Post # 16
What’s with all the “?!” ? It’s not an outlandish perspective, a lot of people actually feel this way. Just because he doesn’t value the “traditional” aspects of a wedding doesn’t mean his preferences aren’t valid.
You’re right, the wedding is about both of you, which means BOTH of you have to acknowledge what is important to the other and compromise.
Post # 17
alexandrite : mine also would have preferred no to-do for the wedding. We kept the guest list to people we knew well and only half were able to make it for a grand total of 34 guests. There was only one total stranger at our wedding (since we weren’t denying SOs). We kept it casual and,by way of reducing focus on himself (at least from his perspective) and keeping busy, my husband bbq’d the meal. All in all, the whole thing was a relaxed hangout and people loved it for being different.
There are tons of compromises to be had here. He needs to give a little. Intimate proposal with no guests or photographers (never understood that anyway), wedding at a chapel tiny enough to reduce your guest list to what he can be comfortable with. Or you can trade off: big proposal, courthouse wedding or ‘no’ proposal, full scale wedding (still small though)
Post # 18
My fiance feels very similarily about having a wedding. First of all throughout his whole life he never thought he would get married until we met, secondly his parents had a very bad marriage and nasty divorce (that still causes LOTS of issues in the family) and third he was raised with a lot less attention than his sisters because he’s a boy therefore doesn’t need as much care and emotional support as the girls (mostly his fathers way of thinking, verrrrry backwards, especially because he’s an incredibly sensitive person but was always chastized and beaten for it). He ended up moving out when he was 16 and raised himself from then on. Becuase of his upbringing the thought of a wedding gives him a lot of anxiety. He is very uncomfortable being vulnerable in front of everyone we know. Talking about our wedding never brings him any form of joy, just a lot of dread and fear.
I would have been happy to get married in front of my family and friends to celebrate with them, it’s probably what I would chose if it didn’t cause my fiance so much anxiety, but since our marriage is about us and not about anyone else, we have decided to elope and then throw a party for all of our friends and family afterwards. I’m happy with this because we still get to celebrate with everyone we love and get to have a beautiful ceremony with awesome pictures (even though it will just be us) and we can take pictures with everyone at the party, and he’s happy because we get to pronounce our love to each other in a beautiful, non invasive way, that he’s comfortable with and still get to celebrate with our people without having to feel exposed.
Your feelings are not more important than his and vice versa, you are both getting married, it is about both of you, and if this is an anxiety inducing event for him then you guys should really come together to find an alternative that will make you both happy. You don’t want to be excited on your wedding day while he is feeling dread and fear. In the past the wedding day was very much “for the bride” but times have changed and it is a day for both individuals getting married. Take his feelings seriously, show him that you care about it being a good day for him too, and see what the two of you can come up with together.
Post # 19
I’d definitely dig deeper to find out what is really going on here. There are a million ways to compromise, but you really gotta figure out what this hangup is. Also, if he is looking for a smaller ceremony, you need to figure out what is the most important to you, and what is not.
A proposal shouldn’t make him nervous. You guys have talked about getting married, and he knows you will say yes. It doesn’t have to be big and in front of a crowd, it can be at home, just between the two of you.
I DID get a proposal, but we skipped all the other pre-wedding parties (engagement party, bridal shower, bach/bachelorette). My husband and I got married in the courthouse and we had a small group of family join us. We were able to pick if we wanted a civil or religious ceremony (just a difference in words/vows), and then we celebrated with the rest of our close family that wasn’t able to attend during the day at a dinner. We limited the group to grandparents down. We had no bridal party and photographer, just family with iPhones; my mother bought me a bouquet and had a bout made for my husband; I did my hair and makeup, got my nails done, and bought a white dress and accessories. My Mother-In-Law bought us a cake that we smashed in eachother’s faces at dinner. I have zero regrets, and actually, I enjoyed it a MILLION times more than my first and more formal wedding.
So, there are ways to have both.
BUT-just make sure that you aren’t compromising on your true needs. You don’t want to start your marriage off with a ton of resentments because you didn’t advocate for and get what you needed.
Post # 20
You both want to be married to each other, that’s the hard part. Congratulations!
He has legitimate reasons to want to avoid all the fanfare, it can get out of hand. Would eloping and then celebrating with a small, casual gathering be comfortable for him? What’s the smallest type of celebration that would be comfortable for you?
Post # 21
beethree : I would prefer a large wedding with all our friends and family but I am fine with a compromise. I want my immediately family and a few members from my extended family present. I would like his immediate family to be there. And our closest friends. And definitely want a proposal! I don’t know if that makes me sound shallow or materialistic, but I would love the feeling of being proposed to. Yes, the hard part is out of the way as we both want to get married! Now we must agree about on how we will get married!
Post # 22
alexandrite : When you say you want a proposal do you mean that you just want him to get down on one knee in the privacy of your own home, ring in hand, and ask you to marry him, just to have that moment? Or do you want something staged with a photographer and other people around, etc.? Because he doesn’t sound as if he’d be at all comfortable with the latter.
You have discussed marriage and you have agreed to marry. You are engaged!
ETA: Has he ever sought any sort of help for his social anxiety?
Post # 23
This merits further discussion between you two. You both want to be married to each other, but your thoughts about what it means to get married are different. I’d sit down with him (maybe over dinner or something relaxing) and have a discussion about what you each picture when you think about getting married, what worries you each have, and what would be total dealbreakers. You don’t have to decide anything by the end of the talk, but you should be able to imagine each other’s ideal situation would be. Then you can go forward and compromise from there.
Best of luck, bee! Keep us updated!