Post # 31
Playing angel’s advocate.
He doesn’t get to be scared now…well maybe a weeeee bit scared but not for long. We give these guys too much. They want WIFE benefits without a husband’s commitment. If a man was living alone, he would do 100% of his own housework. He would do 100% of his own cooking. He would do 100% of his own laundry. He would have sex MAYBE once a week on the weekend when he took her out.
Let’s be honest about these things. I realize it is 2015 and all but we are still shouldering a fair chunk of these tasks. In liberated households, we’ll say a guy is doing 50% of all of the above (which is rare as hell). So now not only have we lifted most of the heavy weight from him, he has the added the bonus of a regular, convenient, and effortless sex life. He doesn’t even need to take her to dinner for it.
Here is the ASS KICKER of it all. Somehow things have even shifted to the point where we now not only live there and do most of the work there, we ALSO pay HALF the expenses!!!
Then they say, “I like things the way they are now.” Ummm…. SERIOUSLY?? I betcha do! Who wouldn’t? Somewhere, somehow methinks we’ve shot ourselves in the foot.
If he wants to keep her, he needs to shit or get off the pot. Or stay on it – in his own apartment by his damned self.
Post # 32
Scared is such a cop out. Tell him to put his big girl panties on and tell you the truth – in or out. Not half in or sort of in or in the future maybe – IN OR OUT.
Post # 33
I guess I’m the exception to the rule.
My other half works 60 – 70 hours a week and he does the majority of the house work.
He probably does 80% – 90% of the housework. He does the laundry, all the cooking, all the animal care, car maintenance, mopping, vaccuuming, etc.
He’s also the main bread winner. He has supported me when I’ve left jobs, or gone back to studying, or when I just needed a little break from work (which is where we are at the moment – I’m not working, not studying and just working on the wedding which is in a month).
I absolutely believe that men can take us for a ride. But at the same time, there’s bigger problems in the world.
Are you happy with every other aspect in your relationship?
If yes, then ask yourself “Why am I truly upset? Can I really not wait for marriage? Am I going to potentially ruin a great relationship because of it?”
Again, I hope you work it out and how you feel and get the outcome you’re happy with.
Post # 34
-eyeroll- I hate the whole “milk for free” analogy. When I lived on my own, I ALSO did 100% of the work, paid all the bills, and spent my nights alone. Even though I want marriage, I acknowledge that I totally benefit from cohabiting. Also, unlimited sex is awesome for both people! If you view that as a negative, your man needs to learn a few things… 😉
Post # 35
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
you demonstrate the point I made earlier. A man who wants to get married will take steps to get married. Now not every guy is ready in a year or two, but there’s a difference between a guy who was “willing” to get married and one who wants to get married, and that difference is the effort he makes to get it done.
Post # 36
Thank you for all the advice and support.
I am going to give it two more months. Then, I will do what is best for me. I hope that it doesn’t come down to that, but if it does… As hard as it will be, I need to think about my wants/needs.
Post # 37
You’ll know what’s right when the time comes. Bee Hugs! XO
Post # 38
Also, one hard learned lesson is that although I do not think living with him before marriage was a mistake, if I could go back in time I would have sat him down and had a serious talk about what I expected out of the relationship and when.
Post # 39
When my ex moved in we just kind of slid into it. He needed to move and I had a place to myself. It was convenient and cost-effective. Terrible reasons for moving in. It was always “let’s see how living together goes first” and “we just had an argument! we need to reset the clock and stop talking about marriage for now”. He went as far as telling me we could buy the setting for my engagement ring and buy the diamond later when he was ready. It was constant promises and then fears of marriage/divorce etc.
With my fiance, we had a really clear idea of where the relationship was going. Sometimes he was a little more vague than I would have liked (most likely because he was planning a proposal around 5-6 months into the relationship and he was trying to be a bit secretive). He was very firm about not having me move for him without having concrete plans for marriage.
Post # 41
Totally. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who hates it!
You’ve received some good advice in this thread OP so I’m not going to weigh in except yo say it’s possible that he was saying what he believed to be true at the time so maybe don’t get caught up in thinking the whole thing was a farce. I know few (read: no) men who would go to those lengths to string someone they love along. Now you know how he feels *now* all you can do is some soul searching about what’s right for you.
Post # 42
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I just want to say something unpleasantly practical and it comes from experience. I was living with a boyfriend and we broke up on July 1 with our lease ending August 25ish. We ended up having to live together in the same apartment (separate bedrooms, thankfully) for six more months because our lease stipulated that we had to give 60 days notice if we weren’t going to renew the lease. If I had put on my big girl panties one week earlier, we could have gone our separate ways much sooner. I want to urge you to check your lease, because if things don’t workout, none of us want to see you stuck in a situation like that. I really hope they do work out in your favor.
Post # 43
Regardless of leases or ring shopping, you’ve been together for 3 years in total, with 2 of those living together, correct? That’s more than enough time for him to propose. I’m sorry but as a 35 year old I see time as precious and have dated ebough to know that if a guy wants something to happen, he’ll make it happen. I’d move out now or make plans to do so now.
Post # 44
I agree. I do think he meant what he was saying at the time. Time just snuck up on him.
Post # 45
sadly, I agree. If he doesn’t know now, what exactly will get him to that point?! He certainly knows all my flaws and there’s no secrets left.