He wants to skip proposal & wedding ceremony for courthouse wedding?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

If this is something that is important to you, then it should also be important to him.

Post # 3
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee

alexandrite :  “Apparently he thinks it’s more about us if we do it this way”

Tell him that for you, the wedding ceremony is not just “about us”; that it involves the community of people who love you and want to share that very special moment with you. I suggest you make that very clear to him.

Post # 4
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

alexandrite :  

His feelings are every bit as valid as yours, Bee.  It sounds as if this can be a good opportunity to practice your negotiating and compromising skills.  You will be using those a *lot* after you’re married.

Post # 5
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

Ok so something would worry me about this situation.  I’m not saying a ring indicates everything, but that’s strange that he wants to give an engagement ring when married.  Sounds to me like he doesn’t want to spend the money.  What’s stopping him from giving you and engagement ring before the wedding?  The wedding doesn’t have to be big.  I’m thinking he wants to get off easy.  No need to buy you a ring at all and you’ll marry him.

Post # 6
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Yes, what you want is important and the two of you need to find common ground.

It doesn’t have to be a grand proposal he legit could propose just the two of you in your living room with a ring pop.

If it really is just about the two of you I don’t know why a proposal would scare him. It doesn’t have to be public and in front of people. 

What about the proposal makes him nervous? Is it picking out the ring, you two could do that together. 

What about the wedding scares him? You could have a small wedding. Or a private ceremony and the reception of your dreams immediately afterwards. 

Post # 7
Member
3931 posts
Honey bee

You need to compromise here. His idea of “all about us” sounds like all about him. But you dont have to have a big expensive wedding, it can be a smaller tasteful gathering. I dont see what the bfd is with proposing, and I totally dont get why a man would be nervous. My husband wasn’t at all nervous, he knew I’d say yes. I’m thinking that perhaps he just doesnt want to buy an engagement ring or spend the money on a wedding. 

Work together on this. 

Post # 9
Member
426 posts
Helper bee

I agree with others about negotiating with him.he may have this “idea” of what you want and he may be thinking it’s expensive and cheaper to get married just you two. Finances are big in marriage and I’d suggest talking to him about what’s stopping him and ask what his “ideas” on proposal/wedding are. If finances are an issue, would you be ok with a simple proposal at home? And, a wedding at a local park? Maybe family/friends can pitch in and bring food like a potluck? I’d have an open, nonjudgmental conversation with him and gage where he is at with this and try to get a better idea of his motive behind skipping the ceremony/party/proposal. And ask yourself, what are you comfortable with? TBH weddings can be expensive and sometimes the cost per person is more than the cost of gifts you receive. If you really want to be with him, I agree with him and it’s really about you two. Good luck bee 🐝 keep us updated. 

Post # 10
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

Does he have anxiety? Why is he nervous about weddings?

Post # 11
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I mean proposing is simply him asking you to marry him, a ring isn’t necessary. So since he wants to just go get married… he is asking you to marry him.. So technically you might be engaged right now? Engaged is simply you saying yes to marry him. 

What’s so hard about saying, Will you marry me? 

You saying okay let’s go to the courthouse on Monday, that’s a timeline. And you’d have agreed to marry him and have a wedding planned so you’d be engaged and he would have proposed. 

Post # 12
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Have you told him you want a grand proposal? Does he think other people need to be involved in the proposal? Is he scared of choosing a ring? 

Sorry but if I give up a wedding to marry him in a courthouse he better at least have taken the initiative to ask me to marry him and propose! Even if it’s a ring pop and we go ring shopping that day! 

Wake you up one morning with a ring pop, ask you to marry him and tell you he has appointments at two jewelry stores and a dinner reservation. It doesn’t have to be a carriage ride with a photographer hiding to capture it a d both your families waiting for you at the end. 

Post # 13
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

In my scenario I was more like your husband and my husband was more like you. Because I could never have an expensive gorgeous pintrest wedding and I have major anxiety around strangers and public speaking I just wanted to elope. Full stop. My husband on the other hand wanted the whole shebang of a white wedding. In the end we had a compromise. We made the wedding as tiny as possible given the fact that he has what feels to me like a billion brothers and sisters and they almost all have young children who they couldn’t leave behind. This put a limit on the amount of strangers I would have to deal with. My officiant also compromised and we made the length of the ceremony as short as possible. No extras so I  could speak as little as needed. 

On top of that we had a yummy, and very short for my sake, dessert reception at a local vineyard (same location as my ceremony.) The place turned out to really be lovely. Maybe I didn’t have all the super gorgeous table peices and sit down dinners and other extras that many other brides did but I really liked the way it turned out with my little tea lights and my little silver hearts on every table. My husband and dad were delighted because they had their wedding and I managed to get through it knowing we did the best we could to account for me.

So all that blather to say. Is there no way for you both to compromise like we did? This way you have a wedding you are both happier with?

Post # 15
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

alexandrite :  ok so he has genuine trouble with anxiety?

Maybe a small wedding with only very close family and friends at a church would be ideal? 

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