Post # 1
I apologise in advance about the length of this.
OH and I have been together for nearly four years, I had a daughter before we got together, she was a year when we met. He very quickly filled the role of daddy and we’ve spoken about being married basically since day one. We’ve known each other for over 10 years and we we dated back in the day so it’s not like we are strangers rushing into things. Since we got together we’ve been trying for a baby of our own, but medical problems have been getting in the way. Anyways, enough back story.
OH bought engagement ring a year ago, Dec 2016. I knew he’d bought it, I found it whilst looking in a jewellery sale and when I said I loved it he bought it there and then. In Feb 2017 we went away for the first time just the two of us to Venice for our anniversary. Whilst unpacking his clothes, in front of him, I found the ring. I screamed and put it back in and cried tears of happiness, thinking he would go on to propose at some point on the holiday.
The holiday comes and goes, and on the last day I say something along the lines of ‘I can’t believe we’ll be going home to tell everyone we are engaged!’ He tells me he doesn’t want to do it on holiday anymore, I get understandably upset, and to be honest he holiday is ruined for me. He tells me it will happen at some point when we are home, as he wants it to be a surprise.
Fast forward to now. It’s now Sept 2017, so seven months since the initial ‘failed’ proposal. I’ve had seven months of wondering when it’s going to be and it’s driving me mad. We’ve had multiple romantic evenings and we had our family holiday in the summer where we watched beautiful sunsets and went to some beautiful places.
Am I mad for being upset that he hasn’t done it? I feel like it’s never going to happen. He hasn’t bothered to hide the ring or anything since we got back from Venice, it just sits on a shelf in our bedroom.
I can’t help but feel that he’s not going to do it now, and that he doesn’t care.
Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.
Post # 2
I feel like he is a bit of an a-hole for putting you through and it certainly should have been handled better but is there a chance he is overly nervous about proposing? What would happen if you say something like ‘babe, we’ve had the ring for ages, I think it’s time for me to wear it and call ourselves engaged, it’s not like I need a fancy proposal or anything as we are essentially already engaged’? I think his reaction would be very telling…
Post # 3
What’s the problem that you aren’t able to have an adult conversation with him? If you can’t do that then its no wonder you two aren’t married. You have a right to know if you and he have a future as man and wife. Read the threads and read the bee’s responses. We are pretty much saying the same thing over and over. Sit down, have a disscussion, agree to a period and have a walk date….enforce it. Or just walk. Its really that simple. Stop giving him all the responsibility in this. You are a factor in this relationship too or does YOUR needs/wants/opinions not matter?
This is what adults do. We communicate! Communication is a skill you had better learn or no relationship of yours is going to last.
Post # 4
He sounds like a pouting child, “you ruined my surprise proposal so now we have to wait!” And I am leaving the ring in plain view to be a complete ass!
I’d be annoyed in addition to wondering if I could marry someone that immature.
Also, you should wait until you’re married before trying for a child together.
Post # 5
Apparently, before Fiance proposed I almost found the ring three times because I kept packing and grabbing stuff from various hiding places. I asked him what would have happened had I found it, and he told me he would have just proposed right there on the spot because he really wants to marry me.
You need to have an adult conversation about this. Forget about some big proposal. Did you talk about how this made you feel?
Post # 6
You didn’t have a “failed” proposal, you had a “withdrawn” proposal.
Assming that you are developing a career and nurturing a child and fulfilling all the typical responsibilities of contemporary womanhood, I would deduce that this person’s presence in your life has become a negative rather than a positive, and an absolutely awful model of relationships for a child.
And by the way, you “gave” your daughter a “daddy” without a commitment on his part, and since I “feel it isn’t going to happen” too, are you preparing an explanation for why “Daddy” has gone?
I truly regret that this has happened to you.
