Post # 17
Agreed, if you are such a catch to him, and if he actually “LOVES” you, he wouldn’t mind taking care of you AND your brother, in your house, or his house. I wouldn’t find someone else to take care of your brother. As a sister, I think it’s a responsibility for you to take care of him, unless you have the money to put him in a home to be professionally taken care of, or if you trust him alone in your house to live there. I don’t know your siutation, just throwing out ideas. But if you boyfriend can’t accept you and your “baggage”, per se, then he’s not worth it.
Post # 18
First of all, sorry you are going through this. It sucks, I know! I’m sure everything will all get worked out in the end tho.
But I guess I relate more to your man. Maybe I’m not your typical woman, but no way in hell I would marry someone without living with them first. You can think you are perfect for each other, but living with them brings you closer in totally different ways. I HAVE to know how I am compatible with someone in terms of day-to-day life, and that may be where he’s coming from. I think approaching it that way is very smart, because marriage is a looooong time and it’s good to iron out all the bumps beforehand.
I think you are lumping the moving in together with “dumping” your brother onto another family member into one big ball of wax. I think you need to separate the two, because I don’t hear you having a problem with living together–just doing something to take care of your brother. You have a lot of guilt, and I think you think that if you were engaged it would piss people off less to take your brother. I don’t know what the solution is… but… these things are rarely either/or. There is probably a 3rd or 4th option that hasn’t occured to you yet. But I think you, and your other half, deserve a fresh start without having to take care of another adult. Maybe there is some assisted home health care that could help your brother? I dunno girl, but I hope you find the best solution for everyone! Good luck!
Post # 19
I think saying that you want different things and that neither of you will budge is going to be difficult for your relationship. There are going to be times in your marriage that you have different opinions and will have to come to some resolution… maybe this is good practice. Both of you will likely have to budge a little.
Post # 20
I had an impasse that was somewhat similar to this situation last year. Basically, the guy I was with:
1) encouraged me to find and take a job that was halfway across the country
2) said (while he was drunk, so I don’t know if it shoud count even if he was thinking it) that he wanted to get engaged before I moved
3) did not propose before I moved, nor during two week-long trips out of the country (to England for a wedding and Hawaii for the holidays)
4) said that he could not propose to me until I moved back to where he was living
This is a person over 30, who I had dated for 18 months by the time we broke up. I decided he was yanking my chain and couldn’t be relied on.
If you do not feel comfortable moving in with him because you are not engaged, then do not move in with him. It will only make things worse/more frustrating for you.
Post # 21
My ex-bf also insisted that he needed to live with someone before getting engaged. Based on my religious views on the matter, I refused to move in. I would spend weekends there, some nights during the week, but it was never enough. He also never spent one night at my place (which was about 5 houses away, was just a flat/apartment instead of a house, so his place was “better.”) I dumped him – he was an ass.
My husband also brought up living together, I explained my reasons for not wanting to, and he never brought it up again. Ok – when we were engaged he asked when I was going to move, since I did tell him I’d consider living with a fiance, but we were only trying to plan our lives at that point (I ended up moving the week before the wedding.) However – since he didn’t push it, I basically moved in for a year or two before we got engaged, I just wouldn’t bring all my stuff or get rid of my place. That’s where I drew my line. I needed a place to go, and he understood that he hadn’t made that level of comittment to us either.
Can you find a caregiver for your brother for a weekend once in a while? Start spending them with your boyfriend at his place and see how that goes. Try to make a deal that for 6 months you’ll spend at least 2 weekends a month there, and a night during the week. That should give you a decent idea what it’s like to live together. If you are engaged after 6-8 months, you’ll start to sort out a living situation for your brother and figure out what to do with your house. If you aren’t – you’ll be happy you didn’t move in with him and go back to your own house and family and be glad you didn’t stay with a controlling jerk who was just stringing you along.
Post # 22
@jmaze: I agree.
DH and I had a similar problem at the begining of our relationship. He didn’t think a marriage could work if two people didn’t live together first; I didn’t agree. Moving in with him meant that I’d move 2 states away (he only lived 1.5 hr away from me) and leaving my family/friends. It was a bigger sacrifice for me than for him. DH realized that the commitment we have for one another is enough to show him that our relationship is going to work. Besides, I see him every weekend and sometimes more than that. What is there that I haven’t already seen?
I think it is very honorable that you want to take care of your brother. And, I would feel the way you do now. This is probably sage advice but do what you feel is right.
Post # 23
Jeez, not another one of these posts. Have you actually talked to him rather than people on a chat room?
And Seriously? Marriage is going to mean sometimes compromising and if you can’t do that now then it’s not looking bright down the line!
Post # 24
if you read previous posts, she has talked to him about it. She is coming to a chat room for advice. Maybe to get a fresh perspective; to see if anyone has gone through anything similar or to get some advice on ways she could compromise. No need to be rude.
