(Closed) He wants to live together… I want the ring… And neither will budge

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Have you ever told him exactly what you just wrote?  Up until the “I’m a catch” part… and maybe everything after “But this waiting is depleting my self confidence….”?

Post # 4
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It seems that both of you are worrying about the other’s level of committment – I’m sure you don’t see it that way on his end from your comment about him wanting a test drive, but reading about everything with your brother and your fear of leaving him…I’m not surprised your SO wants to resolve that before he proposes. You don’t want to figure it out until you have the committment of an engagement, but I think it’s fair that he wants to figure out how exactly things with your brother and the living arrangements will work before you two take that next step. It’s not exactly a small thing, it sounds like your brother needs a lot of help and that you feel responsible for him, and if I were your SO I’d be worried about the fact that you are pretty vague about what will happen when you move out, and wonder if things will actually change.

I would talk with him about it and see if he absolutely needs to move in together before engagement, or if the two of you could compromise by discussing this and having a plan in place for how it’s going to work once the engagement happens, and your promise to put that plan into action as soon as the engagement happens. That could be an actual compromise, because this stalemate isn’t going to get the two of you anywhere.

Post # 6
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My gut would say to either stand firm or try to come up with some kind of compromise, like moving closer or moving in with your brother until the ring comes.  I kind of feel like once you start compromising your values and what’s important to you, you start losing pieces of yourself, and no one should do that for anyone.

The other part of me says that life and love are about taking risks and putting your heart out there, so you should go for it, because playing it safe doesn’t always pay off.

I know, not helpful.

I can relate in that I think my SO feels the same way as yours, and I feel the same way as you (for other reasons). The reason I would bend personally is that when I talk to SO, he clearly understands that I would never move in without a “forever” coming…so I feel like even without the ring, I could move in and feel good about it.  We’ve ring shopped and he’s told me to start planning a wedding, so I feel like it’s pretty much a sure thing already, pre-move-in.  Have you had this kind of convo with your SO?  Does it feel assured or does it still feel very tenuous?  That might help your resolve one way or another.  If he’s still wishy washy, I would lean towards staying put (or compromising but not compromising what’s important to you).

Post # 7
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@losing_it_slowly:  if he hasn’t been married before theres a very small chance at 37 that he’ll do it for the first time. I absolutelly wouldnt move without a commitment in general, but more-so in your case.

Post # 9
41 posts
  • Wedding: February 2013

@subtlebee:  this is not always true, my Fiance is 39 and never married. Our wwdding is next week. I asked about why he hadnt been married before, he said he had not met the one before me. So in all keep hope alive.

Post # 10
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@sekonick:  I didnt say no older guy ever marries for the first time, just that the statistical likelihood is wayyy reduced

Post # 11
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@losing_it_slowly:  DO you have to sell your house to move in with him?  I owned a house before I met my husband and now we’ve moved to another state and I rent it out.  With you living only 40 minutes away, it should be easy enough.

HOWEVER, I only ask that because I don’t, under any circumstances, think you should sell your house to move in with your Boyfriend or Best Friend, when you don’t have a ring and a date.  Why should you?  Your house is your independence if the “test run” goes south.

Personally, I would not have lived with my husband before marriage without being engaged (we lived seperately until we got engaged and ended up moving halfway across the country–had we not moved, we would have stayed seperately until the wedding).  I think it’s odd that he wants you to put yourself in a situation to depend on him (living in a house that you have no rights to), but he doesn’t want to give you what YOU NEED to feel safe in that decision.

That would be a red flag for me.

Post # 12
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@subtlebee:  That’s not always the case.  I (32) just got married 2.5 months ago and my Darling Husband is 41 yrs old. He said he was never able to find someone who could accpet and be his true self with.

Post # 13
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@MarMBer:  i just said it wasn’t always the case. it is just much less likely.

Post # 14
3586 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t sell your house. Heck, even if y’all get married, don’t sell it! I know most people here don’t like to discuss it and seem to think marriage absolves any and every problem, but men do still leave if you are married. Keep that piece of you for an extra rental income and if things went bad, somewhere to go that he has no ties to. I know I sound horrible, but I have a home and if we buy a new one, I do NOT plan to sell my house. No way, no how.

Post # 15
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i think it’s pretty insensitive of him to be insisting on living together pre engagement – especially since you are the caregiver for your brother. he’s being selfish. he wants you to uproot yourself and your brother to ‘test’ your relationship in some sense.

1 – definitely don’t sell the house

2 – i would talk to him seriously about moving in once you’re engaged. invite him to stay over at your house as much as he likes – maybe he can ‘test’ it by staying with you on weekends?and talk to him about a serious timeline for engagement.

the situation would be slightly different if you weren’t caring for your brother – and the fact that he’s not too concerned about your brother and where he’s going to live/how he’ll cope would also upset me.

try and compromise – but make sure he is too.

Post # 16
652 posts
Busy bee

@losing_it_slowly:  if you are such a great catch as you claim, then leave him. He’s wasting your time. I’m sure you won’t have a problem finding someone else who is willing to take you and your brother.

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