He wants to MARRY me but I don't know his parents and siblings! HELP

posted 5 months ago in Intercultural
Post # 2
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think at this point, the solution should be: You get to meet his parents, or you dump him. Something isn’t right here.

Post # 3
258 posts
Helper bee

Does he have a good relationship with his parents? My longtime bf has only met my extended family because I have a strained relationship with my father, however I’ve told him that and I still want him to meet my dad because we do want to get married. 

Post # 4
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Due to a few factors, I didn’t meet my in laws until the wedding. They are perfectly fine and normal people, my husband just couldn’t travel to his home country due to green card issues, and they aren’t a super close family so they didn’t come visit us in the year we dated/got engaged. My in laws don’t speak a lot of English either, and while my sister in law does, we don’t chat super often. 

At least his uncle knows you, that’s a good sign. Keep in mind you are marrying HIM, and that while his family is important, being that they live on a different continent, they won’t be in your life on a daily basis, so even if you don’t get along with them for some reason, it won’t be a horrible situation.

Post # 5
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

What does he say when you ask to FaceTime or WhatsApp with his parents to meet them remotely? If he doesn’t have a good explanation of why he’s uncomfortable with this, I would worry that he’s hiding something (my mind goes to: already has a family). I’m not sure if you left out a “don’t” by accident in the sentence about his family speaking English, but even if they don’t speak English you could still see each other, smile at each other, and your boyfriend could translate. You should ask him about going to visit his family in Kenya. 

Post # 6
6793 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

teacherlife2019 :  How does he communicate with his parents? Does he wait for you to leave the house or something before he Skypes/emails them? This is very strange and I wouldn’t feel good about it either. It sounds like he’s hiding something…

Post # 7
930 posts
Busy bee

Have you sat down with him and let him know how importnat it is that you meet and speak with his parents/family before you decide on marriage? Have you had a serious conversation with him about it, and not just a statement/idea that just floated through the air?

Post # 8
6529 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

teacherlife2019 :  maybe he’s ashamed of them in some way, even if they have a good relationship personally?  Not saying he won’t need to get over it if so, but it seems like plenty of people start feeling bad about their own families when they have another to compare them to. I think it needs real hashing out, whatever the reason. Then if he can’t deal and let you meet them, it may be time to decide if you need to move on as it’s clearly very important to you. 

Post # 9
1119 posts
Bumble bee

I would start to worry that there was something I didn’t know about. A wife and family back in Kenya? Some secret he is hiding? Ask him point blank that you wish to skype/ speak with his parents and get to know his siblings. I think it is very strange this far into the relationship not to have spoken or at least been introduced to his family.

Post # 11
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I wouldn’t proceed. It sounds fishy as hell given what’s normal in his culture. I would make this a condition of getting engaged: that you meet his fam. 

Post # 13
761 posts
Busy bee

teacherlife2019 :  Agreed.This is suspect. I can’t think of a culture where this would be normal. Also, is there a chance this is related to permanent residency in the US?

Post # 15
348 posts
Helper bee

I didn’t meet my husbands family until after we were legally married.  (We had to get married early and unexpectedly due to Visa issues.)  My hubby wasn’t able to travel internationally due to Visa issues.  I had met his US based aunt, frequently.  

Honestly, the first Skype call I had with his parents was hella awkward and happened after we were engaged.  Truly, I wasn’t able to get a feel for them until I met them in person.

Is there anyway you and your bf could arrange a trip to Kenya?  If so, the trip is a great idea.  If not, I wouldnt be too suspicious.  In my hubby’s culture, you would never introduce your parents to a mere girlfriend.  We did have a trip arranged to visit my hubby’s home country.  It was cancelled, but I later learned he had been planning to propose to me during that trip.  Apparently, we needed to be super serious for a parental meeting.

Since engagement and marriage, I regularly communicate with his parents.  His mother is not very nice, but since she lives 18 hours away by plane, as a pp mentioned, she doesn’t trouble me much.

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