Post # 1
Okay so here’s the sitch. I will try not to ramble but if I do I apologize in advance. My boyfriend and I met back in early 2013. We waited a year and a half before we started dating, and we were best friends that entire time and we talked the whole day, about any and everything. We dated with the intent we wanted a forever or a never. We both believe we are the person God designed for each other in more ways than one. We always talked marriage, kids, futures, people, and our relationship. Basically any little thing you can mention. To get to the situation, we were engaged for about 6 months. The sad part was that my bf didn’t want anybody knowing because he wanted to wait until a good time to announce it, so it was a secret engagement. Along with that, I wanted to get married in 2016, he wanted 2018 or further, so finally he talked me into settling on 2017. I was unhappy, but I did agree to it because marriage is about compromising. He wouldn’t talk to me about things after we got engaged and it just seems like the only one with a plan was me and I felt so alone and left out and silenced that in a heated argument, I ended up breaking up with him(for about an hour) because everyone always says don’t waste your time. But leaving this kid is impossible. We both admitted that it’s something that, no matter what, shouldn’t happen. It isn’t an option. So it hasn’t happened since. Since then nothing has been put back on but he does do a lot more that he used to. Like our WHOLE wedding is planned out, and budgeted, and we completely did it together. He really did put in as much work as I did there. He would also take me to places to look at things that we would put in our place together. Like we recently went to mattress firm to see what kind of bed we would want. When people ask “Are you going to marry this girl?” His answer is: “Yes” “100%” “She is wifey. She is that girl.” EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It doesn’t matter who asks, it never changes. It’s just WHEN that’s the problem. If I talk to him about the date he set for 2017, he says he doesn’t want to put a time frame on it in case he isn’t ready. Last night, he explained it as “I feel a peace about marrying you, I just don’t feel a peace about having a time frame on it. I’m just waiting for a feeling”…to me that just sounds like he’s waiting until he feels good and ready. When I told him that, he said that wasn’t fair because that’s not what he’s doing. I told him even though he may not be doing it intentionally, that’s the situation that we’re seemingly in. That’s the situation that we’ve just always been in. The year and a half that we waited to be together, was him making sure he wanted to be with me(Which was fine with me, but I very badly wanted to be together, even though I never rushed him please let me emphasize that) and now, him wanting to wait until he “Feels a peace” to actually get married is exactly what happened when we got together. We just waited until he “felt a peace” about officially making me his girlfriend, and I just sit here on a bench, just waiting, like always. It’s really starting to bother me. He says all the time there is no problem in being engaged. We could get re-engaged “whenever I want” but I told him that being engaged is more than just a label. It’s an exciting time, not a secret to everyone. You plan, you prepare, you invite, you do all of those things. Calling yourself engaged and then doing none of that is not an engagement. It’s just giving someone a label so that they’re happy. He says that’s my decision. He wants to go to pre-engagement counseling at our church, which I also support, but what if I just waste my time and he doesn’t listen or participate or we get nothing from it? He also says we are getting ahead of ourselves and I am trying to explain to him that’s what a plan is. A plan isn’t for today, it’s for tomorrow. If he said he was ready tomorrow, I wouldn’t walk down the aisle tomorrow. I would walk down when we planned. I am just trying to figure out what to do here, and better understand what’s going on. He doesn’t get why it’s so important to me, even though I’ve given him a full page of reasons why it is. He wants to sit and talk about it all the time but I told him it’s like dangling a steak infront of a dog. He wants things like to move out and all, but I’m actually putting a stop to a lot of things we already do, because I don’t feel like it’s right acting like such a wife to someone who doesn’t even know when or if they want to marry me anymore. Can anyone here give me some insight please?
Post # 2
Let me point out we’ve been together officially for a year and a half, but our relationship talks started in December of 2013, so 2 years.
Post # 3
If you’ve only been together a year and a half, then you’ve been together a year and a half, not 2. However, how old are you guys?
Post # 4
Sounds like he’s not even ready to be engaged. You shouldn’t get engaged if you dont feel ‘at peace’ with getting married yet; you get engaged to tell everyone you’re ready to get married, to plan a wedding, and to actually marry. If you get engaged but it’s a secret engagement until he’s ready, then you’re not actually engaged. You’re just fobbed off with a half hearted ‘shut up’ proposal. Xx
Post # 5
You all met in 2013 and then decided not to start dating for a year and a half. So for a grand total of 6 months you have been dating and engaged. Correct?
That isnt a long time. In fact I think your rushing. If you know he is the one and he knows you are the one then why are you afraid of waiting.
