(Closed) He wants to live together… I want the ring… And neither will budge

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
4047 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I can definitely understand both sides of the story, and I sympathize.

Have you discussed a marriage/engagement timeline? Would you be willing to perhaps rent out your house for maybe six months, move in with your boyfriend, and have both of you agree that an engagement should happen by the end of that time? Get engaged then, sell your house, and move forward with your lives. No engagement? Revisit the relationship and possibly move back into your house.

Just a suggestion. I know several Bees have been in similar situations.

Post # 4
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Does he own his own house as well?  If not, I would probably insist that this “trial” take place in your current home, with a definitive timeline.  I moved in with my boyfriend in the home that he owned, but it was loooooong conversation that this would be a no more than one year trial that led to either engagement or the end of the relationship.  But I didn’t really have much to lose or disrupt like you do.

Post # 5
2753 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Are you willing to compromise with a long engagement? I feel it’s a way for both of you to get what you want in the long run. Also, rather than selling your house right away, can you rent it out? It would benefit you more than him to do that. 

Aside from that, it seems like your SO might be afraid of the bigger committment of marriage in case living together turns out to be a bad situation. Has he really outlined his feelings to you about future marriage and whatnot? Maybe he doesn’t realize just how demoralizing the waiting is for you? 

Post # 6
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Consider moving in with him but insisting on a timeline before you do. We called this “marriage is on the table.”  

Post # 7
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Hmm, this seems to be a rock and a hard place.  Have you talked about compromises?  For example, you move in and he agrees to propose within 6 months (and if he doesn’t, you move out, relationship ends)?  Would he be willing to have your brother live with you?  I think you have to find out what he feels the way that you do (the need for you to live together before marriage) and whether that can be satisfied by living together when engaged.  Ulitmately, you’ve got to talk this out and compromise or walk away.

For the record, I absolutely understand your reasons, but don’t want you to feel shackled to your brother and have to live with him.

Post # 8
4031 posts
Honey bee

@losing_it_slowly:  Hmmm, tough situation. I honestly do not know if I have any super helpful advice.

I moved in with my now Fiance about 4 years ago, after we had been together for 5 years. No, I did not have a ring on my finger and I did not consider it merely “shacking up.” We were mature adults who were committed in every since of the word and it was what we both wanted to do. I didn’t need a ring, engagement or marriage to know it was the right decision.

Now, I understand that you want more of a committment before taking the leap of moving in together (especially since you would have to sell a house). Could you two come up with a compromise? Maybe have a timeline, he will propose within 2-3 months of moving in together? You would have to trust him that he would do it (but if you couldn’t then that is a whole different issue).

Could you two decide to be engaged (no ring) before moving in and then get a ring a little later? After all, a ring is a material possession, committment is a decision.

Post # 9
6222 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

One of you is going to have to take a leap of faith, and the way I see it, if you want things to move along, it might as well be you. It seems pretty certain that the engagement will happen anyway

Post # 10
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@losing_it_slowly:  after hearing your situation, I don’t think you can compromise without feeling like you are being used. I myself live with my SO (joint decision), but it’s not for everyone. Can you tell him what you told us?

Post # 13
14658 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’d try to get to the root of why he is so adamant about moving in first.  If it really for a trial to see if it works, how can he expect you to sell and up root your brother for a probably maybe engagement.  I agree with you, I don’t think I’d  move without the ring.  I’d discuss arrangements for my brother and a time line, but I wouldn’t budge on living together first, it’s just not necessary IMO to decide on getting married.

Post # 14
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I say stick to your guns; if you compromise on what you want, will you truly be happy with the status quo?  I wanted to be engaged before making that next step of commitment, moving in together, so my then-BF proposed. 

Post # 15
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t think that you are being unreasonable.I would hold off for the engagement too.Good luck!

Post # 16
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I tend to think that maybe he really does want to marry you. I doubt you are doing anything wrong.

I think he is a little worried that you may be a people pleaser and not be able to find someone else to care for your brother. I suspect he fears that if you get engaged before your brother has other support he will in effect be marrying your brother.

Perhaps he sees you as being someone who will take on these things when others in your family are more hesitant and that you will be emotionally bound to keep up this carer role you have with your brother even if you do get engaged first.

I think maybe talking about it more with him would help. Perhaps you can say you will get engaged but not set a date until you are able to move in together just with the two fo you as a couple.

I think if he didn’t really want to be with you he wouldn’t want to live together and he would have drifted away when you had to take on the responsibility of caring for your brother in the first place. I doubt someone who is not willing to accept and love all the complexities of another human being would hang around long in that situation.

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