He won't let me wear my ring at work. Really upset!

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Umm gross. Sounds like he has controlment issues. I would of left him a long time ago.

Post # 32
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

The ring is a gift for you. You make the call. He gets no opinion. However, wearing your ring to work may or may not be wise. If you want a thin pave band and non-cathedral halo in white gold, that would be unwise to wear in the enivorment you describe. The diamonds may not scratch, but the gold will scratch and be harmed and the prongs can be damaged. Steel is harder than gold and platinum. Any gemstones (sapphire, spinel, morganite, etc.) would be unlikely to survive that environment.  If you want a solid colored metal (yellow, rose, platinum) ring with a solid shank and a diamond or moissanite in a 6 prong setting or bezel, that may be more wise.

1 ring vs. 2. 100% your choice. He can suck it (quoting PP). That said, he may simply not know that 1 ring is possible and, in fact, historically accurate. The current trend of two seperate rings is relatively new. Most vintage engagement rings were not meant to stack with a band. The wearer historicallly took the ering off after the engagement and only work a band. 

Post # 33
Member
2485 posts
Buzzing bee

Something very odd about not “letting” you wear an engagement ring in a work environment generally populated by more men than women. That would be point C of my concerns.

Point B? Fussing about the money being spent on the ring to bolster his control over the gift of wedding jewelry he is giving you. My wedding jewelry is over 40 years old, my mother’s, which I wear about as often as my own, was given to her in 1928, and I wear a set that was my grandmother’s that was given in 1906. If he thinks his big bucks ring choice is too fragile for you to wear whenever and wherever you want, the ball is in his courtto purchase something sturdier.

They (and I) wore those sets to chop wood, clean kerosene lamps, change 8 sets of diapers, butcher chickens, paint walls……you name the level and type of dirt, and we wore them. Aside from a degree of Patina on the 14k and 18k gold, as good as new after all those years.

And now we come to Point A. “LET”? “ALLOW”? “PERMIT”? NONE of these are language in an ADULT RELATIONSHIP between 2 consenting adults. If this is really and truly the kind of comments you are hearing from this person, think about how they will amp up when his control is legal and binding. Be fully prepared for this will sound to you as it increases into more parts of your life. Trust me, it will.

Post # 34
Member
2646 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

sdarrach25 :  tell him you need to wear your ring at work because it makes you uncomfortable when customers flirt with you and you have to be friendly because you are working.

Post # 35
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

sdarrach25 :  That’s still controlling. If you were knee deep in oil, dirt, and grime all day I would kinda see his point if he said he preferred you not to wear it (notice I didn’t say not allowed). A lot of controlling people use their anger that way. If I behave this way, she will do what I want to appease me. If I throw a temper tantrum, she won’t do that thing I don’t want her to do. He’s getting angry with you because he knows it will get him his way. Quite frankly, it’s emotional abuse. The normal, healthy, and adult way to handle the situation would be to simply have a conversation and express his concerns. Not getting angry to get his way. And that’s B.S. about having to buy a “20 dollar ring”. That’s another way for him to control you. “Oh, if you don’t do what I want, then I guess you’ll get this cheapo ring instead. Oh, you wanted the nice one? Then you have to do as I say.” You’re his potential future wife, not his child. 

Post # 36
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

Tell him not to worry, and that you won’t be wearing your ring to work… because you won’t be accepting his proposal.

He sounds like a jerk who doesn’t know how to have an adult discussion. When you disagree, he doen’t get to be mad at you or exert his will over you.

He may be frustrated that you aren’t in agreement with his point of view, but that doesn’t mean he can dictate what you are “allowed” to do. 

Post # 38
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee

sdarrach25 :  I’m going to go against the grain and say that I don’t think he’s a controlling jerk.  He’s probably nervous because I’m guessing he’s never bought something, especially a piece of jewelery, that expensive before.  When I first got my ring my husband drove me crazy because he thought I should baby it more than I was.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want the world to know I was engaged, he was just a nervous wreck.  We got it insured right away and that took a lot off his mind.  Just explain to your boyfriend how insurance works (and do get it insured – for a $3000 ring I bet it’s only like $30 a year) and wear gloves at work if you’re moving and touching messy parts.

Post # 39
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I am really worried and concerned about the fact that your fiancé doesn’t “let” you wear your ring. As a partnership he should want to be supportive I understand that you work in the automotive industry but he should be understanding and you may need to be more assertive 

Post # 40
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

While I agree with everyone who posted before me, I am going to try to take a different approach.

 

My Fiance is very concerned with me traveling with my ring. And he suggested I get a a travel-ring that is cheap, so if I lose it, or it gets stolen, it’s not a huge loss. And he wants it be to simple(er) than my actual ring to make me less of a target. 

He also knew I am pretty hard on my hands. I work in a gym as a sales manager, but I am always beating my hands up moving stuff around etc, at first he would check my ring to make sure all the stones were there, it was mostly in good fun/joking when I’d mention I’d whacked my hand hard againt something. 

I recommended we both get silicon rings as back-up rings. So that is what we are doing. He works with his hands and should have a silicon ring for safety. I work out a lot and do various things where a silicon ring would work just fine. 

He will get over it once the ring is on your finger for a few weeks and you’ll get used to it too. Dont get upset about something that isn’t even a reality yet. 

Post # 41
Member
4830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

sdarrach25 :   What a control freak!   An engagement ring is a gift to you, yours to wear wherever and whenever YOU choose.     That is, if you choose to accept it.  

 

Post # 42
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Lmao. I don’t think he is trying to be a control freak. IF he just bought a ring and dropped a few grand he is going to probably cringe at the idea of the ring getting oily or bumped around car parts. IF he did purchase a ring, maybe just let him know that you want to wear something while at work, and talk about getting a low profile daily ring, and using your fancier set as a weekend/going out set. 

But… if he is often this controlling about things and this is not completely out of the ordinary for him, you may want to sit down with him and tell him that you are your own person, and any E-Ring he gives you is a gift, that you WILL do with what you want. 

Personally, I have my E-Ring and Band, a set of silicone stacking bands, and a Swarovski set, and I swap them out whever I feel the need. I am no less married with a silicone band on my finger, than I am with my e-ring and wedding band. 

Communicate with him, Bee. It makes life a lot easier as a married couple, believe me! 

Post # 43
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee

I would like to know exact words he used. Did he actually say “I don’t allow you wear the ring at work. you are not permitted and I will make the decision for you” or did he say something and you read between the lines and while upset made assumptions?

Post # 44
Member
8831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Hyperventilate :  I had this thought too. He doesn’t trust her to know when and how to protect it, so he’d rather she just never wear it. … How about having some faith in your partner’s judgement and intelligence, dude? Maybe try that first.

Post # 45
Member
8831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

ann.reid.9277 :  “Something very odd about not “letting” you wear an engagement ring in a work environment generally populated by more men than women.” — This is silly. He’d be just as big a jerk for trying to make her wear it because she works around men, as he is for trying to forbid her from wearing it because she works around cars. She’s a grown woman. He should trust her judgement about if and when it’s appropriate for her to wear her ring at her job.

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