(Closed) He won't leave me alone!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
8576 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Yeah, I dated a wacko like him, once. He stalked me for ages, sent me gifts, showed up on my doorstep, at my work, and would always do the whole “im gonna kill myself thing”. He got really violent quite a few times, pushing me up against walls, grabbing my arm and dragging me, even slapped me a few times.

I got a restraining order and ignored him. He’s still alive today.

Post # 2
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Claire324:  Sorry he is making things so difficult. Any time he threatens to hurt himself, you should take him seriously and call the cops to check on him. If he’s bluffing and trying to manipulate you, he will learn very quickly that suicide is not a game. It doesn’t sound like he’s serious but if he is, then he needs professional attention and the cops can make sure he gets that. 

Also if you’re worried about what he will do when you go to get your things, you could either bring someone else along with you or ask for a police escort. Sucks to have to get to that point but he sounds fairly unpredictable.

Post # 4
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Claire324:  My ex kept contacting me after we broke up. He would go from one extreme to the next: I miss you to I hate you, blah blah blah.

It was a pain in the ass, but I changed my number, blocked all the e-mails and names I knew he went under on Facebook, e-mail, etc, and when he would come into my place of work, I just ignored him. It might in your best interest to have a coworker walk you out to your car every day or get a manager or high up if he’s coming to work.

Post # 5
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Claire324:  Take someone with you, such as your father, to get things from his house, then stop all contact. He is controlling you because you’re letting him. If he threatens to kill himself, call 911 and tell them to go to his house. He’ll get the message pretty soon. If he doesn’t, then you will need a restraining order.

Post # 6
8465 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle

I had a crazy boyfriend once. Everytime I would try to break up with him he would beg, cry, say he would change, say he would hurt himself if I left him, etc. He even pulled a gun on me once and said he would kill us BOTH. Eventually I had enough and it got to the point where I wanted him out of my life regardless if he was living or dead. Despite threatening to kill himself on more than several occasions he’s still alive today – still doing the same things just to different girls.

Post # 7
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Yup, this guy doesn’t sound like good news at all. If he’s bugging you this much, there’s alway the possibility that he’ll start to get violent out of desperation. Definitely talk to your boss if he shows up at your work, get people to walk you to your car, and have your father go with you to get things out of his house.

Also don’t hesitate to get an order of protection against him. I know how much it sucks to feel like you’re hurting someone, but him threatening to kill himself and being sick is just how he manipulates you. You’re not doing him or yourself any favors by feeling sorry for him. I’ve learned way too much about domestic violence and stalking from helping SO study for police academy final exams, and it’s pretty scary. Go to the police for an order of protection, and you’ll immediately receive a temporary restraining order to tide you over until you have your official hearing. They will be the ones to inform your ex that he’s being served an order of protection, and if he tries to contact you or harass you, then he goes to jail immediately, no warrant required. If he really is suicidal, you should still call 911 because police can arrest people threatening suicide simply to protect them from hurting themselves or others, and then they can get help.

Above all else, look out for your safety, OP.

Post # 11
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Next time he shows up, call the cops. Tell him you will, and then do it. That will send a very clear message.

I had to do that, and it was the only thing that could make ex-stalker see reason. 

Post # 8
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If he’s threatening to hurt himself and stalking you I think it’s time to file a police report. Stop answering his calls or accepting his gifts. He may be telling you he’s going to hurt himself only to get you to talk to him or he may really do it. My guess would be he is saying this to manipulate you and make you feel guilty. Have someone escort you to your car after work. Block him from calling or texting. Stop all contact. If you want to be out of this, you have to be cold about it because every time you give in you are giving him hope and he will keep on doing this. 

Post # 9
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

You ex sounds like an over dramatic idiot. Sorry, but I just hate hearing the whole “I’ll kill myself and it’ll be your fault” thing. It’s sooo cruel and manitulative and attention seeking. If he does it again I would recommend contacting the police and telling them he’s threatening suicide and show them them messages. At the very least he’ll get a visit from some officers to make sure he’s okay and that should put a stop to it. 

You’re spot on about the flowers. It’s too little too late now and I applaud you for seeing though the whole “grand gesture” thing and sticking to your convictions. 

Post # 10
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

This is all very good advice. Don’t let him run your life. Tell him what you’re going to do and then do it. So… do you have security at work? Alert them and have them KICK HIS ASS OUT next time he shows his face. 

Change your number. If somehow he manages to get you on the phone and threatens suicide, tell him you’re calling 911 and do it.

If he continues, get a restraining order.

You are not responsible for him or his many problems. His potential suicide, if it ever happened, would not be your fault either, if you told him in no uncertain terms that it was OVER. Harsh, but true.

I suspect, that like the Future Dr. Atkins’s ex stalker… yours will NOT kill himself. 

