ‘Bee and have been a long-time lurker. I finally have a post-worthy issue that I would love to bounce off of you wonderful ladies:
From day one, my SO and I reversed typical relationship gender roles. He loves romantic comedies and I am more of a gross-out comedy, or action type girl. I am practical to a fault (a new printer = perfect christmas present); while he is very romantic and showers me with love notes and poetry. Being polar opposites has worked out surprising well for us and we have a fantastic relationship.
Our first disagreement in 3 years of dating my SO happens to be about our wedding size.
I am pretty low-key and do not like being the center of attention. I would love to run off to another country, just the two of us (or + maybe immediate family) and have a tiny yet beautiful intimate wedding. He wants a big wedding, and would rather save money by doing away with “extras” like flowers and a nice venue. But, if I’m going to have a wedding, I don’t want to half-ass it! He doesn’t get this at all and thinks that no one cares about those “extras”!
Most of my family and friends live across country and would be unable to attend a wedding where we live. His family is MUCH larger than mine, so it wouldn’t make sense to have a wedding in my hometown. I would have maybe 10 guests to his 200 (he has 60 cousins – not kidding). Also, we would be paying for the entire wedding by ourselves while at the same time trying to save for a new house.
Am I crazy for not wanting a wedding? Sometimes I feel like such a wet blanket. Should I give in and be thankful that I have a great guy who actually wants to be involved and cares about his wedding day?
Have any of you been in this predicament? — is there some sort of compromise?
Sorry for the super long post!! Thank you for reading!
Post # 3
There HAS to be some kind of compromise. Maybe, instead of the HUGE wedding, you guys can have a wedding larger than what you want but smaller than what he wants. And that way you can still pick a nice venue and have some flowers or other extras. I don’t know if its possible to cut down a guest list with so many cousins on his side but I am of the mind that the guest list should be somewhat even (but that’s just me). If I were in this situation that is what I’d say. And, maybe choose a location that is between the 2 places where your families are from. So it gives all of the guests an equal chance of going but it will naturally cut down on the amount of guests. And, I’d suggest a longer engagement so you can easily afford it without being stressed.
I don’t know if this makes sense or is at all helpful but this is what we basically came up with. I wanted to travel through Europe and have a small wedding somewhere over there, he wanted a wedding here where everyone he’s ever met was invited. We’re doing a wedding in my hometown (only because my family is paying the majority) and its smaller than he’d like but larger than I imagined.
Post # 4
WOW – Your post seriously could have been written by me…every aspect of it fits me and my situation to a T (except for maybe a printer being a good Christmas present) 🙂
Anyway, to answer your question, we didnt really come up with what I would call a compromise. Basically, we are doing what he wants…having a real, traditional wedding. I guess the only somewhat “compromise” is that we are keeping the guest list somewhat down (inviting about 120), whereas if he had no limitation the guest list would be closer to 175.
My fiance felt like since it was so important to him to have this type of wedding with all his friends and family, as opposed to my preference of just eloping with a small group of family/friends…that he should have his way. My biggest problem with it is that I could think of a million other things I could do with the money that we are spending for this wedding. I’ve basically just learned to suck it up and go with the flow. I have to admit I’m having some fun in the planning process though 🙂
Post # 5
Is there any reason why he wants a big wedding maybe you could compromise and have a small wedding.
Post # 6
Ditto for our situation. Our compromise was to have a small wedding: only about 50 guests. I’ve also cut out a lot of the un-necessities. We’re doing an hors’doeuvres reception to keep it more of a party, mingling feel instead of a sit-down dinner.
Post # 7
Oh man, I didn’t want a wedding either, it was totally my Fiance.
So we agreed to try to keep it small small small. At the end of the day, his mom really wanted us to send an invite a bunch of people that she swore wouldn’t ever attend… and they all are. So yeah, we’ll be having 135 guests and I’m NOT happy about it. But what can ya do, I guess. I just have to suck it up and deal with it at this point!
Post # 8
Ugh, I feel your pain..
My family fell apart after my dad died 5 years ago. My mom remarried and her second husband squandered all of the money my parents had, and when he started abusing her, my mom had to abandon him and the house I grew up in to get away from him. My mom is in no position to pay for a wedding. In fact, the $3k she’s contributing is a lot for her right now.
I love my fiance and I love his family – honestly, I truly do – but it’s frustrating that our guest list is 175 because 125 of those people are his family members and distant relatives who are all invited to the wedding. Yup, only 50 of the people on our guest list are my family and friends. That’s it.
