(Closed) He was going to propose, then I found the ring..

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
7352 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Sometimes men are so stupid. The point of the proposal is the proposal not the surprise. You need to have a very clear and firm conversation with him so you two can get on the same page.

Also- no matter how difficult it might be for you to get pregnant again, you need to tell him that you aren’t willing to try anymore until you are engaged or married. Otherwise, you run the risk of being the woman on the thread from yesterday who has a child from a previous relationship and a child with her current partner and he’s pissing in the wind taking his sweet time proposing. Because he doesn’t have to. He already has a “wife” whose name isn’t on anything. All the wins for him.

Post # 17
Member
35 posts
Newbee

View original reply
fleurpies :  I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just propose once you found the ring, even if it wasn’t as “planned” you were in venice and you did find the ring by surprise. It sounds like he has a shattered ego. It seems like he’s leaving the ring in plain sight because you found it already & you know about itm what’s there to hide. I feel like it’s yours already & if you would take it and start wearing it around, watch he probably wouldn’t be shocked. I think it’s going to sit there until you do something about it. He definitely needs to have a talk with. Maybe explain to him that you are anxiously awaiting a future together and that finding the ring didn’t ruin anything for you, since you already knew about it when he purchased it. 

Post # 18
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I’d wear the ring and let HIM deal with THAT.  

Post # 20
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You need to speak to him.

It’s one thing not doing it it’s another leaving the ring out as a reminder of what never happened. That’s a D-Move.

I would suggest you talk it out and if nothing else is said do tell him: put the ring away. It shouldn’t be sitting out as this prize that he has mystry rules about handing out.

I’d be worried he wanted you to find the ring so you stay even though he hasn’t actually had to commit. 

Post # 21
Member
3228 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I agree with the bees. You need to have a heart to heart with him a safe space. If he wanted to be married to you he would have gone ahead with the plan. 

 

Post # 22
Member
1777 posts
Buzzing bee

The day you found the ring should have been the day you got engaged.  I don’t know why he wouldn’t have just done it then instead of waiting and waiting and making you feel all anxious. You know about the ring, just ask him if you can get engaged now. He can still propose to you.  Definitely have a serious conversation about this and move forward.

Post # 23
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I just asked DH what he would have done, and he said that he would have proposed when I found it. 

Idk why he hasn’t proposed yet. Sorry bee 😕

Post # 24
Member
4905 posts
Honey bee

Here’s a little hint about guys (and well, humans in general):  They find it very gratifying to get the things they want.

If you are craving spaghetti for dinner, you’re either going to go out for Italian or you’re buying the ingredients at the store to make spaghetti.  If you want to take next Friday off work, but your boss says you can only have it off if you finish a project, you work hard Monday through Thursday to finish the project.  If you want to go an expensive sporting event or concert, you eat ramen for a few weeks to save up money and then buy yourself tickets.  If you want to get married to someone, you ask them.

If he’s not proposing, it’s because he doesn’t actually want to be engaged.  He can say all the excuses about it not being a surprise or feeling like the moment was ruined, but at their core humans are hedonists and like getting things they want and will pretty much not let things stand in their way of getting what they want.

So either start having conversations about what each of you actually wants and the timeline it will take to get there (not about the proposal, not about the ring itself – what your actual goals are) or just accept that he doesn’t actually want you – at least not being engaged to you.

Post # 25
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Ugh what an arse! It just sounds like he’s carrot dangling because he knows how much you want to be engaged but as you “ruined” his surprise he’s going to torture you by dragging it out. Most unfair and not very loving really. He could just take you to a park or lake and do it. 

Post # 26
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Okay bee. Let’s be clear: You didn’t “ruin” the proposal. He retracted it. I cannot imagine having the ring sitting on a shelf in plain sight for 7 months–I would FOR SURE be saying something about it. I agree with what some have said, just start wearing the ring and start asking him what month he’d like to get married in. At least then you’ll have answers.

Don’t let him delay any longer. If he’s changed his mind, you need to know that sooner than later so you can move on with your life. Agree w/ all who say he’s being childish AND selfish. Yes surprises are nice, but the most important thing is that life you’re building w/ someone and it sounds like he may not want that? Good luck to you bee.

Post # 27
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not surprised at all that men do this especially after reading so many posts on this website about women hating their proposal.

Post # 28
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

I find it bizarre that he then refused to propose whilst you were away…sure you may have ruined the surprise so I guess him saying wait till you return from your holiday makes some sort of sense, but to make you wait 7 months and have the ring sitting on the shelf at home is absurd, you both know you want to get engaged so what is the hold up… I would be super pissed if my boyfriend did this to me. I think I would be tempted to just put the ring on and say ‘we are engaged now’.

 

Post # 29
Member
280 posts
Helper bee

I think that it’s more than just his “desire” for a perfect proposal. The way he keeps the ring out to taunt you is just ridiculous. When he knows you let the ring stay in plain sight but are almost afraid to touch it, when it’s supposed to be yours, where he can watch you “squirm” so to speak — this just tells him you have given all the power to him as you wait passively for him to get around to you. Sounds like he gets off on that now, having control of you. That’s not a good attribute for a potential husband. There is a reason why he is not proposing.

What if you felt like an equal partner and put the ring on with confidence, acting like you have a right to it, because you do since it’s supposed to be yours. This would show him you are no longer a little victim to his game and that you have a strong, confident will of your own instead of being treated as his puppet. He could see you with a new respect, or it could be a dealbreaker. What a kick it would be though if he were just waiting to see if you would assume your role, to take what’s yours and do just that. However if he pouts and throws a tantrum like a child about it, then it’s more about having control of you than the desire to make you his wife. 

When girlfriends know they are the girlfriends, are loved, and are secure in that, they act like they belong there; whereas others, unsure of their standing, tip-toe on eggshells and come across as though they don’t really have the right to be there. That is what I’m talking about, brought on by the way the man is acting, vague and toying. By having the ring sitting there, as no secret, right in front of you…yet you now feeling less and less like you are entitled to it, could convey to him some insecurity about who you are in this relationship, the way it comes across. That gives him the control and power. This guessing game behavior and withholding tactic of his will have a way of eroding your own worth and tend to make you less and less secure. Hope I’m explaining it the way I’m feeling it for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. 

Now granted, if he is really, really wanting his own major proposal moment, this won’t be it and he may feel short-changed. You have to consider that. But to me he had plenty of opportunities to have a romantic proposal—including the moment you found the ring—but didn’t take them. The longer it goes on, the less inclined he may be. Plans not executed tend to fizzle sometimes and the momentum is lost. Because he didn’t act on it yet, this naturally would make you feel in limbo, and that is never a happy place to be. 

That said though, people do get ready on their own schedule, so it has to be what is comfortable and feels right. I’m not saying to do one thing over the other. I’m just throwing some thoughts out there. But don’t let yourself start to doubt yourself or damage your self-esteem.

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