Post # 13
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Get your stuff, change your # and block his phone and email.  If he shows up again, get a restraining order.  He’s threatening to off himself because it’s producing the desired result – it’s making you pay attention to him and sympathize.  Stop giving him what he wants.  Ignore him.  If you pass him on the street, pretend he’s invisible.  If he tries to make a scene, look at him like he’s the crazy guy on the street corner screaming about the end times, and say loud and clear “I’ve never met this man in my life”.  And then call the police.

Post # 14
2645 posts
Sugar bee

Claire324:  I am so sorry this really sucks, but i am just getting so irritated as i keep reading your post! It just reminds me of what i went through with my ex. He is totally trying to manipulate you!

I felt so bad and was always sucked into his guilt trips for fear that he may hurt himself. But you know what? I finally ignored him and he is still alive and well as far as I know. And if he ever did do anything it would because he was deeply disturbed far more than you could ever help him.

I know you don’t want to get a restraining order (it is embarrassing and a hassle) but i wished i had gotten one a lot sooner! It will only escalate and he will keep getting worse if he truly can’t learn to let go.

Ignore him, do not responf to any form of comunication. Block his number, facebook etc. If he does not stop PLEASE get a restraining order. He may not be harmful, but you shouldn’t have to put up with this in your everyday life.

Post # 12
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I agree with PP’s – you need to get your stuff out of his house ASAP, so there’s no “good” reason for him to contact you. Then you need to find a way to stop him from contacting you somehow – filing a police report could be a good start, as would getting a restraining order if you can, and surrounding yourself with friends who will help deflect your ex. Try reading some posts from this blog (start with the one I’m linking, because your ex is totally a Darth Vader boyfriend) http://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/

Hugs if you need them, I can only imagine how hard this must be to go through. But know that he’s wrong – he’s not worth a second try, and you have every right to never want to see him again.

Post # 15
149 posts
Blushing bee

Claire324:  I’ve dealt with similar crazy. I didn’t experience any violent outbursts — thank goodness at that — but the lengths that he went to in order to show up at my house totally make the whole thing insane.

I was in an LDR and we were trying to close the distance after seven years. I wanted to have a shot at us living together, but he wasn’t willing to go through the Visa application process in order for us to do this. Instead he suggested we get married and that I should start planning a wedding. When I voiced that I’d rather live together first, he got very upset to the point where he would try to whine and beg for it. Then eventually he started trying to demand it. Said I didn’t love him if I didn’t want it, constantly trying to manipulate me into feeling like the bad guy. At that point I realized that, regardless of having been together so long, I couldn’t be with someone like this so I ended the relationship.

First he was in denial, and kept insisting we could work it out. Then he turned nasty and said that my healthy new lifestyle/weightloss was the reason behind not wanting to marry him because I now thought I could do better. Then he cried constantly and threatened to kill himself. Flowers upon flowers were sent to my house. He became hot and cold, one second trying to save the relationship, the next blocking me on every platform after saying he couldn’t see me because it hurt so bad. This would go back and forth from one to the other constantly.

Then one day about two weeks after the break up he showed up at my house. Let me emphasize that he lived across the Atlantic Ocean. Had to take two connect flights and spend over $1000 just to get to me. And he showed up unnanounced, expecting to stay at my house. I was also in the middle of finishing essays and studying for final exams at the time, and he knew this. I felt bad because he was a student and very broke, so I didn’t have the heart to close the door in his face. I told him he could sleep on the couch and watch TV and I when I was done my work I would listen to whatever he had come all this way to say. But he interrupted me the whole time. Tried to get into my bed at night, tried to have sex with me. Told me that now that we were together everything would be better and we could work things out in person. And then continued to insist that I marry him, and that if it doesn’t work out we can always get divorced. I couldn’t handle it and eventually stopped feeling sorry for him because he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I forced him to take the next flight out, and I didn’t care if he had to spend extra money because his return ticket allowing him to stay for two weeks was nonrefundable.

When he got back, he continued to try to convince me via email for two weeks. Then he said it hurt too much and he blocked me on everything. He is still alive and moved in with his ex girlfriend (who he lied to me constantly about, and who I had known he cheated on me with four years prior — though he denied it) after two weeks of being back together. They deserve eachother.

Moral of the story: There are some crazy ones out there. But it does get better, and eventually they get the hint. You just have to be persistant. You don’t necessarily need to block him out, but you have to reiterate with consistancy every time he tries to talk about it that you aren’t interested. If his behaviour escalates, you’ll really have no choice, but to get that restraining order. First, though, figure out what you want to do about your stuff. If it is a few pieces of clothes and some DVDs, I’d say let it go because he is not worth dealing with it. If it is more than that, I would call your local police department directly and explain that you need to collect your belongings from an ex’s home, but that he has exhibited some behaviour since the ending of the relationship that has made you uncomfortable and uncertain about his mental stability. Then ask if there is any possible way that, if you arrange a time with your ex to get your things, an officer could escort you.

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