Then my fiance gets frustrated when he realizes we’re the ones paying the reception and catering bill. <Sigh>
Post # 9
I would rather have skipped the wedding too- hate being the center of attention and could use the money for so many other things! But as its important to my fiance, we’ve compromised and are having a small wedding. Inviting 60 people. My family is small and his is big. So I invited my few (about 15) and he can pick the 45 who he thinks are important enough to come. So agree on a number that you feel comfortable with and let him whittle it down- put it in his court.
Post # 10
Thank you so much for the suggestions and support! I’m glad to hear that I am not the only female on the planet who lacks the wedding gene!
Having a really small wedding will be tough because my SO’s family is so huge and if you invite one aunt, you HAVE to invite all 12 of them. I don’t want to exclude anyone (Italian family feuds are no joke!)
I have been considering the idea of doing a destination wedding somewhere really far and inviting EVERYONE, knowing that only those who really want to be there will come. I haven’t run this idea past my SO yet, though.
Post # 11
i am in the same boat with you – not with eloping, but with having a small wedding versus his wanting to invite the entire world.
I ended up kinda forcing a “smallish” wedding by picking a venue that only has room for 120. so i think while i would have liked 30-50 people at least he can have his “big” wedding but i dont freak out about being stared at by 300 people.
Post # 12
We eloped with four guests; it was bliss, but true, we were on the same page about it. Have you sat down together and really crunched the numbers? That tends to bring down people’s “ideal” guestlists pretty fast!
Post # 13
i’m completely with you on not wanting a wedding. i have such high anxiety about being center of attention, but my fi wants to celebrate with family and friends. i tried to say yes to a somewhat larger wedding, but ended up breaking down in tears at the thought so we’re having a small ceremony (30 people) and having a larger reception (just a dinner) after with more people (110 people). i have a big family, so it was hard to cut the list, but we were harsh. also, i was a little mean and made the wedding on a sunday afternoon, and i’m thinking people wont fly all the way down just to come to dinner if they aren’t invited to the ceremony. we actually have a lot of family who’s willing, but i’m sure much more would have showed up if it were a sat. wedding where they got to witness our nuptuals.
Post # 14
I am like you, I didn’t want a huge wedding, I am the less romantic in our relationship, etc etc. My dream wedding would probably have been just the two of us and our parents at the courthouse, followed by a nice party in someone’s back yard. I can’t STAND being the center of attention. My husband is religious and a romantic and wanted the whole shebang. So we ended up doing it his way. We invited over 150 people (freak out!) with 120 showing up.
I don’t want to sound crass… but I wouldn’t worry TOO much about the money aspect. As long as you are frugal and don’t go overboard on details, you can have a non-half-assed wedding that is large for under $10k. In all liklihood (sp?) you will get in cash gifts what you spend on the wedding.
You don’t need to cut out flowers, order them online and DIY. Recruit some friends to help you two days before the wedding, stick them in someone’s basement, and they will be good to go. Do a tent in a public park or rent out a pavillion in a state park. It really is a fun party, I can understand your POV if you aren’t going to know many people there. But I was a bit in the same boat, but I had a lot of fun at my wedding ^_^ I hope you guys can figure something out that works for you both!
Post # 15
My Fiance and I were the same way, I wanted to elope and he wanted a big wedding. Then we began researching everything and we both began to feel the opposite way: now I want the party and he’s freaking out about the cost and thinks we should just do the justice of the peace thing. We still have plenty of time to work things out since we don’t have a venue yet and no contracts have been signed. But he’s making me crazy going back and forth.
We watch Platinum Weddings and in the intro they say, “Every girl dreams of the day she’ll get married…” Not me, I never thought it would happen so I had no expectations of what it would be like. But now I’m excited and he’s just being a wet blanket.
Post # 16
We were in this situation too! I would have preferred to elope. However, I when I realized how significant having a ceremony with friends and family was to both Fiance and my mom, I decided to do it. Fortunately, no one pressured me to have it be “big” and it was about 100 guests which just felt right. However, I will give you one word of caution. If you decide to do it, I think it’s a wise idea to commit to yourself not to throw it back in his face. I really regret the stressed out moment when I said, “And if it were up to me, I wouldn’t have to be doing any of this anyway! I didn’t want a wedding.” Yeah…. not my best moment.