- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
Wow, that is a tough place to be. Has he told you why he wants to live together? How long before He’ll know? What is holding him back? Without knowing his reasoning behind his hesitation, it’s hard to know if it’s worth the risk. And every time he asks when you are going to move in, I would respond “When I feel safe enough to uproot my and my brother’s life”
How does he respond to your fears and the risks you are going to be taking? How is he reassuring you? Or is this all about what would make him more comfortable?
Can he move in with you while you aren’t engaged (and rent out his house) and your brother move in with relatives? Then when you get engaged/married, you move into his house?
Can you have the commitment without getting engaged? Can he maybe buy the ring and give you a time line, like within 1 year we will be engaged? Can you get engaged without planning the wedding. Like get engaged, wait one year, if things are going well you start planning a get married 6-12 months later.
I would stick to your guns. You are still living together before marraige and you don’t have to start wedding planning/purchasing things for the wedding right away if he really wants to take things slowly.
Hi losing it,
I think you are being so strong in a clearly complicated situation. First, if I were you, I wouldn’t take the fact that he wants to live with you before getting engaged as a sign of insecurity in the relationship, i.e. “test driving.” I can’t speak highly enough of living together before getting engaged — when my boyfriend and I moved in together (we’ve been together for almost 5 years, living together for 2.5 years), we moved in with the understanding that we will get married (we’re both poor grad students in a really terrible job market so this has extended our timeline). But I’ve loved it; it’s made me so much more confident that our marriage will be strong because we’ve built a loving day-to-day life together. We just made a major move to another part of the country together as well, and although it was really tough to leave all our family and friends behind, this has also made us stronger as a couple. I had some of the same concerns you did before making the move, but it ultimately was the best decision I’ve ever made.
It sounds like your boyfriend very much wants to marry you and have a family with you, he just wants to build that day-to-day life with you first. So perhaps you can propose a collaborative timeline here — say that you want to move in with him, but it should be a serious move towards engagement for both of you. Say that if you move in together, you’d like to be engaged roughly a year after living together, if that year goes well. Don’t phrase it as an ultimatum or a demand; just tell him that this is where you would like to see your relationship go and ask if he sees a similar timeline for you. I wouldn’t bring up the fact that he has money to buy a ring right now; a ring, really, is not the issue here.
I’d also ask him a little more about why he is hesistant to move in with you. With the situation with your brother, it sounds like it would be easier for him to move in with you. Is your boyfriend generally against having relatives living with you or is this specific to your house/brother/location, etc? The other option you have is just to find a new place together. While it might be cumbersome to sell two houses, the advantage would be that you wouldn’t feel like you were the only having to make a significant change here. And the new home you find together would genuinely be for both of you.
I’d also sit and talk with your brother, perhaps with a counselor or his therapist, if he has one, about his future and what his goals are for his own living/work situation. Is his epilepsy such that he needs a caretaker living with him? Does he have any insurance to cover this or has he been depending on you for it? I’d make sure there is a plan in place for him before you make any decisions just so he doesn’t feel like you’re leaving him.
Please don’t feel unloved or unworthy simply because you’re not engaged. You’re fabulous, you know it, and it sounds like your boyfriend knows it, too. Hugs to you!
Wouldn’t wait around forever – I have a strong dislike towards men of that age that are still hesitant even though literally every light is green. He might not be far off though and just trying to make it a big surprise for you. But no one on here wants you to uproot your whole life to live with a mere boyfriend. Really really hope he comes around soon 🙁 xx
@losing_it_slowly: I could have written this except I am 34 and he is 41. Every detail besides the brother is the same. I walked on jan 1. It was hard and painful but I realized that his stubbornness and uncertainty and lack of ability to commit meant he was not the one for me. He is a great guy and I’m still struggling but I believe- esp at his age- that if can’t get there in 3 years he is not going to get there.
I was in a similar situation like you in my previous relationship before I met my Fiance. My ex really pushed me to live with him before we were married. We were not officially engaged but were discussing marriage and he wanted us to live together before taking the plunge. I wasn’t completely against the idea since I also believed in “test driving the car before I decide to buy” 😉 but I didn’t feel completely comfortable but after much cajoling from him (i.e. guilting me with statements like “if you really love me then…..” or. “if we’re thinking about getting married in the future why don’t you want to live with me now?? Don’t you want to be together???!). I gave in, packed my belongings and moved in with him without a proposal.
But I have to tell you that was the biggest mistake I made. I agree with all the other bees here who say to KEEP your house and not sell it. I didn’t realize until after moving in with him that it’s different when you uproot your life and move in with a man without an official commitment like a proposal. I never felt like this until we started living together, but I started to feel REALLY insecure about where I and the relationship stood because he did not propose to me right away as I thought, and the more time that passed by I felt more like “the cow he doesn’t need to buy because he’s getting the milk for free.” It wasn an awful feeling, and no matter how positively I try to view this that feeling wouldn’t go away. I tried talking to him about this, but on his end, he was comfortable and there wasn’t much for him to “lose out on” so he didn’t feel a need to move our relationship forward anytime soon. I realized that since I was the one who uprooted my life and moved in with him, I was more “invested” than he was in a lot of ways and definitely had more to lose since if things didn’t work out with us, esp because I had no place to go since I moved out of my house. (of course I have friends/family to turn to but it’s different from being @ your own place) Plus, I felt tremendously guilty because since he was allergic to cats I left my two cats (my fur-babies <3) with my siblings, who took them on reluctantly. They are like my children to me, and I would cry a lot and felt absolutely awful that I was the mother who abandoned her precious children to “shack-up” with a man. I think the final “straw that broke the camel’s back” was the entire time I was living with him, I never felt like it was “my home” but rather always “his place.” I realize now after being with my Fiance that until a man asks you to be his wife and become the “queen of his castle” (so to speak), his home will never fully be YOUR home.
I apologize for the long post but when I read about your situation, especially with your brother who you’re looking after, it reminded of my painful situation years ago. It sounds like you really love your brother and feel responsible for his care, and who knows you may experience things differently than I, but if I were in your shoes I know I would feel TERRIBLE guilt and that I “abandoned” him to be with a man without a firm marriage commitment. I say trust your gut intuition that feels strongly that you need this type of commitment from your man before packing up all your belongings and moving in with him and also uprooting your brother’s life. When I got began dating my Fiance, I made a promise to myself that I would never move in with a man without having all the commitment things I need and want to feel secure about the relationship (i.e. a ring, etc. vs. just a verbal promise). And I have to tell you, this time around it’s so completely different from when I was with my ex! (I never felt that painful insecurity EVER) I have learned since that every woman needs to take a stand for her needs & what’s important to her and to never sacrifice on them due to pressure or out of fear that if she doesn’t the relationship won’t work out (when you do it has the opposite effect).
Many *hugs* to you and wishing you all the best in your decisions!
Honey don’t you dare compromise, if he loves you he will marry you. The new world has really forced us women to compromise
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