He was out all night again

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

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bctoquebec :  nobody could live with this

Post # 17
Member
6887 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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vee323 :  even if he’s not actually doing something wrong, like cheating or bank robbing, he is being disrespectful of you and your feelings. If that’s not enough to say you deserve more, consider this: if you have children, you will be the one taking care of them all the time. It is mind-numbingly exhausting not to get a break. It builds resentment even when you know he needs to do other things. Now imagine you’re waiting on an emergency pack of diapers and he’s off getting a coffee for five hours. You need someone you can count on and you can’t count on this guy. Treating you to the spa is a bandaid, like apology flowers. It’s not fixing the problem. I can tell you that ‘you are my world’ right now and it’s completely meaningless. 

He either realizes that the problem is being disrespectful of you and fixes it (doubtful) or he doesn’t (walk). 

Post # 18
Member
7335 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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vee323 :  This wouldn’t fly with me, I’d be done. You have to decide what flies with you. 

Post # 19
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee

So he gives you money for the spa and then goes out until all hours? Sounds like he’s playing you. Either he did that because he knew he wanted to be out late that night and hoped you would be in a better mood, or he’s doing something he shouldn’t be and he feels guilty about it. 

Regardless, this is simple. If you don’t want him to be out that late anymore, then tell him one more time exactly what you want, and don’t let him convince you to settle for less. Then if he does it again, leave, because he isn’t a good partner for you. 

Post # 20
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

Oh god, my ex was like this.  It started about 5 years in to our relationship and escalated over time.  I could not live like this again.  I’d wake up at 5am terrified that he was dead in a ditch somewhere and have to start contacting all of his friends to figure out where he was.  Never again!

Post # 21
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My husband used to do this. It’s funny, pretty much everyone on here said that had a man that did this, and now said man is an EX! Well, my husband did this before we got engaged. He did it like once every couple of months. He and his group of friends got together and he would always lose track of time. We would always argue about it because all I wanted was an updated call. He would tell me two and then come in at four. Honestly, it was only a handful of times a year, and I went out much more than him, so that meant I was free to do as I pleased. We gave each other space. BUT, I would always call him and let him know if I was safe. I would ask him was he afraid to look “weak” by checking in with his woman? Eventually I had to put my foot down, and he started calling. He doesn’t go out like that any longer because we are married with a child, but now the group of friends come to us every couple of months. And they stay until 3 or 4 in the morning. I kid you not, they just talk and laugh all night. They are a tight group. 
Anyway, I said all of that to say that maybe your man isn’t being sneaky. It could be perfectly legit and nothing shady about it. With that being said, you have expressed clearly that you are not ok with it, and for him to continue is disrespectful. Time for a true Come to Jesus talk. No need for an ultimatum, just let him know what will happen if this continues. 

Post # 22
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

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dmherna6 :  Did you ever find out if he cheated?

Post # 23
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

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vee323 : Wow, this is classic gaslighting cheater behavior. Giving you money so that you feel “guilty” when you bring it up to him. If you are still feeling uncomfortable about this after you’ve spoken to him about it, I myself would do some investigation. This is not normal behavior, this is side chick behavior. 

Post # 24
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

Get him to cut out caffeine. Adults don’t chat that late without it.

Post # 25
Member
1681 posts
Bumble bee

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vee323 :   Bee, it doesn’t matter if he’s cheating or drugging or whatever else.  It’s simply egregiously disrespectful.  Calling you now and then doesn’t make it ok, and referring that as “doing everything right” is absurd.  I find his perspective to be insulting.  He’s trying to turn the argument around to put you on the defensive and and hsve it look like you are in the wrong.  So, by means of that, he is crossing over into gaslighting territory.  If a person isn’t going to change their behavior, then discussions about it can only go one of three ways: he can continue to make excuses, he can turn it around on you–that’s the gaslighting, or he can stonewall you (silent treatment).  Of course that’s excluding violence, which I’m not getting vibes of in your posts, so hopefully that’s not at risk here.  The arguing ends in one of two ways, you accept his behavior and stop discussing it (which is what he expects you to do) or the two of you part ways.  It doesn’t sound like accepting his behavior will ever really happen for you, and stifling your anger to maintain silence would be utter misery.  So then, by process of elimination, your only acceptable future, one that isn’t a path of misery, is for the two of you to part ways.  It’s painful, because you love him in other ways, but you are not compatible.  It’s best to realize this when you’re not racked with fury, because you may wonder if you’re basing thoughts of parting ways on anger rather stone cold logic.  But really, after so many discussions, arguments, and still the behavior continuing, it is only rational to conclude that this situation will not change and staying in it is madness.  I’ll say, and it’s probably not the last time I’ll mention it on this site, in my single days I had a lot of first dates, much fewer second dates, and very few third dates.  This was because I spent the first and second dates finding out about lifestyle habits, personal moral beliefs, religious preferences, dating expectations, relationship goals…life goals.  I even mentioned my timeline of how long I would give myself and whoever I was dating to figure out if we were a match before moving on.  It made weeding guys out really easy.  I weeded out a lot of guys, some by mutual agreement that we weren’t a good match, some I just turned down as respectfully as I could, I even shut down a proposal from a guy who started with the words “I don’t think it gets better than this.” 🙄  oh heck no!! Ain’t nobody”settling” for me and I wasn’t settling either. 

