He wants to MARRY me but I don't know his parents and siblings! HELP

posted 3 months ago in Intercultural
Post # 16
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee

teacherlife2019 :  Student visa- 5 years?   That may be your answer right there… Sorry bee. Something smells rotten here.

Post # 18
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

teacherlife2019 :  You didn’t answer the question about how he responds when you ask to Skype his family. What is his explanation?

At this point I’d be suspecting he already has a wife back in Kenya. 

Post # 20
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

teacherlife2019 :  Hmm, that is a bit weird.  My hubby always told me we would need to have a wedding in his own country in his parents faith.  I think it’s weird your bf has never discussed your integration with his family.  It was something we discussed prior to marriage.  There are a lot of cultural issues to be navigated!  It also concerns me that your dad is worried.  Sometimes those who love us most can see problems we are too involved to see.

I dont think it’s a red flag that you haven’t met them yet, but it’s a big deal if he doesn’t expect you to meet them EVER.

Post # 21
Member
6672 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

When does his visa expire? 

Post # 23
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

So even though I didn’t meet my in laws until it was time to get married, I had zero reason to think anything shady was going on. At minimum, he should listen to your concerns and talk them through with you,  not just brush aside. 

Have you asked him point blank if you can arrange a trip there, or if there IS something going on like a promised marriage he doesn’t want to go through with?

By The Way, I don’t think the visa thing is necessary suspect. I have more than one friend from another country that stretched out their education (undergrad then masters) over different calendar years so they could stay as long as possible. Heck, one told me that one of the reasons many PhD students are international is because a lot of them just keep going to school so they don’t need to go back to their home country…

Post # 24
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

When he told you he wanted to get married and ask your parents. Did you tell him before you would consider marrying him you need to meet his parents and siblings? What did he say? 

When he says he’s embarrassed of them just respond, I understand you feel that way but in order to move forward I need to meet your family. If he wants to marry you he’ll have to get over it. 

Unless this is a visa issue to him and he doesn’t see this marriage as forever, woman back home ect, just till he becomes a citizen. You might dig a little more into his visa status as a 5 year visa would be expiring soon. 

Post # 27
Member
2950 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds very fishy to me. 

After five years, he should be graduating soon, at which point his visa would expire. I think there is a good chance he is using you.

Post # 28
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

This is very concerning. My SO is from Ghana and I’m an African American. I was worried that his family would not accept me because I was American (yes this happens) but thankfully they were very open. Also after meeting his family (2 months after dating) his family was eager to meet mine ASAP. This is African culture and family is very important to them. I would be very concerned that he is either already married or is arranged to be married by his family. Do not move forward until you meet his family 

Post # 29
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If all your friends and family are here why would you have a courthouse wedding here and a traditional ceremony in Kenya with people you don’t know, and he isn’t even comfortable with you meeting via Skype. 

If you do marry him, have the wedding you want! He knows your friends and family and you have mutual friends. Does he want a rushed courthouse thing? 

teacherlife2019 :  

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