He wanted 2018 and you wanted 2016 so you both compromised for 2017. That sounds reasonable and now you want to back track. You all have been together together as a couple for a grand total of 6 months. He is right to put the brakes on for a little bit until you all have settled into a reasonable relationship where you know everything you can know about someone before you marry and find out that things werent what you thought.
Slow down and enjoy your relationship. Stop putting time lines ahead of whats really important. Would you rather marry now and find out down the road that something was off and get a divorce or would you rather marry later with your eyes wide open and it last forever?
Post # 6
Was there an engagement ring or a proposal? And how long had you been together when you said you were ‘engaged’? X
Post # 7
kittysoftpawz: “My boyfriend and I met back in early 2013. We waited a year and a half before we started dating, and we were best friends that entire time and we talked the whole day, about any and everything.”
It appears from her statement that if you do the calculation of 2013 and its 2015 and they waited a year and a half that its only been six months. Im confused why at 6 months she is in such a hurry.
Post # 8
How old are you? It does seem like you’re rushing into things a bit and I think he feels that and is hesitant. You’re right it’s not fair to you to be “engaged” with everything being secret and up in the air, but it’s not fair to him to be pushed into such a big decision that he’s not sure of yet. What’s the rush? If you think you’re going to be with this guy forever, it shouldn’t matter if you have to wait a little longer until he is really ready. If you have only officially been together for 6 months you are not at the point of giving him an ultimatum IMO. why not just relax a little and let the relationship take it’s natural course?
Post # 9
It sounds like he’s just not ready.
Post # 10
Add me to the other PPs’ confusion. With the timeline you laid out…you haven’t been dating 1 1/2 years. You’ve been dating just 6 short months. Way too soon to be this consumed with engagement talk. Also…a secret engagement? No no no. I’d never agree to anything like that. When exactly did he “propose?” Did he have a ring?
Post # 11
OP are you sure this was a real engagement? It sounds like he was kinda doing the whole…well when the time comes I want to get married here or at this location and I want to do this for a honeymoon. That isnt a real proposal., That to me sounds like couples talking about possibilities.
My personal thought is that your rushing and he is trying to take things at a slower pace but you keep pushing and he is trying to make you happy. That is absolutely no way to make a relationship or marriage work. He said he wants to marry you but your to busy planning a wedding to focus on your relationship. My Darling Husband and I knew we wanted to marry each other 6 months into it..However we waited and got to know each other first and two years after serious dating we got married. However we would talk about wedding plans even before he proposed. Which he did 18 months after we started dating. Then after the proposal we did all the planning and payments and inviting things.
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2017 - Sea Cider
2015 – 2013 = 2.
2 – 1.5 = .5, or 6 months.
if he waited a year and a half to date you, I would expect at least double that amount of time before he’d be ready to propose. . .functioning off the assumption that stewing on a thing is his pattern.
But right now, he’s clearly not ready, and you’re clearly chomping at the bit. If you want THIS man, wait. If you want MARRIAGE, find someone who is ready.
Post # 13
Okay, I’m bad at math, but what? You met in early 2013 and didn’t date for a year and a half, so you started dating around mid-late 2014. And you’ve been engaged for six months, late 2015, which means you got engaged after about six months of dating. Slow your damn roll, girl. You’re not just in the honeymoon phase, you guys barely know each other.
If you’re at the point where you’re breaking up with boyfriends for hours at a time then you seriously have a lot of growing up to do before getting a legally binding document tangled up in your relationships. Saying that ending things with a boy you’ve been with for less than a year “isn’t an option” and that his wanting to actually talk about marriage in realistic terms is “dangling a steak in front of a dog” is so childish…
Post # 14
It’s not my place to judge, but I don’t understand relationships in which there’s an engagement with no intentions of setting a concrete date at the time of the proposal. Isn’t that what being engaged means… “engaged” in the process of planning for marriage?
OP, did he actually propose to you? Did he ask you to marry him, or did he just say that he’d like to marry you someday? In this situation, I’d say it’s time to slow down. He won’t set a date, he won’t tell anyone you’re engaged… It sounds like you’re not really engaged at all. There’s no reason to rush into marriage. Just relax and enjoy the journey.
Post # 15
You accuse him of waiting till he’s good and ready like its a bad thing… But that’s absolutely what he should do. If he’s not ready, he’s not ready. He doesn’t need a concrete reason.
If pp are correct and youve been dating 6 months… You need to back off! Don’t bring it up even for 6 months at least.