It’s so much easier to do the sifting before emotions dig in deep.  I see so many people staying in relationships that are making them miserable because they love the person.  But love shouldn’t equal misery and love isn’t enough.  I know I would not find this situation tolerable and I would be hightailing it out of there.  You love certain things about him, but this critical issue will sour that love like blight gets into a potato and rots it from the inside out.  There will be some heartache no matter what.  But it’ll do more damage to you the longer you wait.  And why waste anymore time?  Extricate yourself from this (it can be done without a fight–the two of you have incompatible lifestyle expectations.  You can state it calmly and esleave.  Or leave first and then offer a calm explanation of why you left).  Yes, this is a hill to die on.  It’s a deal breaker.  Get out, move on to healing, and look forward to finding someone who is compatible with you, who is honest with you, and respects your boundaries.  Your match is out there ( and I don’t believe in just one soulmate, there is more than one match out there!). Shed the misery.  Don’t settle.  You will find happiness when you decide within yourself to refuse to settle for less.  Don’t wait.  Do it now.  Don’t waste anymore of your life on what you can’t fix.

ETA to say I’m sorry about the typos but it’s just too much to manage good editing from my phone.

Post # 26
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

This will never change. Why does he like being everywhere else but with you? Why aren’t you enough? Keeping you posted isn’t enough, why is he so entertained being with these friends and not wanting to be home having a life with you? That is how it is supposed to be. While living in this it starts to feel “normal” and like it’s not a big deal, but honestly this isn’t a life together at all. A grown engaged man has no business being out all hours of the night so often but also I’m surprised he found so many friends just like him. What about them? Why are they doing all this? I think it is a good idea to be sure he is where he says he is, but if I’m honest this is just how he is and it will not change. Doesn’t mean put up with it 🙁

Post # 28
Member
27 posts
Newbee

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vee323 :  Hi. Going to give a little male perspective. I can tell you with 100% confidence that your man is up to no good. There is zero, count ’em, ZERO excuses for him to be out that late on such a regular basis. It is beyond unfair that his actions keep you up at night. And why wouldn’t it? How would he feel if you were out every night with “girlfriends”?? There’s not a chance in HELL he would be okay with that.

If I did that to my wife and acted as if it wasn’t a problem, she’d kick me to the curb. Men don’t stay out late that frequently just because they’re “hanging with the boys.” That’s a naive take. He’s sneaking around. At the very least talking it up with other women. I knew of a couple in a very similar position you’re in now. The husband would go out with co-workers and/or friends practically every night after he and his wife had their first kid (daughter). He’d be flirting with other women wherever he went. (The guy needed constant attention.) The wife started hearing stories. She was obviously very upset about his antics, but stayed with him. They, to everyone’s surprise, had a second kid. The husband was hoping for a boy, but they had another girl. He was suuuper disappointed about that. He wound up going out even more. Long story short, they’re finally splitting up. One too many years wasted on his bullshit.

Listen. You shouldn’t have to beg your man to respect your concerns for something that is so reasonable. If he was my friend, I’d tell him he’s doing waaay too much. And would need to get his shit straight. Just because your man does nice things for you, doesn’t excuse his behavior. To me it sounds like it’s nothing, but a tactic for him to feel justified with his actions. “Oh. I give you nice stuff. So you should let me do whatever I want to do.” Get TF outta here. I don’t know of a single guy who went out all the time without his girlfriend or wife where the relationship lasted very long. Your man isn’t being honest with you. You owe it to yourself to be with someone who isn’t going to keep you up at night just because they wanna have a good time without you on a regular basis.

Post # 29
Member
27 posts
Newbee

And btw. I saw your comment before you deleted it; saying you guys got in a big argument and you told him the wedding is off. Based on the information you’ve provdided, I think that’s going to be the best decision for you and your future. Don’t waste time on a man who won’t show you respect.

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