I like your suggestion about making the 6 month plan to stay a certain number of weekends and a day during the week. I think this would be a good compromise. Is your brother ok to be alone for a weekend or does he need someone to be with him? That time could also be a good time to test run another family member to help with him.
I can imagine that your brother is very important to you and that you probably have a motherly instinct towards him. Does your boyfriend understand this? I can imagine it would be a big deal and a big change to move without him. Make sure your bf knows you aren’t just making a decision for yourself, but it will also be a decision for your brother and that really is a big deal!
Post # 25
@Darcy212: Jeez, not another one of these posts.
Ha! I could probably say that for half the posts here (waiting, wedding-related, or otherwise!).
In all seriousness, I would not move in with someone who could not commit to me. I would have preferred to get engaged before I moved in with my fiance, but when I did move in I definitely felt I had that level of commitment from him, so felt safe and secure.
Statistically, cohabitation that leads to marriage results in more stable marriages only if the commitment is there when the cohabitation begins (usually with an engagement).
Post # 26
I’d tell him “Family comes first.” If SO isn’t marrying you, he isn’t family. Therefore, you need to stay at your house, watching your brother, until he shows he is willing to marry you.
Post # 27
why does moving in together mean moving into your bf’s place and making your brother find somewhere else to live? why can’t he move in with you guys, or both of you move into your bf’s home? I’m asking because it seems like it’s not the moving in together without an engagement part that’s bugging you as much as the making your brother find a new living situation before you’re engaged aspect, and these aren’t exactly the same thing. it seems like you’ve made a very honorable, selfless commitment to supporting/taking care of your dependent brother and your bf should be respecting that.
Post # 28
At first this sounded like my sitaution. We are also about the same ages as you and your bf. My Fiance had been married before when he was very young. They had dated for 4 years (high school) and only ended up married for 8 months after she cheated on him. He was adamant that we live together before we were engaged. I understood because of his previous marriage, he had reservations and wanted to live with me first. Less than a year later, we were engaged. He just needed to be sure I didn’t “change”. So I put up with his hang up even though I wasn’t wild about “shacking up”.
However, hearing about your brother, I would stick to my guns if I were you. And I would be so so sure I wanted to marry him and he me. Because of your responsiblities you have so much more to lose should things go south. Just make sure you are 100%!
Post # 29
Maybe he’s worried you will never leave living with your brother And wants to see if you will before HE commits?
Post # 30
@Darcy212: Jeez, if these posts irritate you so, why do you waste your time reading them or responding?
to answer your question, yes, I have spoken to him before posting in a chat room. We have a great relationship and i am always open about my feelings… but he feels strongly about living together and i feel strongly about being engaged before taking that step. Since we are at an impasse, I was kindly asking for advice. Shame on me.
Yes, there are a lot of girls out there waiting for the ring… Many of them have posted on this site. But I’m pretty sure my circumstances are a little different than just wanting to put on the white dress… I have another person to consider, not just myself, which plays a huge role in my decision to move in and sell my home before a bigger commitment on his part. I have no problem with compromise but in this situation, I think he and I both need to. I had hoped some advice from people here, who don’t know either of us, might help me figure out the best way to come to a compromise.
I didn’t post here to be judged by some 20 year old who knows nothing about me besides the “cliffs notes” version in the post above. Take a walk in my shoes before you judge.
try losing your parents back to back and becoming responsible for a sibling by the age of 25… stand by helplessly while your brother has 7 seizures in a row, or come home from work to find him bruised everywhere because he got in a fight with the floor, and the wall, and the furniture… or worse, find him laying at the bottom of the steps that he fell down while thanking God he didn’t break his neck, yet again, and you still have a member of your immediately family left. deal with the guilt of putting that responsibilty and constant worry on another loved one – whether they’re willing or not – in exchange for your own happiness. Would you not have conflicted feelings? Would you not be in search of advice?
if you don’t have anything nice to say, then please just go back to planning your wedding as opposed to offending good people with your condescending comments. Don’t you have bridesmaids dresses to select or cake to taste? Best wishes to you. Take care now.
@ everyone else who took the time to give me well-thought, judge-free feedback. I appreciate you 🙂 for those who shared their experiences, it means a lot because although the circumstances are different, it’s nice to know that other people have felt what I’m feeling and are willing to share how they got through it.
Post # 31
thank you for sticking up for me. I’m glad I’m not the only one who found that rude.
We have been trying to compromise and spend most nights at eachother’s houses, to get as close to living together as we can. But still, he keeps asking when I’m moving in and it’s kind of annoying, lol. My brother is usually ok being alone… We actually finally got his meds under control and he’s been seizure free for about 8 months (knock on wood). It’s funny that you mentioned making sure my bf understands how the decision affects my brother because last night when he asked me, yet again, if I was moving in, that was the main point of my response and i think i may have failed to stress that to hin in past conversations. i think he gets it. I felt good about the conversation, where I usually feel like we are getting nowhere. i guess time will tell and more conversations need to happen but I feel like we’re making some progress in the right direction.