Post # 7
I get the impression from OH that he is worried nothing will live up to his Venice plan, and also that there is now no surprise. I’ve told him multiple times I don’t need a surprise proposal, that getting engaged and progressing to marriage is more important for me. He gets quite cagey about it whenever I bring it up, and asks me not to put a timeline on it, even though I’ve told him it’s upsetting me to wait whilst I have the knowledge I do.
And with regards to the no kids before marriage approach, I have been told that the chance of me having anymore kids are basically zero, and if I did want to even try to have more kids I don’t have time to hang around.
Post # 8
For the life of me, when you accidentally found the ring and were overcome with excitement and happiness, I can’t understand why he didn’t simply slip the ring on your finger and go with the moment. Is he willing to have you upset and confused just so he can emotionally manipulate his super speshul man-moment of ‘surprising’ you?
And I agree with southernbride16 :
that he’s being a total ass leaving the ring out in plain sight. Wtf is he playing at? It sounds like you honestly did come across the ring by accident, he should have been thrilled by your reaction, but instead he’s playing mindgames to punish you? Not a fan of the mindgames.
Insist on some straight answers from him, none of this cagey b.s. He needs to be honest with you about what’s going on and why so you can decide if you still want a future with him. Someone who passively aggressively punished me for an innocent mistake for months…..that’s dancing on the lines of dealbreaker right there. Is he like this in other ways? Because that could edge him over the line into outright dealbreaker.
Post # 9
I’d be beyond hurt over what he’s doing. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a form of emotional abuse. Do not allow yourself to be treated this way. I’d tell him that you are taking his actions to mean he no longer wants to get married, and will plan your own life accordingly going forward.
Post # 11
Since when is the effing proposal more important than marrying the one you love? That’s complete bs and I’m not buying any of that “ruined surprise” shit. You and he both know that the jig is up so what is his problem really? At this point he’s basically dangling it in your face like a carrot….never quite making a promise to give it to you.
So listen to your gut and act accordingly and walk if you need to. Who knows? It might actually be the kick in pants he needs. (tho I doubt it)
Post # 12
Ask him how he’s feeling. Tell him how you’re feeling. Understand each other.
Post # 13
Your update about not being able get pregnant is MORE of a reason for him to give you the ring and get married.
I assume he knows your medical condition, so why is he being a jerk about moving forward with a life together??? Instead of pining over a “ruined” proposal???
In all actuality the proposal was not ruined until he decided not to give you the ring on your holiday.
OP, think really hard before building a life with some who is inflexible, a brat, and set in their “childish” ways. Marriage is give and take. You have to communicate and move past petty things in a marriage. He’s not ready, IMO.
Post # 14
This is madness.
If you’ve both agreed to marry each other you’re engaged.
The question seems to be does he want to marry you❔ I’d be having this conversation asap.
Post # 15
I don’t understand why if he directly saw you unpacking his luggage in front of him and didn’t want you to see the ring, he didn’t stop you. Were you “helpfully unpacking bags” (sneaking because you thought it was in there) and upset him? Or did he just see your reaction and decide he no longer wanted to propose?
Because from the way you describe it, it definitely sounds like you had a retracted proposal.
All the elements were still there for a proposal if he wanted to give it on holiday, even if you did find the ring box. It isn’t as if you didn’t know he had bought the ring. Common sense would say that if a big once-in-a-lifetime trip is coming up when a ring is in possession of the guy, he’s going to give it to you on that vacation. So he’s kidding himself believing that you had no idea.
He walked away from a whole vacation’s worth of opportunities to propose to you and surprise you with days, ways or exact location. In 7 months, he has refused to propose under any other circumstances and put the ring out in plain view in front of your face. So either you are dealing with a giant man-child who can’t handle “his proposal being spoiled” to the point of no longer wanting to do it and punishing you for almost a year, or he saw your reaction, had a wake up call and decided he didn’t really want to be engaged.
At minimum this deserves a REAL talk. Unless you did something vindictive or truly hurtful to him, a spoiled surprise would not prevent most men from proposing to the ones they love.